Yes. The place between. Very well written.

P.S. The Place in Between

MARCH 26, 2018 ~ FAMILYPRESERVATION365

Two families. Two lives. Not fully belonging to either.

The mother who has prayed for me since the day I arrived. The mother who was there through every milestone, loving me fiercely. The mother who has been grandmother to my children. The mother who never felt ownership, but loved me like I was hers. The mother who always hoped I’d find my other mother because she knew it would help heal the wounds. The mother who wept tears of joy when I did. For 45 years she was the only mother I knew.

<the place in between>

The mother who gave me life. The mother who has my hands, my laugh, my humor, my appetite. The mother whose DNA runs through my past, present, and future. The mother who has loved me from a distance because she had to. The mother who also prayed for me, while missing every milestone. The mother who didn’t think she had a right to search, so she silently carried wounds of her own. The mother who has embraced me and welcomed me home.

We field questions, waging an internal war we aren’t prepared to fight. Caught in the crossfire.

“How do your (adoptive) parents feel about it?”

“Why would you search when you already have a great family?”

Adoptees carry extra stones, weighted down by fear of disloyalty. This weight has the power to extinguish our joy. Why did I miss my mother when I had a loving family? Guilt. In my case, a self imposed division. Neither family has ever made me feel this way, but it looms like a hungry beast, taking mouthfuls of my happiness.

My mother is coming to visit next month. I’m excited. I might even sit on her lap. 47 years old, curled up like a cat just because I want to. I was unprepared for the magnitude of reunion. I thought it would be the golden ring, the salve for my wounds. While it healed some, it opened others. I grieve what I missed and appreciate what I had. Both/and.

I choose freedom. Freedom to love each mother who, individually, hold a deep, sacred space.

//

STEPHANIE IS AN ADOPTEE AND A NATURAL MOTHER. SHE DEVOTES A GREAT DEAL OF TIME CREATING SPACE FOR UNCOMFORTABLE CONVERSATIONS IN ORDER TO EDUCATE AND RAISE AWARENESS ABOUT THE COMPLEXITIES IN ADOPTION.

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Published by familypreservation365

fp365 is a global family preservation movement. Our mission is to empower vulnerable, expectant mothers in order to prevent family separation. fp365 is dedicated to building a strong foundation of advocates willing to provide local support, networking, and community involvement. Additionally, we believe a critical piece of education and awareness is by exploring each layer of lived experience. By listening to their voices we hope to shift the current cultural narrative which promotes separation by adoption to one which celebrates the preservation of family. View all posts by familypreservation365

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One thought on “P.S. The Place in Between”

Linda Ainbinder

APRIL 6, 2018 AT 5:28 PM

Thank you for writing the feelings I too have. What a powerful piece. I have reunited with my birth mother and father. The happiness soon turned into confusion, guilt and loss. It’s been almost 2 years and I still struggle. My birth family has welcomed me with love. But sometimes I still feel like I don’t belong. I will continue to navigate through our reunion. Once again, thank you.

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