That is the way it is with me, up, then down, then up, then down. I see it. Do you? What do you make of it? The doctors don’t seem to see it. I have journaled in my calendar forever. I stopped when I realized that I would have to figure this mystery of me out myself. And I am pushing all doors and windows and whatever metaphor for help me out of this cycle there is? I have been to counselors and none have been able to peel this onion called me.
Thats why I unraveled here. I mean someone that is trying to hide themselves would not choose a world wide platform to hide now would they? Surely, not. How dumb. So, that must mean I have some kind of intellect inside my brain. What is it? Well, it me, a woman who grew up Adopted and was all turned around about it. It’s me being me so you can see what it did to me, if anything. Some may think me a bit normal and others like my family may think me quite mad and in need of assistance. But I will leave it to the world wide world web to figure it out.
Because this is me, up and down and in and out. And thats what you get when you send children to other people without instructions. You get a woman now 55, still up and down and in and out. And I felt that being back with my Mama could help me with that, but she’s out and out, or over out, nonrespondent, dead to me, does not get me, does not want to get me, and is really missing out on my good sides of up and down and in and out. I truly believed that she would naturally settle me down, that I would just calm down. And I really haven’t gotten a chance to be with her, really. Like let our hair down with her.
The one good thing to this disability is that it was caused by me not letting go of my Mama in me. I worked so hard to be like her, strong and brave. And a church going woman, a christian who practices her faith each day, and a Mama who learned and kept her babies, and loved them like she wanted to be loved. It is hard holding onto all that, when the woman who raised you is nothing like that. She tried, but she is not. And she and I clash, I try not to, and we do anyway. And people that has had an affect on my nature, and my thought processes. I get combative like her. She doesn’t like it either. But that is how she is. And I try to be her friend and all I feel is that she see’s Linda in me and Huey looking back at her. And I wish I could mirror her child back at her, but I am not from her. It is complicated to be me.
And my parents were strong people. I felt them every step of my way. I pulled from their strengths in me and worked so hard to do well at being Adopted. And I feel I have succeeded at my ultimate goal, which was to work to love them both like God love us. God corrects us, and loves us enough to tell us the truth when we don’t want to see it, God will let us fall, and help us back up again. God cries, mourns and is angry. I don’t feel any less Gods creations because I don’t hide it, and I embrace this wacky body and mind that God made from my Mama and Daddy so long ago. I must have a purpose.
I don’t really see the harm to share myself with you all. And I do see the benefit of getting this off my chest. I want to live beyond my Mama’s wildest dreams and to share some of those dreams with her. She can think what she will, but my truth is here to read all day, public. I profess my anger, sadness, pain, grief, madness, anxiety, sickness, frustrations, poetry, feelings, emotions, all of that and more here. I am not ashamed of who I am. I have felt others shame on me, and my Mama. The only shame is to live a life like mine, all mangled and torn and to not own it. No, you can not make this shit up. I did not make this shit up. I just wrote it here, stream of consciousness, not thinking, just writing it down. To let it free, and own it. To accept it and thank it, to get to that point of the lesson. I would hate nothing more than for my life to have had not purpose. Telling this truth blows all the lies Adoption said it would do for me out of the water. So, that is key.
I have learned a lot. I have made many friends in this life. I want to make more. I want to be free of this extreme emotional roller coaster, but I can only hang on and ride it out. I can’t seem to explain why I am like this except that I am Adopted. And this blog explains why I say that and what I experienced growing up and how not having my Mama affected my brain. It just is not in me to let go of her. It is not in me to not love her. It is not in me to hate her. It is not in me to forget her, ever. Living without her, makes me sad. And not even being able to go see her without some kind of drama, is upsetting and has angered me very much, so much I had a big tantrum. Yes, it has affected me that much that I have kind of digressed a bit and my emotions have gone haywire.
I really was not aware of myself enough growing up and no one alerted me to even having any issues until I moved away. I was high strung. I felt all balled up inside and would have blow outs. I was very withdrawn and then not. I was this way and that. Like the wind. But I got used to it and kind of made it a song and dance of sorts. I tried to make it funny. Sometimes it worked and others it did not. That is why I am sarcastic, I just make a joke so I don’t get angry or cry. I guess its a defense mechanism.
Churches helped me see myself and begin my road to healing myself back to God. I look at how Mama’s acting and it grieve me. But God is there to take that grief. Thank you. I look at Mama Jean when she is so hateful and cross, spewing venomous words at my son and I, God is there to take the pain and poison away. Thank you. Lord.
My life is not easy. And the life of my children is not easy with me their Mama. But I did the best I could considering all I went through and all my issues, and learning stuff weird and Mama Jean never wanting to say I had a issue. She did not want my labeled. I don’t really know if she did that for me or her, probably both.
Is a person crazy if they know they are crazy? Ive never really argued with anyone about me not being crazy except here. I really know I am unique as they say. People say to me, Belinda? Your crazy, and I say, ” I know, but that can be a good thing”.
I was so upset about the woman I helped and all the trouble she got into up in Redding. And I get really triggered by that kind of thing and truly want to find a way to affect a good change in how we are handling all this homelessness. I do believe the streets need to be cleaned up and folks on the streets should do it and we need to help them see the value in work. They really do have to work all day to get what they need? Why are they doing it like they are? Do they know better? What is the win for them? To say they go it free? Because if it is, it is not free, someone paid a price for what they are given.
I do feel like folks can work to get better for themselves. And I feel charity is not the way. I don’t like to see folks cold and on the streets. And I feel that housing of some sort needs to be provided and they must work for it. And jail is not working either. Jail teaches them nothing. I get what the Rescue Mission up in Redding was trying to do, but its not working. These folks are not getting it. You have to get into the mind of who your helping. Think outside your own ideas, and observe them. The emotion that I shared today was hers. Frantic and floundering. I don’t always make sense at first, but I come back around later to explain. I am empathic and very sensitive to emotions of others around me. I have felt like this woman, many times. I have felt as though I was floundering on a sea of emotions. And my emotions have been very strong. I pick up on others emotions too. And I am working on this right now. My emotions and protection my own energy by not picking up on people so much. It is hard to train yourself to block energy.
I am learning from Mama, right now. She may not know that or realize. But she is pretty good at it. And I am learning about this, I have lived wide open most of my life. Like my radar was on full blast all day and night. I just picked up all of it, like a radio wave. It is intense what people feel. And I am working on self care and tuning out to it all. Because I am safe now. I never really felt safe, and still don’t at this time. But I am willing myself safe, in a garage. I am willing myself ok. I am ok. And the storm is passing over me now. And the wind is blowing it away. I pray it well as it goes. And I pray today is my last time of being unstable. I call on the angels to stabilize me. I ask for Gods help, and love to ground me into the knowing that I am created for a purpose if not for God to just love me.
Thanks for diving deep into my brain today.
Its not so bad once you figure out where everything is.