My Mama and I are so bonded I had to laugh inside when I saw how many pairs of glassed on the table by her morning devotionals, inside of course as to not make her feel I laughed at her. But for a girl with limited exposure to her own Mirror, its so telling about where we are, she and I. The glasses are just one thing I notice.
I am pretty sure she’s got some anxiety these days, because I feel anxious for not reason. And I am the kind of person who can just keep trucking on, what is the thing with she and me? Well? That is precisely what this blogging is about, it is a blurb of truth that when hit by my Mama, tells me where she is at with me. It’s like a bats sonar. I work like that. Much of the information I receive is audible, vibrational in nature. And I receive the vibrations and translate them into feelings and emotions. It is weird, but its how I work.
That is why I know part of Mama’s issue is my sisters. Not as a put down, but a illumination. My sisters are showing where they are at in their heads by showing me their actions, actions do speak loudly. And Mama is showing me whom I war with. The day I went to see her with my son, Mama let me in. She looked a bit perturbed, and I can imagine so. I just came to maybe see my kid, maybe have some food together? Maybe talk to Mama bit and then go. I wanted David to get a feel for what I was feeling, because he, is also very perceptive. And feel energy too. I needed a witness to my families behavior. And my sister obliged by showing us all where she was at, and where my other sisters are.
What I saw was two were disconnected from it, one was quite disturbed about it, or me. And that is completely understandable, since Mama did not prepare them for me. The telling was what came out of my sisters mouth. I saw she was struggling to maintain her place as if I came to take it? I have my own place. But she was unaware of that fact and unaware that our Mama had let me in, and made me coffee, which is very telling about Mama. I am sure Mama is tired of this, and the thought that if I would just go away is an idea that is not really a solution. Why should Mama have to go on without me because her daughters she kept are upset by my presence?
My argument is that Mama has enough love for us all. I have in fact always been a part of her life, but just hidden from their view. I came in and hugged and kissed Mama which showed her my true intent. I gave her gifts and helped her change the table cloth as a child would help their Mama. That is plain for Mama to see, but the issue is to get my sister to see this fact? That once a Mama always a Mama. She remembers dates and events, she is my Mama. She cares deeply to remember such things.
The question that needs answered is this,
Do I want something that is not already mine? No
Do I want something that is my sisters? No
Do I have a right to even stop up and process? Yes.
I have a birthright to want a relationship with my Mama.
And that my wish and desire is a natural one that God supports and has lead me to pursue with full faith.
So, what is the deal?
Change of mindset, that is what the deal is.
My sisters have lived their lives without another sister and in fact had another sister. This sister knew about them and loved them. This sister remembered her family, oddly enough, I saved my memories of them and held onto my heritage.
How would I know they would think this a wrong thing? How would I know that they had not known about me? God did not reveal that to me. For a reason. I came back complete oblivious of this fact. I came back and came home to a family that did not even know about me. And my Mama made a life around that omission of fact.
Now we can point it out all day, but what will we do about it? Will we stay this way? or will we adjust to the fact that was hidden? Is it good for our Mama to have to go on without all her children? Well, she did sign me away and gave all her power away. But, I came back and handed it back to her. She can’t re-raise me, but she can enjoy me in all my weird and wacky ways. She can enjoy seeing what came of the child she trusted into Gods care and see what God did with her.
That would be such a great thing. If Mama could be supported in her relationship with her daughter that has come home to know her. It would be so healthy for Mama to be able to feel happy about her daughters return and not be bombarded with silly nonsense that just upsets it all and makes Mama obviously scared for her life when I show up. So scared she must call my big sister to keep her safe from her own daughter?
My sister acts like, or have acted like Mama can’t take care of herself? But recognize this, she does not have too. I am no threat. LOL I am the daughter of a mighty woman of God! Cant you see that? She’s warring over the word and looking for answers, and her answer came home, again and again God sent me to her door.
I do have things to do. I am not some pathetic person over here. I am the daughter of a mighty woman of God and I do Gods work. I talk about my Mama to everyone, and I tell them of my love for her to prick their own hearts to do the same. My Mama gave me away! And you can’t love the one that kept you enough to make sure she gets a good reunion with a child that could love her as much as I do? Seriously. Thats what I have been shocked about, and not sure what to do, but Mama showed me on my last visit, when big sister walked into the door, and her mouth opened. Wow. Girl step down. Your place is yours and your showing your ass in front of your sister who’s looked up to you!
This ain’t Mama over here writing this. This is her daughter who has lived through fire to love her and preserve that love! This is her baby grown up and hell won’t keep her from me. Not even your hell, THAT IS MY MAMA TOO! Back off me! And like check yourselves. This is how your actions look to me! Is this how you want me to see you? Are you able to see that? You now do not like the taste of what you have been giving me? I turned the mirror back on you! Do not be foolish to think I, from Mama, am, so, dumb.
I am setting a new standard and I do this with Mama’s full blessings! She wants better for us! I can see that and am working my ass off to turn this titanic around! By telling the truth! I miss her! I want her! I am being humble, I have paid the price for such a love from such a woman as she! Christ paid it, and I paid double to make sure! I put up.
Support her in this, did she not support you all?
Mama, I got your back…. I got you in my heart always. I am that bitch you needed and I have your back, keep moving forward to our promised land. All haters gone, shut up, by my truth, my unconditional love, you read all the things I could have held against you, but I don’t, only do if you think I did? I forgave you everyday. I loved you everyday. I prayed for you. Longed for your company, drew on a memory I had of you like a dream, an angel you were to me along this long path back to your door. To show you my raggedy heart that God stitched back together, for you.
Sisters, In Jesus Name I pray and ask that God touches your hearts to support us and quiet our Mama’s fears, God hath not given any of us a spirit of fear.
When you don’t talk to me, this is how you look. You all can see me, whewing you back to me. Like a lover gone mad, I have raged for the love of my life before you all. I have professed a love that will not die! Call me obsessed! I don’t care, she intoxicates me and I can’t stop drinking it! Oh, my Mama, my love. I lay prostrate before the world… My knee is not low enough, to profess this love, how low it went for you, the gutter to your door… I am proud of that gutter, I profess this love freely, prostrate before you.
I am loyal. To two Woman and have found honor in them both. My Mama’s are my queens! I have prostrated myself before the planet, if you come read this. I am hidden not more! And my love is for this woman I came from! Support me and support yourselves!
Mama’s need honor! I don’t care what she did, she is YOUR MAMA! That woman has gone where you did not have to because of her! And I am sure my Fathers have sent me back to her to tell her so! Someone who’s been where I has every right to say it like it is and still love a woman!!!
This post is about Mama and I will post for Mama Jean. I think its time to celebrate them separately, and tell the tale of how I got here.. and made it back home. How love won!!!!