Ok, so, now I have let the cat out of the bag and told all the dirty dirty.
And I’ve expressed all that I compressed. Ive show the tears and walked you through the pain. I have told the nasty side of such a supposed loved fill idea. And guess what?
I’m still here. Still writing, still living. And all that I told was an old story that my inner child wanted me to tell, to the world and my Mama’s. Why? So we can learn, and grow from this.
With pinpoint accuracy I hit the mark. From a place outside of my Mama’s realm, I go the message loud and clear. And she just needed the update as the what I went through and what I overcame. My mama is a rock, and of course, so am I. Unmovable in my experiences, and my life journey. I have withstood it all with God saving grace. And if you think different? Well, that you. Not me.
Sure my Mama had dreams for me. She sure did. And me going through pain was not one of them? She was trying to steer me from pain, but then again, did she really see where she sent me? No, she did not know the other side of this coin called love. But I do.
My Mama has felt more emotions these days than in years gone by. And she can thank me. Yep, once she realizes what I have done for us, she will notice the pain subside. She will begin, or has already begun to feel better about me. Because now, as Paul Harvey would say, “She knows the rest of the story.”
And Mama’s and daughters should talk, and be able to talk about the hard stuff together. If Mama could not talk to me? Well, I spoke up her where she could take it in as slow as she needed, cuz she needed my 411 to realize how far her baby came, to come back home. She should now see what i had to wade through to keep following her pure light of love. Yes, she should and does see how much God loves her that God would send me home to tell her and show her the love of the child she thought she gave away forever. And that she loves her Mama enough to tell her the truth as I experienced it, from a child’s point of view trying to make sense of a very complicated idea.
I worked so hard to keep trying to see the silver lining and there was none. So, what went wrong for me and Mama? Well, Mama did not factor, not did Adoption, that I might have an opinion different than what Adoption deems the norm. Yeah, I saw it and many of my brothers and sister saw it differently and that is what needs to change. Our mindset needs to change. And we must do better by every child born.
Was I a demon spawn? No. I was a child that was a product of an act. I was a gift who got a bad reputation from an act done to my Mama. And I paid the price for that. And had to grow up without her for the act that gave me this life of mine. And Mama can go on without me. I don’t want her too. But she can. And I will live on. I will have a part of me that mourns the loss of a Mama like her, yes. But I can manage that, I went so many years hiding this love of mine for her. I can go on proclaiming it forever. Now that its all out in the open, I can truly. Be. Me. At last.
I owe my Mama nothing, but to love her.
8 Owe no man anything, but to love one another, for he that loveth another hath fulfilled the law.
I have fulfilled the law and love My Mama truly.
Thanks for showing up.