What I consider is how can my Mama and I go on with all our past holding on and choking out what is to be? That is why I came out about it all. I did this to show Mama all that was poured into me and poured it all out here in front of everyone as a way to show her how serious I am about her and I.
To truly care about someone is to be completely honest with how you saw them and eventually how you want to see them. You can’t see someone differently if you hold onto an old idea of who they are. That is what I am doing here. I am chasing it all away by speaking up and exposing myself. I don’t want to think like I have?
My question and my answer is that stuffing all my feelings in a room with a stranger helps no one. My Mama did not hide her truth from me when I was relinquished. I had to face the truth that my Mama did not want to raise me. But that’s the old. And I faced it my whole life. I only wish for some respect in the form of telling me why? From her lips.
Like I know how it felt. But my mind would appreciate an explanation. And to be able to even hear that explanation I needed to get my own shit out of the way. How can I let anything new in with all that shit stuffed within me screaming to get out. So. I let it out at a huge risk and in faith that Mama would figure it out. I am banking on that brain of hers to recalculate her stand with me.
I mean of course Mama did the most loving thing at the time. But the new question is what is the right thing now? Is blocking me truly the right action for today? or is it an extension of the old actions? Second chances take work. This is me extending a second chance to her. And that is a huge gesture on my part. If you have been reading my blog, I feel it is clear.
Birthing a new relationship means an old relationship has to die. It’s got to more painful to be the same to push us onto a new thing. God puts throbs In The nest so we learn to use our spiritual wings and fly. And the exciting thing is grace covers it all. By the response of Mama, it’s has not looked like grace covered me. And it should. How can Mama know I forgave her if she does not know what I overcame to do that?
I’m excited about what God is doing. And I don’t go back and read my posts. Because I don’t want to go back. But what I’ve seen is that Mama and I were tied to each other by our old energy. And what I’ve learned by going to counselors and not feeling helped is that it needs to be done with the one you have an issue with. A stranger can coach you, but it so you can do it yourself. Counselor teach us how to work it out and find the words to speak to the one who has upset us, or visa versa.
These days people just suck it up and move on. People. Snot needs to be blown out not sucked up. Mama and I can’t paint over what was. But we can expose it and lovingly clean it up and then move on with clear consciences to build a new thing. And there is so much we can do beyond our tower moment.
I am hopeful and excited to see what God does for us. If this can happen for me, it can happen for us all. All good things take work.