Growing up without your mama is so cool, everyone should do it. Not. Or maybe they should? I mean, I grew up in this fairytale world, right? People that are kept by their own Mama’s wish to be relinquished. Yeah, they told me. I guess having your own Mama is way over rated. I guess Mom’s are someone you can pick up at the Rite Aid or maybe a bar. Many times? That is precisely how it starts. I have done the research.
What is a Mother anyway? I wouldn’t know, mine didn’t show up to do her job. Yeah, she tapped out way before she relinquished me. I was just way to much! What was she doing with my Dad anyway? I don’t know that, and I will never really know now will I with Mama’s lips closed and her legs crossed praying to god for a crop failure on me. I guess I will have to tell myself a story about it. I wonder, if I was conceived in the back seat of a Chevy, like Mama told me so tenderly after our meeting?, I wonder why she was even there? Someone needed to teach that woman better. Well, that day has passed, but Mama failed the exam. And its my job to teach her better, so she can teach those grand babies better, you know? The girls?
Sure, my Dad was good looking, but could she not see further than his looks? That is the thing about woman, they don’t pay attention. Why? Because for as long as I can remember, girls are pumped full of images and stories of a Prince charming that will come and sweep her off her feet. Well, I am here to tell you, he may sweep you off your feet, but he will leave you holding the bag, like my Dad did. He did not even know what he did to her for years, until I showed up. I want to believe that my Father loved my Mama. But I am not sure that anyone could love my Mama. She does not seem to love herself. And then theres me, the product of her affair with my bartender Dad. Such a lovely bedtime story, isn’t it? I bet you have your own.
I am the product of that night in the back seat with my Dad, who from my Mama’s own lips, date rapped her. Wow! Thanks Dad! Way to go. But after really praying about it, I wonder, who was the player? Mama’s got some good tricks up her sleeve and getting caught with the bag was not going to need all of them, She was a not going to be one of those woman, not one of them. No, she threw that bag out with the baby as fast as she could. Any wonder I am like I am. When your Mama sells you out for her reputation, what did she expect an angel.? I apologize Mama if this hurts, but you kind of hurt me, again and again and again. I see why you carry a knife in your car. To make sure when I come up, you get a good stab at me.
Oh, but Mama, remember, grace covers it all, that is if you confess it. It is strange being estranged by your Mama. And even stranger when you find that woman that held your bag that she threw way after years of praying to find her and rid myself of this disbelief and mistrust in woman. Mama really fucked Mama jean over doing me like she did. No one does me like that. I now only trust those who shows up and who show me they are trustworthy, not ass lickers for the highest bid. And God made the way, or the devil, you choose what you want to believe, lead me right back to her. She did not improve with age or a bible. Like you read my posts, I vacillate between hope and anger. I swing this way and that. That is what happens to a child who’s Mama does this to her again and again. Sure I love her in a twisted way, what other way is there? She did not give me a straight road back home.
No more nice girl, Belinda. I am hot, about my Mamas behavior. Go on Chelsie Lynn, back a woman who basically broke your own Mama’s trust. Go on. Just kiss her ass and leave me like she did. Way to go team! Seriously. And don’t look at me and point your finger when three point back at you sweet pea. Because Ive been honest and like wtf. Guess you like liars better. The kind that live in glass bubbles in a neighborhood set up like medusas hair. Go one sweetie, just lick it up all that fake ass shit. I can sleep at night because at least I am real. Oh, I forgive her, she obviously knows not what she did. But you, you know better sweetness. I personally don’t think her brain can comprehend what she did to herself by doing me like this, and continues to do me like this. Yeah, you should be scared. Gods got your number and he gave it to me, or was that the devil again? Go on feel sorry for the woman who stabbed my heart. Lovely, just lovely. So proud of you pumpkin.
Listen folks, lets get real. Being Adopted changes us. We become our own Mama’s after relinquishment. Who can you trust when what should have been your most trusted alley sells you out. I would like to paint it another way, but lets face it, I don’t have enough paint for this mess. Oh, and by the way, this is grown up Belinda typing today. My inner child is the one who shares my experiences and feelings growing up, I am the guardian of that child. Mama Jean showed up for a job of feeding me while I figure myself out. And I trust her as far as I can throw her. I trust what she shows me. She can thank Mama one day, for that one. And that is what happens folks. WE just take care of ourselves, because you Adoptive parents got sold a lie that you really wanted to believe. Well, the jokes on you.
Sure, we Adoptees want to believe a happily ever after story. But when you come into the world like we? Its just not possible, unless our Mama’s get a clue as to what they do, to us. Show me. That is what we want. Fix our Mama’s. Obviously she’s not mentally ok? And why do we have to pay for the sins of the man who impregnated her, when she should not have even been with him? When she should have learned better. Protect yourselves woman! Why? Why don’t we teach woman how to be safe about men and there ways of getting into our pants, as if we are some Pez dispenser for their dicks. Although? Now that I think about it? We could snap that head down and cut them off if we were? Like jack off buddy! Get off me. I am not your live blow up doll. Snap! Snap! Hey, I have a brain and am a person here! Not some doll with no feelings.
Ive spent my life hanging out with men. Like I have written, am a tomboy. I was not the girl boys wanted to get with. Because? Well, I acted like them. That was my secret weapon. When you act like the boys, they don’t like it. They want innocent girls to defile, not ones who know exactly who they are. I turn it on them. Men are like animals because we let them stay that way. I turn the table and give them what they give me. It does not take a man to long to figure out I am on to him, but I give them the rope they need to hang themselves. Just like they do us. You better realize that one. I just open my mouth and boom. But I have been married three times, and each man got taught a lesson. I make sure of it. The world needs more woman like me. I don’t back down and I don’t like them taking advantage of my Mama either. Or my kids and friends.
Oh, and I am a capricorn, Saturn is my ruling planet. So Karma is my middle name baby. You choose which kind of karma you want when you deal with me.
Most people just think me weird, but I am a genius in a woman body. God made me that way. I have the body of a woman, and the mind like a man. Remember my brother who dies in my Mama’s womb with me? yeah, he gave me all his cells, and fuels my flame. Thank you John! Men are full of shit, if you let them be. But when I am done with a man, they are shitless. I squeeze the shit out them and make them face what they do to woman. I cook up a pot of shit and feed it right back to them. They don’t get to just go on and ruin another woman’s life without realizing that its not ok, not without a fight, from me. I use words to mind fuck them, like they do woman. Except my knife goes way deeper, thanks to John. It may take a while, but I always bag my prey, as I pray in a dress. Mama made a weapon out of me. And I take my job seriously, because woman need to not make the children created pay for what men do to them, they need to put the blame where it lies. Lack of knowledge is our worst enemy.
Sure, cry over you rosary beads and all, or get up and learn. God does help those who help themselves to his knowledge and understanding. What is the word without understanding? And most of the preacher I might add are the biblically programer out here! Hello, woman, get with it. Take the stand and make a stand. We have power unused. Step up to the mike and forget how you look! That dress can’t save you from a mindless dick thats looking for his hole in one. OK? Hey, sleeping in the garage must be helping. I mean, God forbid that woman get down and dirty with men? I mean we do, and then we realize the dirts on us. Turn that mud clod around and throw it bitch! Dont be scared to throw it back because it will mess up your shoes, it could mess up your life and the life of the child he impregnate you with.
My almost last husband got a taste of his own medicine. He did his first wife so wrong. He was such a dick to his own child and tried to blame it on me! LOL. Good one, but not. Wrong girl you fucked with. Wrong. I taught him a lesson about how to treat woman. I watched him, maneuver and work his nice boy magic. What a crock. Hey honey! Hope your reading. Yeah, time to wake up sweetie! His ex thought I was the monster! Ha! He’s got some dark shit. Dark. And his daughter is so in need of a good Dad, and he’s a flake and blames it on his woman. He blamed it all on his first wife and thought I believed it! LOL. I take the bait. But I don’t swallow it. My throats like steel, the hook just does not stick. Oh Darn.
Poor boy. That is precisely what he is a boy. Still tied to his Mama’s aprons, she has many. She rules him. Kind of sick if you ask me. We were, well, still are married, I need to file, for almost 12 years! So honey, I saw it all. And I study human nature like I have said. And his ex was just so turned around and so upset, I could not leave her like that. A good woman does not leave her home girl down in the dark where some two bit boy left her, no. I had to get to the bottom of this pit. I did. And wow! Dark. And smelly. His Mama hides all the bodies and covers his tracks. But I got a good look. He’s got it coming to him and I did not send the package. He ordered himself and knows full well whats inside. I told him. I gave him the 411, babe, don’t even. My Daddy’s taught me well. I remembered all the tricks. All the tricks… And I told him I did. To bad, he didn’t believe me and run! LOL
Men are dumb like that, when they think I am dumb like that.
But Adoptions so cool right? I made the best of it. Being treated like a doll is nice but I like being a human and having opportunities to grown. I simply do not like being put on the shelf when someone does playing with me and parading me around for show. My ex made the mistake of telling me I was his trophy! Girls, we are not trophy’s. We are woman and worth way more than a diamond ring! No matter how big, buy that shit for yourself honey. Let him learn what real love is, work. Hard work. And they run when you turn the mirror back on them.
Men don’t know what to do. And we need to teach them what not to do. My Mama didn’t know what to do except to sell me out. I guess she hoped that I would learn my lesson? Or was it my Dad’s lesson? Well, ok Mama. Guess your the only one left in class now, you gonna learn the lesson. Dont even do me like that. And you better stop what your doing now if you know whats really good for you, you’ll be calling me on the phone and telling me you ate that shit you think your so right about. Yeah, how do you like your crow pie served? Cuz its coming at ya, I don’t deal with woman who treat me like you, i teach um a lesson. SO LEARN!
You can pray all day, but faith demands work. What are you doing? Oh, cooking at the church? Yeah thats gonna really help us. Obedience above sacrifice Mama. You can’t hide behind the bible. Gods not going to let you. 1Samuel 15:22 says, And Samuel said, Hath the LORD as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the LORD? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to hearken than the fat of rams. Now this scripture stands on its own. Is Motherhood not a call? Are we supposed to obey that call or hit the snooze button for 55 years? Please, explain that one to me. I am so interested in your answer, not.
Go one Mama hate me because I am kicking your ass in front of everyone, or step the fuck up. Oh, you don’t like my words? Well, if grace covers your sin of stepping off on me is covered? My words are covered too. Get real. Dont try to play me, because you play yourself. Mama Jean deserved better, not a child half killed and thrown away like trash with no instructions. That goes for all you Mama’s! Recognize! And you better share this post and get the word out. I don’t like being treated like shit to flush, my brother deserved better, and I do too. Today, I deserve better. You may run Mama, but you can’t hide from God who gave me your number. Or the devil, whatever! Blah, blah, blah!
1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a ringing gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge,and if I have absolute faith so as to move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and exult in the surrender of my body, but have not love, I gain nothing.… 1 for 13:2.
You want to know who the devil is? God angry. God teaching us a lesson about this worlds laws. Run honey. Go on keep hiding from God and me. God is still waiting for you ass to show up and stop sticking your head in the proverbial sand of the bible verses you toil over.
I love you enough to kick you ass back in line. I love you enough to stand up to your entitled ass and set you straight! Your girl came home. To this! Look at you all surrounded with THINGS! Is stuff what your about? And who it goes too? Or maybe is there something more? You are a soul, that came from God and you are letting your flesh run the show. Crucify that shit! I surely did long ago, going up without even my own voice because you sold my voice away. You strangled me. I was dumb founded and reeling. I love my twin brother. And you. Way to go Mama. Way to go. Own it. Or suffer your own consciences. I own mine. I know I am flawed, look at you, I see where I came from.
We don’t have to go out like this. No. But stubbornness is a streak in this family and your the ring leader. I am not being stubborn, I am being firm and honest. I don’t think you know the difference anymore, you’ve been living a lie to long. Wake up will ya? I can do this all day as God or the Devil give me the fuel by taking my brain and my experiences and turning them into words I could not speak until I got real. About you. Love is an action word. Not just flowers and roses, it is sweat and work. Cleaning the house is not work that can fix a relationship with your own flesh and blood. You can’t clean me away like you thought you did back in the day. The bathroom? Seriously, the bathroom is where you went to clean me away? Thanks. I know what you think about yourself now.
I am not shit to be flushed or bleached girl. I am your own child. And to teach other woman to do what you did is a shame you must pay for with a confession. Grace is the only thing that can save your soul now. And confess you will or I am not your daughter. But everyone knows I am. Now. So get with it. Lets go. Chop Chop. I am done being nice. And I will not fluff your Ego, until you right this left turn clyde. I mean 30 years, you went on like nothing? Like it was just a hoot. And now 55 years running and your still not ready? Get real. I drive up there to see my raggedy ass daughter, who does not appreciate me. And I do that to show her, I am ready to work. But, she’s swallowed your shit lie and now acts like you all christian and defying it all at once by disrespecting me? Well done. If your the devil? Are you? What are you account for yourself to me your child come all this way home.
Tell those raggedy ass girls of yours to back off me. And shut the fuck up. I am done. Oh, I guess I told them myself. They must want a kick in the ass too? Well, let me oblige. I do not know what church you have been going to, but that paster is a wimp. Maybe that is why you switch churches? You don’t like when God gets to close to what you need to look at? Well, get over it, no pain, no gain. My baby girls got shit to tell me and I say bring it! Bring that shit to your Mama and give me the 411!
I am faithful.
- 1.the quality of having experience, knowledge, and good judgment; the quality of being wise.synonyms:antonyms: