Adoptees, it takes faith to go home. It takes work to go home completely. And it takes a whole lot of love to dismantle the old reputation your family has of you. It take moxy to face your families opinions that are steeped in lies and I thought so’s. It’s take faith to face the family you came from and not succumb to the mass status quo of wrong ideas about who you are and have become of such a bold move as to relinquish.
Virgos like my Mama don’t let go of much of anything, let alone their children. My Mama is that kind of Mama. She never really let go of me, she just tucked me inside her and loved me there. She knew what she did. But the deed was done. And she needed a higher power to help her understand and process what it meant to me.
Being sensitive is a blessing. Being connected to Mama was my blessing. And coming home would mean work on my part. I have had to do way more work coming home today than had I came home back in the 60’s. Because my sisters got used to being the only ones. And they just were not in touch with reality, because then there’s me. And for Mama to have what she wanted meant that this time around?, I had to help carve out the space in my sisters minds to accept the Fact, they have another sister who matters to their Mama too.
It’s take faith in yourself and faith in Mama, and faith in God’s plan. God loves us all. Even those of us removed. Especially those of us removed from our families no matter what age. It’s does look a bit crazy when you spin the yarn ball and unravel it. It’s a bit of a mess. The yarn is strung all over and lays on the floor lifeless. But a trained person knows how to fix that. It takes a person who can have patients to whined it again into a better ball than before.
And I am that one for Mama. I came back into her life and began to unravel her. And I worked the knots. And I learned how to knit and crochet, so now, I can make something beautiful from the yarn if Mamas unraveling to show her the beauty beyond her undoing. We will do, again. For there is time. Time for fun and love and life. Beyond all she and I went through.
Believe me when I write, Mama went through it. She can’t fool me, I came from her. And in me was a deep knowing that she needed my help for coming home. My Mama had fears, and I know, fear is not of God. And I realized that my sisters had fears, passed on energetically from her. Fear of displacement, is jealousy. Fear of retribution is fear of judgement; which showed me, Mama knew what she did. And she hurt for it.
Sure Mamas tough bird. She’s the toughest. But she wants me in her life. But fear was in our way, because Mama gave me fear too, but I faced it by coming home anyway. Because I have faith in the God we both serve. Mama. Don’t fear anymore. I’ve got you. My arms have always been open wide for you and my love is a constant in this equation of your life as we sold for this x.
Faith is stronger than fear. And when faith shows up? Fear has to go. I was a family secret no one talked about, let alone my sisters. And my sisters have been blindfolded to my existence within our Mamas heart for a long time. We fear what is unknown. But fear is only a teacher. It’s a spirit that holds us until we break free and let faith have its way.
Have no more fear Mama, it’s not of God. Your gift has come home. And always remember when that beautiful head hits the pillow at night that this child loves you beyond your wildest dreams. And know, that God gave me that love for you. And know this, no one can have what has always been yours dear woman. Always. I will say it again, written here, I never let go you either dear Mama.
Children have such a capacity to love. And there is room for holding onto our love for our Mamas and forming new to love our new Mamas. Always. We don’t really like having to love them. No. Naturally we want our own Mamas. And that’s what happens to Adoptees in this is that we learn to love more broadly and expansively. And there is much we learn growing up as we do.
Grief is love. For to love deeply and to loose that love means it’s real. If we grieve it’s a sign that the love we have is strong and lasting. Grief is a knee jerk for us who have lost. You can’t stop a knee jerk reaction, but you can learn from it. Grief has taught me the dark side of love. Darkness represent what’s hidden. And you don’t really know how much you love someone until you loose them.
And for me and Mama? We needed to see that we both are no longer dead to each other. And we needed to see that we can let go of our grief because there’s still time for us. People may have been, and I use that statement as a polite telling, feeling that I was a bit over the top. And yet y’all don’t know my Mama. She demands it to get the weight of the offer set before her. She needed to know how far I came to even be able to place this offer on the table to her. She needed to see the weeds of thoughts that I faced during our time apart to get the value of my offer of love.
My Mamas a very organized woman and her home is filled with beautiful things that she has a story about each one. She know where everyone of those pieces are and what they mean. She does not like disorder and she has memories attached to each item. On a resent visit Mama showed me all of the pieces my step father made her and she lovingly told me the story. She showed me his ashes, that are placed within her bedroom, close to the space they shared together. It’s was very telling. And I have a poker face.
I love it when Mama tells the stories about each item she cherished. It’s grounding to me. I simply love it. And I don’t even care if she and I fight or disagree and have words, because words are just sounds. And I love her voice. In the posts where I show you my struggle with doubt as I birth our new life, I struggle with hearing Mamas voice in me and hate it. What I hate is the thought of never hearing her voice again from her. What I struggle with is accepting that I may only ever hear her voice come out of me. And that is a painful thought to look at and accept. But I am a realist in that way. I face the what if’s head on.
I want people see that doing these things is quite normal. That we should never feel ashamed for having deep emotions about probabilities. That facing possible outcomes is quite liberating. Mama and I could loose each other any day. And yet we have not and I feel that is god’s grace allowing us to truly reconnect. If Mama had of kept me, she and I would have had many moments when our heads butted. I am a strong willed person and demand to be informed as to why? Or what?
Faith the scriptures say is:
Hebrews 11:1 King James Version (KJV)
11 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
The substance of my faith is my Mamas love that lives in me for us. It’s the evidence that has not been seen. Her love calls to me. And her love has called to me forever. She would call me to the field near where I grew up. And I would feel her there as the wind wrapped me in her tender kisses sent on God’s prayer line to me.
I know my Mama!
And I know God deeply. I know the high price my Mama paid giving me to another and to trust god and her faith I would turn out ok.
Mama. I am more than ok.
My Mama has sent invisible prayers straight to my highest good. Like an arrow. She’s an excellent marksman. They all hit there mark. I felt everyone. She is my angel. My secret love that helps me love deeper and more vividly. It’s her love that helped me get clean of all the world threw on me and us. But Mama needed to know what the world said behind her back while she was on her knees praying for me. Yep. I love her enough to be real so she can ground herself in that truth.
The was truth that while she was praying, peoples words try to prey on her love for me. That people tried to stop me from loving her. But they didn’t and they could because if my Mama Faith, in prayer. My Mama had to trust God with her gift she gave away in faith people. But not everyone jabbed at my love for Mama. Many helped me pray back to her and to help me be strong carrying a love so big for such a little freckles girl.
I surrounded myself with thrones to protect that love. They could not get to close because I guarded it like my heart. Because it was my heart. Damn a world that would put down our Mamas and degrade their sacrifices for our highest good. No. The world did not do what the world professed that Adoption could do. You can’t truly take Mama away from us. Nor can you replace her. No. You can teach us a lot of her worth keeping her from us? Yes.
I’m gonna be frank. Mama needed me to come back. She needed this kind of love in her life right now. My sisters are oblivious. Sad to write. But from my assessment of their actions during Mama dark night of her soul? That’s what I see. MeN ass bitches that need a spanking from God to walk them up to their own Mamas need for all her babies! Let’s get real. Mamas have needs too. And you three bitches can fill my slot! K. It’s mine. In her is my own place. I can’t wait to see from Mama story of how it looks. Her prayers tell me it’s a castle for a queen.
I am just what the great physician ordered for Mama. And my time is now. Our time is now. Yesterday’s gone. And what’s left is always love. We can not love our Mamas. We may not like how they act at times? By some good old salt of truth can always iron that out real quick. Truth preserves love.
My sisters need to get on their knees and thank God for me, like I do them. Yes. I’ve prayed for you butches unaware! Get right. Because this is all left. Step to the knew beat it will get easier each step. That old warn out shoe is gone and your feet are gonna need shelter. Step into the new shoes of our new experiences. It’s gonna be great. Fear not what comes. We now, have each other. You didn’t realize you needed me. But I always knew I needed you dear sisters.
I’m tough. Mama made sure of it with her prayers. And god delivered what Mama prayed for. To her door. I sought her out and gave her back the power to me my Mama, and showed that it was always hers. She can try again. But I’m older and grown so the old tricks don’t work on me. She has to talk to me like an adult. Like the friend she gave away and who came back with a vengeance.
For it is written:
Mark 10:9 King James Version (KJV)
9 What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.
How can a child separate themselves from their Mama? Is she not weaves within each cell? Is not DNA the programming within us to survive and thrive?
1 into separate parts; in or into pieces:
How does a child just deprogram nine months of living within someone? Mama was my meet and great. But not my destination. I came with a purpose that not even she could fathom.
She can see it now. And Mama needed me to come
Back like I have. She gave her power away. And I am the only one with the power to give it back. By birthright.
People tried to tear me apart talking smack about Mama. But they couldn’t. I knew who I came from. God. Mamas body just made this vehicle I ride in.
I am a messenger. Of love.
If you see hate? It’s in you and I am the mirror you gaze into. Because coming from God? I am filled with love and I have no qualms turning the mirror back on yourself if you need it. You know? If you have a bugger or some mascara running down?
I shoot from the hip like that. And it’s great to be a light in a dark world, but not everyone wants the lights on. Some people like the darkness of unaccountability. I own my shit.
Now what you think about that? My shit? Is dependent on how you view your own?
Shoot my baby’s sister does not even believe in God? Seriously girl? God’s got your number. Lol. Can’t wait to see that coming around. Your Daddy loves God. Hmm?
I got your back Mama and this girls need to practice what you preach with your life.
I thank God you read so many bible studies. Thank you for constantly feeding on god’s word.
I see what you’ve done for me. I see. Have faith Mama. God’s just cutting dead wood off us. Be of good cheer. Christ overcame.
Luke 21 King James Version (KJV)
21 And he looked up, and saw the rich men casting their gifts into the treasury.
2 And he saw also a certain poor widow casting in thither two mites.
3 And he said, Of a truth I say unto you, that this poor widow hath cast in more than they all:
4 For all these have of their abundance cast in unto the offerings of God: but she of her penury hath cast in all the living that she had.
5 And as some spake of the temple, how it was adorned with goodly stones and gifts, he said,
6 As for these things which ye behold, the days will come, in the which there shall not be left one stone upon another, that shall not be thrown down.
7 And they asked him, saying, Master, but when shall these things be? and what sign will there be when these things shall come to pass?
8 And he said, Take heed that ye be not deceived: for many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and the time draweth near: go ye not therefore after them.
(Adoption professes to save and is an anti christ)
9 But when ye shall hear of wars and commotions, be not terrified: for these things must first come to pass; but the end is not by and by.
10 Then said he unto them, Nation shall rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom:
11 And great earthquakes shall be in divers places, and famines, and pestilences; and fearful sights and great signs shall there be from heaven.
12 But before all these, they shall lay their hands on you, and persecute you, delivering you up to the synagogues, and into prisons, being brought before kings and rulers for my name’s sake.
13 And it shall turn to you for a testimony.
14 Settle it therefore in your hearts, not to meditate before what ye shall answer:
15 For I will give you a mouth and wisdom, which all your adversaries shall not be able to gainsay nor resist.
16 And ye shall be betrayed both by parents, and brethren, and kinsfolks, and friends; and some of you shall they cause to be put to death.
17 And ye shall be hated of all men for my name’s sake.
18 But there shall not an hair of your head perish.
19 In your patience possess ye your souls.
20 And when ye shall see Jerusalem compassed with armies, then know that the desolation thereof is nigh.
21 Then let them which are in Judaea flee to the mountains; and let them which are in the midst of it depart out; and let not them that are in the countries enter thereinto.
22 For these be the days of vengeance, that all things which are written may be fulfilled.
23 But woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck, in those days! for there shall be great distress in the land, and wrath upon this people.
24 And they shall fall by the edge of the sword, and shall be led away captive into all nations: and Jerusalem shall be trodden down of the Gentiles, until the times of the Gentiles be fulfilled.
25 And there shall be signs in the sun, and in the moon, and in the stars; and upon the earth distress of nations, with perplexity; the sea and the waves roaring
26 Men’s hearts failing them for fear, and for looking after those things which are coming on the earth: for the powers of heaven shall be shaken.
27 And then shall they see the Son of man coming in a cloud with power and great glory.
28 And when these things begin to come to pass, then look up, and lift up your heads; for your redemption draweth nigh
My Mama gave all and I brought it all back to her. Her precious gift of love back to her door. I unwrapped myself Mama. I never can wait to unwrap a present so the recipient can see.
I hope you like my love. It’s fierce. God help anyone that gets in my lives way. My love eats demons and enemies of such a love god gave me for you.
Receive it now. Fully feel and be mindful of my prayers of love I prayed as a child back to you. Xo.
Always your girl Mama.
Can we go camping yet? I do so want some of those sour dough pancakes of yours!! Please! Pretty please with pure maple syrup on them? 👏👏👏👏👏
The Priestly Blessing
22 And the Lord spoke to Moses, saying: 23 “Speak to Aaron and his sons, saying, ‘This is the way you shall bless the children of Israel. Say to them:
“The Lord bless you and keep you;
The Lord make His face shine upon you,
And be gracious to you;
The Lord lift up His countenance upon you,
And give you peace.”’
27 “So they shall put My name on the children of Israel, and I will bless them.”