The year my baby girl was born, I found my Mama. It was 1994, and I was so excited to meet the one I came from. I was so filled with God love and hope for our new future. But little did I know, reunions take two. I was ready, and yet not for all my Mama had to give even if it might me a challenge. I’m not sure she was. And now I am sure she was not ready for me.
In 1963, she was not ready for this ball of energy that is called me. And for 25 years I’ve watched as she’s tried to figure me out. Because remember, I am a piece of her she left behind. She thought back in the day that some bleach and a good cleaning session could rid her soul of me. But all good things come back around for another spin. And she did not realize back then at 25, you can’t bleach a child born from your flesh from your soul. I imagine she knows now.
Mama was always within me. And as a child growing up without her Mama to guide her, I found my way with the help of the woman my Mama sent me too. But Mama didn’t send any instructions with Mama Jean and refuse to meet the woman that would be my Mama. That’s tells a story if it’s own. A story I wanted to hear from her.
Time had not seemed to have given Mama anymore patience than in 1963. You would think that a 30 years time or from her duty would have given her much work on and yet she stuffed me away like an old rag she wanted to forget about. They say time heals everything and she didn’t even realize she was still carrying a wound about me, until I came home.
My Mama had absolutely buried me within her and forgotten that once a Mama always a Mama even when your child’s gone and living in another state. She tricked herself into thinking it was over. But god had other ideas about it. And she would soon begin to learn why and what.
It’s not easy being the child of a woman who can do such a thing. It’s not easy coming home to a woman who buried you within her fibers and told herself a story to make it ok. I was trapped in her and trapped with an old story that she did not want to remember, because shame was there with me within her.
I did not realize it at the time, but Mama had not healed. But god had a plan. I did not know the plan at the time, but I now can see how God’s Love wanted to work through me. And loving a woman who was turned around and needing your love so bad is a challenge. A challenge I was born for.
Mama had fears about me. But she would to tell me that, but she didn’t have too. I could see it and feel it. I know that relationships take work and work is what I know will help my reputation and to quiet her fears. Little did I know back then that I would blog about her and let the world see our process of healing. Mama was scared. She had secrets she did not want me to know.
I grew up in a small town. And my new family was a part of this town. My new family was a prominent part of the fabric of this small down I call home. It’s not easy to go back to where you came from to meet a woman who bore you, but I did just that, fearlessly. And I would not go back and erase a single minute if my time with her. Because children always love their Mamas, even if their Mama thought they were a mistake.
I am proud of this achievement in my life. And have worked very hard to maintain a level of equilibrium between two woman that I love. It’s was not easy making sure Mama Jean knew I loved her still while I treated back to Mamas door step. And Mama Jean feared for me as much as Mama feared for herself and her family. Mama Jean seemed to know that Mama would be a tough but to crack, and I am grateful for her unconditional love that helped me go back to learn about my roots.
Going home is so telling. I now know why I felt like I did growing up, because Mama had instilled in me much that would haunted me. And what haunted me was precisely what God took me home to make right. God wanted me to see why. And God wanted me to see my worth. As I compared two woman I saw they saw me differently. Mama Jean saw me as her angel and Mama saw me as her mistake.
Children add to a woman’s life. Mama seemed to feel I stole something from her coming home as I did. She could not see me as a blessing and I don’t know if she ever will. And I now know that’s not my problem, its hers now. I carried that feeling of being a problem for years with her. I came home to set her straight. But Mama has to accept that all things work together for the good of those who are called. And when god calls we are the ones who must answer.
Mama had stuffed me and my old story clean away from sight, or so she thought. She also thought that God agreed with her choice and from what I have experienced and felt, God did not agree. God brought Mama gift around one more time to give her a good look and a second chance to open her gift and see what God had made from her and what had come of what was made so long ago. I still valued Mama, but she did not value me and yes that hurt like hell.
I don’t know hat Mamas heard the full story of my journey home, she never really asked me about it. God lead me back to her and used people and this and that to do it. It was a miracle that I found my Needle in a hay stack and it taught me about God and his all seeing eyes. I am grateful for this journey of mine. Even if I sounded so angry and spewed and barfed all my pain, it was what I carried for her.
I did not realize that I carried Mamas pain and bad ideas about me at the time, but I would learn. And God would show me how to heal every step of the way. Nine months is such a short time. But a whole lot went on in my nine Months within Mama. And it was a hard time for her back then and filled with pain and fear. Fear and pain would be my teachers. And I their student. My trip home would be my final exam.
I would rise and I have risen. And this story is my testimony of the love of a child for her Mama. And I am stronger for this journey. I am a survivor and now a thriver for such a journey. For Mama can’t hurt me. Nothing truly can hurt me anymore. Love covered it all and grace covers it all. If Mama can’t see that? She is the blind one.