As I wrench and I wail a wound long unattended. I see the reactions of my family. And as I observe their dance steps and how they turn away in dismay, I see how deep this thing goes. My trauma touches everyone in my family. And healing is what I wish to see in us all. Turning away is what the world did to Mama. And she has just kept going on. How much she must have felt dismissed like me.
How hard it must have been every year as my birthday came round and there was no joy in it. She could not share my birth with anyone, let alone celebrate it. How alone she must have felt holding space in her heart for me to find me so mangled and broken after our meeting. How painful I know she must feel that she some how did this to me, and yet I believe she and I are the brave souls that came her to go through this and not stay here.
I see that surely we must have come to report our finding and add them to everyone else’s to amount to a change in consciousness. Mama’s hurt is not in view if we both tell our stories and rid ourselves of the lies. Mama must feel ashamed to not speak of these things, and I get it. It took me years of talking myself into being ok looking for her. I had to coach myself and say it is ok to love her and want her. I had to let go of codependent feelings of obligation to my Adoptive mama to speak my own truth. She saw me as hers and I am my own. And I love both my Mama’s each differently.
Gratitude smaditude, I am done this that rote. I am grateful for God and how God lead me to Mama, even if she turns away again and again, I still see her silhouette, so stunning as she turns away from me, and I gasp, “I see her in me.” It is so amazing a journey to not know yourself fully and to come back to Mama and see her there within you, to hear her within you. It hurts these days when I hear Mama come out of my mouth, talking to the pets, I hear her so clear, crisp, and it cuts me to the quick, it bring me to my knees within. Because Adoptees don’t show what we feel. I only have just begun to express all I held. And Mama can rest for now. She doesn’t need to read my blog, for I will send my fire to the world for her as she rest.
I only show her my flames and warm her cold heart from the storm of our unfolding, unearthing. I will speak my truths, and Mama will see, the blessing in me one day if not today. A child never gives up, even if she says she is. I don’t always play this game like an eloquent sportsman, I am raw and rough. I show my pain as I climb and work, I don’t act like a good sport at a game that is rigged. I show my raw emotion as I climb the wall Adoption place between Mama and me. I lash at the vines as they choke at the walls, Mama get out of the way! Pray I yell! Pray like no other time for your salvation is nigh! God sent me to free you from such a wretched thing as this. Oh, but she’s so used to saying its ok? She really has got her head in this game that a farce… Wake Mama! A new games in town..
But can her heart hear me beyond the walls Adoptions place between me and she? Can her brain grapple what I tell her? Will she make it over the wall? or will the wall crumble like the bible of old story? Will my song sound a gong and will the walls all fall down? Is God still alive? Is God listening at all? Will God do this things? I place my faith in God, and my doubt comes rushing in, I fight off the doubt and pain, and trust in the end. Yes, Victoria I am in a cycle that is like a circle, because I am still connected to Mama and I go around and around her to find my way in, to find the place to cut and to sow up the wounds, she has many and your to used to them to even see.
I don’t give up on Mama. She’s a rock. And she may have many ropes of lies that tie her down now, but Jesus came with healing in his wings and Jesus is in me. And all things done in darkness shall be shown in the light. And Mama need not be ashamed with me working to free her. There is no shame in my game, I love her enough to look crazy to do this for her. So learn a little from baby sister about love and commitment. Learn something about no giving up. Learn about caring for a woman you came from, from a girl she gave away who came back. Learn big sister about a love that never will die.
I may curse, and cry out loud, but I work just the same. I show you my sorrow that you can’t even pray to help me free our Mama to be who she really is, which is MY Mama too. Your reaction has hurt me, and you should be ashamed to call Mamas gift an unwelcome guest in her house. No, the shame has been on you who counsel her so badly. I will not take that shame, you need to own it. There is no shame in my game. And you will eat those words. Or my names not like hers.
I can go round and round and round and round. And I work to free her from all this junk told to her back while I was gone. She needs to see clearly, look at all the glasses on the table. She wants too? She reads and she reads and asks God for directions and what have you told her? Did you pray before speaking? Or have you been casting black magic spells? Does Mama know you do that? I guess she does now.