I just..

I just don’t know. I doubt really. Doubt is all around me. I have loved a woman for so long that sold me out. And I guess I am the sick one to believe in second chances.

But time and time again she fails me. Time and time agains she shows me her back or a door that’s closed. I pray. I war against the mind of a woman who could do this to me and hurt me so deeply. I forgive. And try again and again.

Adoptees I don’t know if we can go home ever. I don’t know if we can go home to our Mamas. They sold us out back In The day. They gave up on us and themselves. And I don’t know that it can be reversed. I believed so hard that it could. But today. I don’t. My Mama accepts my children and not me. And it hurts me to the bone.

And I think I need to just swallow that pill and get on with it. I need to accept that this is the way it is. I don’t want to. I want restoration and grace. I want my family back. And yet. My want is I guess a delusion.

Why give a shit for someone who could do me like this? I guess she is not a part of me. She just a ghost from Christmas past that rattles her chains in my own voice. A monster that torments me day in and day out thinking me a mistake. I hear her voice and it makes me sad. It no longer give me comfort when her voice escapes my lips and I mourn a world like this.

No one gets over their Mamas when they loose them. And I’ve lost mine. And it appears she’s gone forever. Because the woman I longed for is dead and there is no way to bring her back to life. She’s gone. There is no lazarus experience for us.

I want this for us all. I want us all to go home. But I doubt today. After pouring my heart out and warring against her mind, I doubt and give my doubts to god. For god is the only one who can help me now.

My Mamas dead.

I pray for each of you who’s hearts hurt like mine. I pray God will bind your wounds and that you can find comfort for your broken hearts. We deserve better than this. We are worth more than what our Mamas could do. Or can do today. It seems that some woman should not be Mama’s, or should we give birth at all. A kinder thing for me would have been aborted if this is all there is for us who love so much and have gone through life as leaves in the wind, from Mothers who were weak and unfeeling.

Woman who give babies up are sick and mental. Because no Mama in her right mind would do such a thing. It hurtful.

I pray we all find the peace we seek. I care about you more than you know. I’m one of you and I want better for you. Letting go is hard when pain is all you’ve known in this life that started with such a deep loss no one could even see.

But I must let this woman go. Its driving me crazy to try to hold space for a woman like my Mama who’s blind to herself in me. And I don’t want to write about it anymore. Because it hurts so bad to see her like this. After all this time she holds to the old way. So go Mama. I let go. Go. Go back to your party without me. I don’t like shallow people anyway.

I probably will stop writing here for a while, I need a break and some rest from trying so hard for someone so blind and ignorant. It’s just not working My Mama did not love me. She never loved me. And I need to heal from this now. She gone. I accept that today. I must be stronger. I must push on and let her memory go. She’s just a cartoon I made up in my head, she’s dead.

I want to bring change. But alone who can? My kids think I am the only woman like this. They think me mad and irrational. Well go ahead kids. Think what you want. Go on Chelsie. Go. Leave me like my Mama did and treat me like I am dead.

I just can’t take this anymore. And you just live on without me in reverse. I wasn’t a good Mama I guess I need to accept that. I sucked at this game of life. My heart hurt today for us. And despite what folks say, I pray we all find the peace we seek.

I need some peace today. But Mamas to busy and she got things to do. And I am not one of them. I may be irrational and upset. Call me crazy. Crazy it is to love a woman like my Mom. So. I’ll wear that label no more.

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