I came back to my Mama back in 1994. I had just given birth to my third child. I was full of hope for us. And I had so many question, question that have yet to be answered and many that have been very limitedly answered. Its hard to stand on solid ground when you stand on pebbles of rock your Mother threw at you. My Mama is very jammed up inside about me, she struggles to find her words and this leads me to believe and witness her trauma unfold before me.
I love my Mama, and have slammed and picked and hammered at the wall that now is between us. This wall seems unbreakable, and I can only surmise that is because her trauma has logged within her to deeply. She protects my memory within her, she protects herself by staying silent, for her truth is very ugly, according to her. It does not take a psychologist to help me see the pain in my own Mama’s action and lack of actions. It does not give me comfort to know she hurts this much and that I, her daughter am unable to aid this woman I am from.
People wonder why I am do filled with pain. My children wonder what is wrong with me that I can not move on. And yet they do not see the thread, of my own essence that is connected to my Mama, that has sent back, back to her, a nourishment of sorts. My children do not see beyond the anger that seems to be at her, and yet is not. I am angry for a world that did this to us. A world that stained our story in such a way as to make my own Mama pull back from me. I am unearthed that my Mama is oblivious to my nurture of her within me and that the threads of her that I kept in-tacked have sent her loving energy my whole life.
And what really blows me away is that she does not see God grace in me or my gestures to tend her wounds. That she does not even realize that I have tended her wounds my whole life, by telling my story and standing up for her to the death. I imagine I do look mad in a world where most children are kept. Most people don’t even understand what I even express here, let alone get the gravity of remorse and guilt my Mama feels at the realization of what her actions have cost me and she. And the light of this day is bright and blinds her to her own trauma, as she tells all that I wound her and disgrace her with such a show of emotions publicly.
The disgrace was not on my Mother, the disgrace was on this world that did not support her. The disgrace was ignorance left untended and uneducated. She has done her best and it simply was not enough, for I would have grown up and taken her blows, and abuse that she felt she would give me, for she gave it to me still, with the blunt end of a pen as she signed me away from her, to never touch her or show her, the beauty of me.
This full moon is intense. It is in my Mothers sign of Virgo. I have place a link if you would like to read about these affects of the virgo moon on each of us below:
My whole purpose of coming home was to break free, and to break mama free. I did not realize this at the time and yet see it now in that full light of her moon. But the kicker here is she must see this as her freedom come home to illuminate what she went through. Of course it is not easy, and her emotions are mixed with mine and it looks like a weird soup I admit. People think me mad, and I feel mad myself at times like these.
I never was into Astrology or Tarot and all that goes with it. I was actually scared to death of it, the church teaches a strong doctrine that forbids such practices and yet God lead me to them. And I find comfort in my own walk knowing that God has my back even if others are still scared to do so.
Yesterday was a like an emotional wash. And I feel God squeezing me for all I am worth to bring up the venom of my past hurt at the hand of my own flesh and blood. Mama can run and hide if she must. And she can stay ignorant if it helps her cope with her deeds. But I press on, for I have bigger fish to fry. I wanted Mama to fry some fish with me, for her truth is way more powerful than mine. She has the antidote to what ills us. I know she has struggled so hard to hold onto the stations she signed up for in naivety. And time has given her wisdom.
But it is scary to embark on a new journey with one you have wounded. Many times I have felt I wounded her by even being conceived. I have questioned God as to why I had to come here like this, it was so cruel to go on without her. Why God must I do this without Mama? Why do I feel like this so deeply? Where is all this traumatic emotion coming from and why am I barfing all over everyone around me? And why do they ignore me? Dismiss me? Despise me so?
I don’t know today, but I pray soon I will. I want answers to all that is questioned within me, all that is unknown about me. I wish Mama could tell a story, but she can’t. The cat seems to have eaten her tongue about me. I just don’t want her to regret anymore. And the decision to push me away? I feel it will be a regret some day, when she finally sees beyond her own emotions all the love I truly do have for her.
Yesterday was rough. And my emotions came flying out. And I forgive myself even if Mama won’t. Or sisters don’t, or children don’t get it. What I do is for them as well. And right now, they can not see what I work for and soon it will be seen. I hate this part of being a forerunner. I hate the part where people think your crazy, then time passes and they see what you were telling them and feel ashamed and embarrassed that they did not see.
Being who I am is not easy. For Adoption has had its gift, but I paid a price for it. I have eyes that see beyond time and space, I have emotions that can see beyond a mask. I cut to the quick and slice at the wound before anyone can stop me. And folks wince and curse at me first, and as time goes on, they love me more and respect me for loving them enough to risk doing what I do.
I know today, that I am one of the Adoptees that pierce the veil of secrecy. Like a midnight rider I come and slice away the old mindset, to show the ignorance of yesterday, so we can rewrite our tomorrow. Better days are to come, but we the Adoptees must use our truths to cut away at the blanket that veils us from plain view. WE all look great in our pink and our blue, and we all have paraded around like circus clowns for our new parents, and the world wants us to be ok. But they don’t even get how its not ok, and that reform is needed. A new mindset must be written, by us, but first we must dismantle this bullshit. And we must tag each piece and then write it anew, better.
It is my hope, that all this gruesome emotional garbage that I write here, as I stand emotional vulnerable and naked, will show you and that you will see a warrior, for you. I am choosing to be a champion for us, and we all can band together with our stories and wipe this out. Once and for all, we, the children of this great experiment can right this wrong with our swords of truth.
A psalm. A song. For the dedication of the temple.b Of David.
1I will exalt you, Lord,
for you lifted me out of the depths
and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
2Lord my God, I called to you for help,
and you healed me.
3You, Lord, brought me up from the realm of the dead;
you spared me from going down to the pit.
4Sing the praises of the Lord, you his faithful people;
praise his holy name.
5For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may stay for the night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.
6When I felt secure, I said,
“I will never be shaken.”
7Lord, when you favored me,
you made my royal mountainc stand firm;
but when you hid your face,
I was dismayed.
8To you, Lord, I called;
to the Lord I cried for mercy:
9“What is gained if I am silenced,
if I go down to the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
Will it proclaim your faithfulness?
10Hear, Lord, and be merciful to me;
Lord, be my help.”
11You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
12that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent.
Lord my God, I will praise you forever.
I may seem bipolar, but who cares. I am real and raw and my feelings matter. People don’t realize with what force we push against to even speak what we have felt being who we are. This life has made us have to look each day for the silver lining in a life without our families and precious Mama’s that have been lied too for the sake of a moral dilemma made up by man.
God bless us all as we thrust our knives of truth at a solution that is not solution and has made more of a mess than it has claimed to clean up.
God help them who know not what they do…
1.able to accept or tolerate delays, problems, or suffering without becoming annoyed or anxious.“be patient, your time will come”