Family, This is what I want. Chelsie, Mama, Liz, Phyllis, and Victoria……..Mama Jean, Angela, David, recognize. Ive been typing, who’s reading? You think I am crazy? Well, say hello to my friends, who know what I type about it true. They come here too and read and gain strength. We, the nation of Adoptees want respect. And Mama needs respect too, for going through this for me.
Yep, I am pointing this smoking gun at you, but I am not shooting you, like you shoot me. I articulate, and you are tongue tied. Chelsie, you leave and don’t explain? What? You block like my Mama and expect me to be ok about it? Get real girl, get real. You know exactly what was coming after that sucker punch. And you don’t even have the decency to articulate. What in the hell do you think I was teaching you growing up? Respect.
This is a very bold move, writing here. Have you asked yourself why? Why am I doing this? Why am I writing such things? Why? Well, let me tell you why. Its time for respect. I can not respect a lie. I don’t want to live a lie. I don’t want to be a lie. I am done with that. Being a secret, a ghost, a dead daughter is not who I am.
You want respect? Well, then start giving me some respect. And maybe make some damn tea and invite me over so we can work things out like civilized folk! I made you tea and cookies and whatever each day after school. I have don’t the respecting of who you are to me. I worked hard as your Mama, to do the best with what My Mama’s gave me to work with. And for me, there were a lot of things hidden and missing. I worked with what I got and work to gain more each day.
You want respect? Well, give it. To me. Like girl, your being just like GRama? Dont you even see that? Hiding, blocking, what the hell? Seriously, have you forgotten all I taught you? Come at me with that truth your holding girl? This is your final, and your flunking real bad right now. Grama says in one breath that your doing fine, and then I find out your car is broken? I hope you got it fix and the money I gave you helped? I don’t know what my Mama does, but I learned another way. I want to help you. And have plunked down cash to do so. Cash is my representation of respect, that what was given to me from Nana. She has placed her value in a dollar sign, but you know I am much more than that. Nana gave me her time, even though it was it was not enough, because I wanted my own Mama to value me. I value you. Yes, I do.
No, I do not like arguing with you here! But you can’t seem to find your respect for me and come clean either. The whole of the family in Oregon has gone rogue. Seriously, people. Family conflicts come, is this how you handle them? Girl, you know better than this. I always talked it out with you, now, open you mouth and cough it up. I am done driving all the way up there to be treated like a lunatic. I am your Mama.
I came to you. Now, stop hiding from me. You know it really doesn’t work. I have found you each time. But I am not going to do that anymore, you are a grown woman now. Act like one. You did better when you were a child than you do now. And don’t tell me your a christian now. Just don’t. You see me working to clear my own Mama’s mind of conflicting beliefs so that she and I can have the life we deserve after all we have been through! And you know what I have been through.
Are you truly enjoying life without me? Are you trying to be like my Mama and save face and just act happy even though your estranged from your own Mama? I am your champion. And a champion can only be as good as the one she champions for if they are honest and tell them what they truly need. Leaving got my attention, true. But its up to you to use your words and tell me why.
Do you want me to chase you? That did not work because I did. And now I am done. It rips my heart out to be like this with you of all people. Born a surprise and kept. Not a mistake and left, you have much value to me. Is it so hard to look at a wounded woman and see her strength? Wake up.
Respect me and you respect yourself. You don’t need to respect my mind, change it with your words, do warfare and help me see. I love you true. I have waited for you to return and tell me. Come Alone and not with a posey of Mama haters that don’t get it at all. The enemy is those who speak against me to you. I am not your enemy. I am your champion. And remember, you came here to be my girl. Beyond this story is the story of two souls that came to be together and do this.
I came to change Adoption, you too by proxy of being the child from an Adopted child. Your struggle has weight and you can help me make this world a better place, but we must tell our stories. I know its hard for you. And you just want some peace, but you will find no peace without being right with your root system. It was hard for me, and I know you care deeply or you would not react like you do. How long will you go on without me? I see the pattern repeat and repeat, and we can stop it dead in its tracks united and not allow separation to continue in our family tree.
I will not deny my pain. I will not lie to save face. I will not keep up the status quo for anyone. Pain is real and pain is a teacher. Being separated from my own Mama has been painful, because its not the true way. God always has a plan when child come to call and grows within you. I got that when you came to me. And I apologize if anything I said hurt you, it was only what I was a told. You are valued greatly to me. My life is just blah without you. You are a part of me, and I love you deeply. Let us work to understand each other.
You are ready to stand up to me. And I am ready to take it and ground it. Give me your shit and watch me nourish a garden with it. You can’t break me, I was already broken long ago. And I stand in the world wide street victoriously well. Look, I write, but am I broken? No. I have God, and God makes me whole enough to tell my story to change the way people see Adopted children. WE are humans connected to our Mama’s and to send us away and call us mistakes? Well, it hurt Mama and me.
My Mama is a proud woman, and that has gotten her this far. But she should not have to hide her wound from me. Because I am the antidote for what ills her. Did you buy that load of crap? She’s not ok. Look at her actions towards me? She’s not ok if she thinks me the enemy? I came from her? And I came back to her. It is imperative that my own Mama see me as a blessing as I do you. It is time to mend whatever is between us and show my Mama how its done. I taught you, now practice!