Dear Mama.

Mama. I feel you. Don’t tell me I don’t even. Because I am serious. I do. I think your wrong Bout Barbara Marie sharing your brain. I think we do. Seriously. I feel the wheels rolling in my brain and I think it’s linked to you. That’s what I am trying to say.

Codependency happens during trauma. Family’s come together to survive. But to thrive we have to set up boundaries again and become inner dependent. And stand on our own and yet still connected. I feel Phil’s passing has dropped you to your knees. And I feel that he comes to me at times and gets me to send you songs to help you remember the good times. I feel him strongly. I remember his spirit. His strong vibration. He carried many things with you Mama. And one of them was me.

That’s why I’m doing all this. And I know. You did not want your shit on the front lawn. But it’s the only way to silence the haters. Of us. Of being together for real. Phill would support this. I know it. Because now, in his new form, his spirit can see. And he’s hanging around until we are right. I know you talk to him. And cry and wish his Big arms could Hold you through our storm.

But remember Mama. Every storm has a purpose. And each gust blows and away the old and makes up loose grip. The rain comes and refreshes us. And the sun comes out to warm us again. Don’t give up hope. I am not wavering. Just weaving and cutting the fretted edges of an old rug. Cutting back to the core. To the heart to weave something most beautiful and unique. Like you Mama. I love you.

Take heart. There is a method to this madness. But you’ve got to me pliable and workable. And me too. And God messaging this wound of ours and I’m crying uncle because you can’t. Ok. I’m doing this for us. I am Clearing out slate. Once and for all in all directions of time. You and me babe. Forever connects are we.

It’s like mental surgery. My words cut and the lies fall away. My words cauterize the wound so t may heal for good. So you can love me like I know you do. My truth went there with you. I’m right here. In your mind. In the mess the world made of us in you and me. In our special room in your mind. And I’ve brought some heavy powered guns. And god’s loaded them with power to heal.

I apologize the girls can’t see this. But I do. I see you in that cage you build. And I’m here with the keys. The doors open wide. Step out. Take my hand. Let it burn down. Close the door. We can clean it up later. Come with me. I’ve got a room in me that just like you like it.

Soft pillows. And a wRm hearth. Soups cooking over the fire. And there are cooks books to read. In the corner a radio plays with your favorite scriptures and bible teachers speaking of Gods love. And you feel at home. Your accepted completely here. In my special room for you. The lock is a good one. And no one gets in but you. Not even Mama Jean can enter. She has her own special room too.

Let’s sit. I’ve baked your favorite cookies. And waters boiling. Three cups are ready to fill. And Jesus has come to join us. As we sip by the fire and feel god’s love all around. In my safe special room for you. We Adoptees all have such a room. Where eve saved all our treasures from 9 months with our Mamas. Each treasure is warn from holding and crying over. And so filled with love.

Come take my hand and let me co dirt you at long last with the love I save only for you. Let’s say good by to that old. Tomorrow. We can go back to that burnt down room and repaint it. I’ll help you make curtains and remove the debris. I came back to set you straight. No revenge here. You’re hard enough on yourself and I’m taking the bat away Mama.

It’s a twisted road. I get that. And that’s why I believe we came her to do this. Like attracts like. And I’m your girl. Your super start. I know you. And all this shits not you Mama. Let it go tell everyone to shit up. And jump from this burning room with me. Let me nurse back to health. Don’t give me that ego shit.

I know your strong. But it’s time you let me show you.

What I’ve got. And what I’m made of. We don’t like messes Mama. No. We don’t. And this ones a big one. And Many hurt like us and don’t get where we are. I came to set you free. And Jesus helped me by letting me realize. I have always been inside you. Wanting to be seen and appreciated. Damn anyone that says different.

Come. Let me

Show you.

Who you really are beyond this.

The suns peeking out of the clouds.

And the winds dying down.

Sit with me and sip and nourish yourself.

Tell that part of your brain to please sit down that is fearful. Your baby’s home now.

And she got your back after long last.

No one can hurt you again.

The scare is healing.

And I’m your shield now.

Come with me.

Mama.

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