Like how?

What I consider is how can my Mama and I go on with all our past holding on and choking out what is to be? That is why I came out about it all. I did this to show Mama all that was poured into me and poured it all out here in front of everyone as a way to show her how serious I am about her and I.

To truly care about someone is to be completely honest with how you saw them and eventually how you want to see them. You can’t see someone differently if you hold onto an old idea of who they are. That is what I am doing here. I am chasing it all away by speaking up and exposing myself. I don’t want to think like I have?

My question and my answer is that stuffing all my feelings in a room with a stranger helps no one. My Mama did not hide her truth from me when I was relinquished. I had to face the truth that my Mama did not want to raise me. But that’s the old. And I faced it my whole life. I only wish for some respect in the form of telling me why? From her lips.

Like I know how it felt. But my mind would appreciate an explanation. And to be able to even hear that explanation I needed to get my own shit out of the way. How can I let anything new in with all that shit stuffed within me screaming to get out. So. I let it out at a huge risk and in faith that Mama would figure it out. I am banking on that brain of hers to recalculate her stand with me.

I mean of course Mama did the most loving thing at the time. But the new question is what is the right thing now? Is blocking me truly the right action for today? or is it an extension of the old actions? Second chances take work. This is me extending a second chance to her. And that is a huge gesture on my part. If you have been reading my blog, I feel it is clear.

Birthing a new relationship means an old relationship has to die. It’s got to more painful to be the same to push us onto a new thing. God puts throbs In The nest so we learn to use our spiritual wings and fly. And the exciting thing is grace covers it all. By the response of Mama, it’s has not looked like grace covered me. And it should. How can Mama know I forgave her if she does not know what I overcame to do that?

I’m excited about what God is doing. And I don’t go back and read my posts. Because I don’t want to go back. But what I’ve seen is that Mama and I were tied to each other by our old energy. And what I’ve learned by going to counselors and not feeling helped is that it needs to be done with the one you have an issue with. A stranger can coach you, but it so you can do it yourself. Counselor teach us how to work it out and find the words to speak to the one who has upset us, or visa versa.

These days people just suck it up and move on. People. Snot needs to be blown out not sucked up. Mama and I can’t paint over what was. But we can expose it and lovingly clean it up and then move on with clear consciences to build a new thing. And there is so much we can do beyond our tower moment.

I am hopeful and excited to see what God does for us. If this can happen for me, it can happen for us all. All good things take work.

The Hearth…. the relationship we have with our estranged Mama’s and how it affects us

What is a hearth? The term hearth is an old term for the fire place. And back in the day the fire place was the heart of a home, hence the name hearth. When the hearth is lit, the whole house is warm. When the heart is on fire all around that heart are warmed by its glow. Our Mama’s are our hearth, even if our Mama’s are removed from our lives, her light still burns and warms us. If our Mama’s hearts go cold, after coming home for me, everyone suffers from her lack of passion, and fire for life. My Mama is the hearth of our family.

As an Adoptee, as a child that was removed from the hearth that I came from and her warmth, I know what it means to be cut off from your Mama’s warmth. But what I have learned coming home is that, my Mama sent me her warmth in her prayers. Like warm notes from my hearth to keep me going. And for my Mama its just her way, with me.

As I have met my hearth anew , I know it is her way. My Mama cares deeply of me and has prayed for me to grow up and be as successful as an Adoptee can. She sent me to this church camp of sorts and although her flesh would have probably done better if I dead, her hearth wants me to live. I know this deep within. My Mothers flesh may be strong willed, but her hearth is warm and inviting. That is our two edged sword.

Like after all these years we are different, she and I. And people may call me delusional for seeing the good in my own Mama who gave me away, but that is precisely what Adoptees do. The world says its not good, and says it is good, its polar. But the word says that love covers a multitude of sins. And you have read all the sins here that my love covered. You don’t know how far you have come unless you account for all the hurdles you jumped to get where you are. I jumped a lot. Mama just did not realize that she had sent me to jump them, or realize that they where there.

Well, it is my problem. And I wanted her to know, how far it had to come to come back to her. I want her to know how hard the climb was to come home. Because only love could have fueled that climb, not hate. I hate that I had to climb? Sure. But we all kind of hate exercise at times, but its good for our soul and our bodies. To look at your Mama and see, the fear and disconcerted looks, was eye opening, and showed me that my truth it a mark in her as well.

That is kind of why I blog. I blog my journey home to show you, that Mama’s have issue that the family can’t see. That they got used to it and so its just how it is. And I see how it could be. I feel like Adoptees come into the world with a broken foundation. And we are not really told, or able to talk about the foundation we came from growing up. And for me it mattered where I came from to help me get to where I truly want to be. I would like a better relationship with my Mother unit. Now, what that relationship will look like? Is up to she and I.

My Mama is a good person. Fact. She is just a bit turned on her ear these days because she did not see this coming, and frankly, neither did I. But I have been studying her responses and working on the content that she needed to get me, and hoping that my truth could open her up to tell hers to me. I mean if I can blab all my stuff here in front of God and everyone, surely she could do the same by telling me the tale to shut me up.

To be denied such an important person in the life of a child is huge. To be denied access to your Hearth is a big blind spot for An Adoptee. It affect us on every level, especially in regards to self image. I grew up without her to bounce off of, and it affected me. When I got to her, I was unrecognizable. She struggled to see herself in me, and what she did see, she did not like. And for me that was sad. But I don’t want to stay that way and work daily to rewrite our story so it can have a happy ending.

What will be our happy ending? What will be our new beginning? Will it get off the ground or be buried again? That is the choice that she and I have to make. Can we overcome what was and build a new life? Can we let go of shoulda woulda coulda? Well, I pray so with all my heart. I am pulling for Mama to get over it all. I pray she can let it all go and stop chewing the bone between us.

The visualization was for me. I showed you how I visualize Mama and me working this out. Its like therapy. Its therapy that I never found, and the I feel God is helping me design specially for she and I to heal this rift. I hold my ground and call her higher. Yesterday is gone. But to begin a new, means to let that all go, forgive and start again. It does not mean chewing on yesterdays junk and stewing all day about it. I means my sisters must do the same to support Mama in this. It means that the family must see that to have a better relationship with me means they also get better relationships.

My hearth, my Mama is the warmth I came from beyond the trauma. I know who I am, and who’s I am. And I know that grace covers it all. Mama just did not see what I have told her here. And she is a very private person. But this is a public issue, and I am calling her out to report her finding, so folks can see and learn about Adoption and what it does to everyone. My sisters were affected by my removal, and they are protective of Mama. I think that is great. I do. But I am no enemy to them, only to the old way. I bring a new way. And I trust that my Mama IS strong enough to jump the hurdle to hang onto the past and move forward.

If I can do it, so can she. That is the point. Look at all this I have written? If I can overcome it all, then so can she. Maybe that is the lesson  God is teaching us both.

Love knows what it covers, and it covers it still no matter how ugly or hurtful. As Christ has covered us in his blood, we do the same.


Adoption On- coming out of the fog.

This website is a great resource for those coming out of the fog about adoption. When we realize that we are still our Mamas and Daddys Children is a rough touch down. Especially if our Mamas are resistant and still stuck in our birth energy.

Waking up to your child coming home when your Mama did not plan to ever see you again is a rough road. But, breath. The trauma is over it’s just a haunting vibration hitting.

Your head spins this way and that. And the natural pull home kind of takes over. It’s like the body just wants its Mama back and the brain is like? What?

Follow this link below and find resources to cope with all the intense emotions that bubble up when your body has had enough of trying to maintain a life and a box you have put grown.

Be encourage. And know. You are not alone in your waking up from the fog. I am here praying for us all. I am here telling you and showing you my journey home to myself beyond what my Mama thought.

Be brave and be real. Crying is brave. It’s harder to hold it in. And it’s time me all let it all hang out. It’s time to heal.

God bless you on your journey and remember. I’m lifting ya all up in prayer and meditation.

This shits rough! Xo

Well? Something happened yesterday?

Well? Something happened yesterday. I spent the day in prayer and blogged what came up. The day was quite profound and I felt a release.

I became quite sick last night and threw up. It was like some kind of purge of toxic energy. I’ve thrown up before, but this was quite different. I felt like I was in a trance and I got cold and clammy. My head felt heavy and my breathing was fast and short. And my ears were ringing. It felt like energy was coming into my body threw the top of my head and was forcing old toxic energy out of me.

I turned white and my daughter asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital. We did not. I just Road it out threw up my guts and wrenched like a true bitch. And I prayed. I called on god and the angels to help me not only throw up the food but also the energy of my old past.

It’s felt like my stomach was releasing the crackin from within. And I was so ready to say goodbye to that demon that haunted me my whole life. I just kept saying, ” I receive”. I said it over and over. I felt a release after the last upchuck. Goodbye. My daughter was so helpful and brought me water and a cold compress.

Funny thing was she was telling me about her purge right before I felt sick. Good thing too. Because I knew exactly what was happening. My body was letting it go, in fact it was expelling it and all connections to it. After yesterday’s blog post and all. I knew something had been broken loose. Praise God.

I slept like a baby and when I woke was surrounded by my loving animals who surrounded me on the bed. In the garage. Sometimes you have to connect to your Papas energy to help you fix it. Thanks Papa. The garage was his and I love that man.

When I woke today? Oh I felt it. Nothing. Good. And a new day. Somethings changed for me. For sure. And I pray for Mama too. Yesterday was important I feel for progress. I just barfed it all up on this page and let it go and let it rip.

What I am learning about birth energies like we Adoptees comes into is that to disperse is you must go there to disrupt an old pattern. I swallowed a lot of things as you have read. And now. They can hold me. I’m not all that. That’s just what was in my mind. Like demons trapped in a cell, I set them free.

I now have a whole new perspective of what a demon is. And a new hope for us all to release our own inner crackin. My prayer is the my crazy process can give you the strength to let yours out too and move on to be who you really are without the label, Adopted. We are our Mama Children always. May we all walk in that light, and embrace the unique people we have become because of it. And May our Mamas heal and see that they are not those woman anymore. May we all obtain a new day without families. And may God help us get there.

To our promised land.

God bless.

Do you wish?

Do you wish to tear me apart? Do you? Wish to hold me where I can no longer be? Will you not allow me to be free of our old way? Will you not embrace who I am? Am I Not good enough for you Mama’s to see you’re tearing me apart and need to each come towards me and embrace. I am unable to let go of either of you? Do you not see I am connected to you both? Why do you try to make me chose?

Are we not evolved enough to be able recognize our family has been different for a while? And that Mama Jean is a member? You both are tearing me apart. And Mama Jeans sad because I can’t seem to get through to you and I don’t seem to get your hint? Wake up! I am speaking now! I have earned the right to speak! And the respect for you both to listen!

I could have run away and just disappeared somewhere? I could be living on the streets. I could be a prostitute. But I am not. I’m just me. Trying to talk to you two know it all. Things have changed around here if you haven’t notice? And I feel like we woman can do better and be better examples of the Adoption directional model. Would please join me in leading us into the future? Please.

Is that just to much to ask? Is that just to much? To ask? Have I not been good enough for you? Must I die playing the game only your two woman’s way? And you not even the same? So two games at once? That’s a lot of energy out put to keep it up like this.

this post came right before I cut the cord. I held space long enough. I don’t know if anyone else feels like this? But I have felt so boxed in being in the Adoption boxes with my Mamas and family. I’m not a box person and am so much more than what others think I am. And I realize that my family has a way different view of me, one I do not align with any longer.

I never really was in a box. I am way more than Adopted. And Adoption did not change anything except my name and geography and story. But I did not Change who I am Inside. And if my Mama and family can’t see that? I just can’t take anymore time to

Help them adjust. I got to live man.

What kind of daughter am I if my own Mama does not bless the woman who raised me?

What kind of daughter am I if my own Mama does not bless the woman who raised me?

Like surely you see that? I mean what kind of daughter to you both? What kind of daughter would not hold space for the Mama she came from? Really? Would if you died and were not going to give me away? Should I have just forgotten you? What honor is in that? Hmm? Let’s talk turkey. Its is not right.

This may be raw, but what kind of woman signs away her child and then when the child returns, does not see the blessing and bless the one who raise her?

What kind of daughter do you wish me to be? One who forgets where she came from and damns it to hell to never be remembered? NO. I would be damning myself, surely you can see that? I honor you both and work to talk sense into you both.

Like the jig is up. And Adoption is what we called it. But Mama Jean has been grafted into our family as the words says, We all are  grafted into Gods family. By example shown to us by God we must bring honor to her. Forgive me for mentally slapping you around, but your mind was so stuck. You did not seem to realize what has been offered to you? And what you need to offer? And receive? Both of you.  This woman is wild and classy and fun, she taught me, and I think I am pretty good. With the body your body made for me and the minds of you and Dad? And Mama Jean being used by God to preen me. And the love I have for her?

You won’t let me fail in this task? What will it say of me? And what does it say about the family I came from? That I could not talk sense into them to do the right thing and get over the past so we can unite and spend time getting to know one another? IS this family to good for her? Is Mama Jean not good enough? Like who is she? Seriously, I hope not.

Do you know when anyone will be called home, truly? Shall we not take this grand opportunity to let our light so shine? Like Christ died for us all. You are the Queen of the realm I came from, and Mama Jean is the Queen of where I went too and both of you have ruled over me. I want to have honor for you both. And a gesture on your part is needed. Surely your friends have found my site? Can they not help you do this? Are the girls so backward? Do they not see?

And as we do this, all is forgiven and it becomes a story we tell for years to come. Of our reuniting and the accepting of our Old Member into our ranks, worthy of honor by our Clan. And our Queen, to my other Queen.

That is why Victoria needs to get the lead out. It is time for us all to celebrate and stop licking wounds. And the other two sisters, please assist. Why must I have to come home and direct all of you in proper protocol?




  • 1.the official procedure or system of rules governing affairs of state or diplomatic occasions: protocol forbids the prince from making any public statement in his defense”

As the First Adoptee to propose a unity such as this by both of my jointly governing Mothers. I an Adoptee call protocol for all reunions to follow this model and or adjust this model as needed.

Mothers should meet and go through the proper steps to provide this needed unity for the good of the child who has been adopted and has come home.

I personally recommend that all Adoptees upon having the mindset to pursue their parents and the same for the parents. I feel that with the proper mindset of an adjust meant period. I feel work shops for all parties involved, designed around reunion success is sorely needed. I feel that as grown Adoptees, that our wishes must be now at the forefront of the mind of all involved in some way with Adoptions, which by our numbers, Adoptions touches everyone. I feel that Adoptees must be respected for their right to want to know. It is a must for our civil rights as well has the humane right to contact to our heritages.

I feel that the foster care system need to recognize that it is always in the best interest of the children to keep them with their families. The success of a family is dependent on the success of the children of tomorrow. It is imperative that this movement succeed in the task at hand, which is the GREAT COMING HOME.


Is that to much to ask after 55 years? Is my price just to high? Are we only capable of languishing, and lazily just staying the same? Have not your children lived long enough without you? And have you not punished yourselves enough? Are we saying that we can not mend this enormous tear in the fabric God is trying to weave. Have we all gone mad?

When will, enough be enough?