I’m just tired of saving face and sucking it up. For Adoption sake.

I’m done playing nice girl. I’m gonna play authentic girl. And my authentic self says this is bullshit when a girls gotta pay a price this high so two woman can have what they want while I go without mine.

Yes. I thought my Mama would be more like me in the sense of giving a shit about me. Yes. I was wrong. Way wrong. I am now fully angered by the depth of delusions they both hold onto about me. Seems they are in their own little worlds while I must deal with the world they limit me with.

Pour Mama Jean my ass. Pour Mama my ass too. They were grown woman when they decided my fate. Grown! Woman! Excuse me for not playing nice. And bowing all day at their lovely decision. I paid a high price for their wants and needs. Excuse me for wanting to rewrite this two sided triad to show a triangle instead of two lines.

Hello!! Remember me? The child? Who now is a woman that’s fed up. Fed up!! I’ve poured everything out on the table. All these two woman gave me is out. And all they can do is feel sorry? Sorry? Or pity? Seriously.

I would like balance. And they just want what they want and don’t care about me. Because as I see it if they did care about me? They would do something about it. But no. They both sit I. Their towers and look down on me and tell me I am mean and angry.

Well. Angers get attention. If that is what it takes to snap them to attention, well? So be it. So be it. I am angered by ignorance. I am angered by the extent to which woman go to have what they want. It angers me that woman spread their legs and then don’t want what’s made from that act. I’m angered that society only likes woman who spread their legs with a certificate to do so.

Go on! Hate me! Because your plan sucked from the get go!! We all could do better as I see it. But no. No. Everyone’s just happy like it is. Well I am not. And if I have to fight to get attention well ok.

I give a shit enough to say when I am no longer comfortable with this arrangement. I am woman enough to tell the truth. And to be heard even when it’s not what people want to hear. Because it need to change! Now. This is what a woman at the end of her rope looks like. And these woman will loose if they don’t get with it.

God sees me. And knows what I have been through. I see what people go through too. And it’s all part of our past that was a dead end. We can’t go back.

WHAT ABOUT TODAY? Hello! Today. What about today? When? Will my Mamas got a grip and do something for me for once? It’s clear to see they did for themselves. When will it be my turn?

When? Will we do what we read in scripture and do the right thing? It is sin to know the right thing and not do it. Sin. A missed mark. Again and again. When? I am no longer my Mamas past but her future. Children are the future. When?

You want me to play nice? Well follow the rules you read all day and practice!! WTH it takes a lot to get me this angry. A Lot!! 55 years to be exact! And your gonna try to squash me with blocking and silence??

Everyone’s says, Ask for help when you need it and help will come. Bullshit! Not for Adoptees. Not for me? Look at this blog? All day I write my heart so broken and wanting my Mama? Bullshit. It’s bullshit. I want and need Mama now more than ever. And THAT IS NOT A BAD THING! It’s a good thing.

If folks could just get out of the way and let me be who I truly am. And allow me to have a relationship with my Mama,m? Well, then maybe I could settle down. It’s not like I’ve been silent my whole life. My life screams I need my Mama. Doctors say you need your Mama. And yet my Mama no where to be found?

She hits the snooze button all day. And my family is no help. None. Not even Chelsie Lynn. Sad to say. But true. I had high hope she would be my champion. But no. She wants to be like gramma. Great! Just great. The delusions continue.

The whole world lies to Mama and she calls me a fake? Oh right. I am the fake? I come on here and spill my guts and my sisters turn away. Your damn lucky it’s not you! Damn lucky. You think you know Mama so well. What about this part of Mama? Oh. You don’t like this part of Mama? To bad. Wake up and smell the coffee.

And we could go on after being honest? But no. People just sit here I. The mess thinking it’s my mess? Oh. Yeah. Good one. Way to go team family. Maybe I was sent back to wake you all up to practice what you all seem to be preaching? I don’t back down. So good luck with that blocking and all.

People loose loved ones all the time. And because they aren’t adopted they can mourn. While I wait and wait, and finally can’t hold my grief in anymore, and you turn your back on me? Is this how you wish to be treated I. Your hour of need? My hour of need was at two days old. But I could not speak! My cries were not heard as a cry for Mama?

I was sick with grief and all they did was Medicare me and cut things out of me. So sad. I was mourning right under a party that celebrates my Mama abandoning me! Way to go peps! Way to go.

Yes. This is an angry post. And I am honest enough to tell it. Because I am fed up with this bullshit show. A new show needs to be written and everyone’s quoting yesterday! I’m blogging because no one has stepped up or opened up.

It’s like cleaning your room. You don’t get to have nice Mama until you do your chores. And this mess is ours. Not mine. I’m just the one person to point it out and call for change. Mental illness is deep in adoptions triangle. Because sane folks would have done something besides block!

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