Blah blah blah

I can blah blah blah all day long

And still, where is Mama?

Is she combing her hair?

Or shopping I guess?

Maybe she’s getting a massage? Oh fun

Or is she a zombie?

Just going through the motions

From the days gone by

Oblivious to her daughter?

What’s it take?

To get her majestically attention?

What should I do to be worthy enough?

Pray. Get tired of no results. Tantrums. Cry. Write words of Hope. Be understanding. Pray.

Well? I guess my Mamas dead and a demons taken over? Because I know. My Mama would not act like she acts now if she really was alive.

She would get in her car or on her phone and do something about it. She would write a letter of love and not pity. She would help bridge this gap. She would do and be who I remembered.

I hate Adoption for this. That I finally get home and Mamas dead and still walking. That she’s brainwashed and doesn’t even know herself in me any longer.

I hate that we pay our dues and pay for Mama mistakes by living without her and she can’t even appreciate that. I don’t feel appreciated either Mama? What’s to appreciate about this mess Adoption made? Nothing but rubbish.

I feel like Ive digging and ripping out weeds! And still more are there, more weeds between us. Is there nothing? A woman can do to get through Fort Knox of an idea that’s killed my own Mother and let her live on? Ugh.

My family sucks. Christians my ass. I knocked and knocked. Don’t you even get the metaphor? Everyone’s Jesus! Open the door and let Jesus in? That includes me. Like I just don’t get it. I treat people like Jesus. I let Mama in? She is still in me? And I love her and yet am angry at her actions.

Why am I so invisible to her? Why does she over look me? Is she now one of those mean girls? Like on the help when Celia took a pie to give to Johnny’s ex Hilly and she made everyone at the party duck down so she would go away? So rude and childish. And I hate it when folks act like that and aren’t adults and just answer the door?

I was an adult for so many years growing up. And I did my duty as an adopted child, I worked hard to be good, and wondered why I felt bad and needed to do so much to just be. I always felt like I had to earn my way. I felt like Mama gave me a bad rep by just signing me over and not meeting the woman who would raise me? These people I grew up with did not respect her gift and felt she was trash for doing me like that.

They did not know how hard it was for Mama to do what she did. And she was twisted up back then. Seems like she still is and not even I can untie this knot.

Lord. Please hear my cry. And wake my Mama up please. I ask that you please give her back to me and me to her. I’m tired of feeling ashamed for loving her so much. I am grieved by a world so Callous that they can’t even feel my words. I am grieved by a family so comfortable that they can’t let me in, truly. Like welcome me. And embrace me? I don’t feel I would even be like this had I had some sisters who get it. Sisters who get how close they were to a knife like this! You think I might be nice without Mama? Think again.

This. Is what you’d look like without that woman. A hot mess. Dont kid yourselves.

You wouldn’t do any better than me. And you probably would die the first week without her at two days old. If not for god, I would have. It hurt like hell. Especially with no words to tell a

Soul still now.

Ugh. This is real adoption feelings from me. You kid yourselves to think I make this shit

Up? Who in the hell would want to make this up? Seriously. NO ONE!!

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