We don’t have to like what happened. Mama and me don’t have like the results. And that the point of telling the truth, we can change the future. Now that we know the dead end, we can turn around and go another way. I imagine she feels a bit herded these days. And I really wish leading her was easier. But Mama got stuck, thinking I was just a ghost. And I’m not a ghost.
I’m alive and well and missin her.
Neither of us have to just settle for the old story line, because we can change it. I surely want too. And I imagine she would really like that too. My feeling is that Mama needs encouragement. My sisters could choose to encourage Mama. Or Mama could see that if I want her even after all this? They will too.
Mama should have her fairytale ending. And her new real life begin as a whole woman who’s got all her chicks under her wing. At last.
And no ones out in the cold. It even Mama Jean. I’m not like that. Being Adopted showed me what being excluded feels like. And I would not want to do that to anyone. It’s a hopeless place to come back from and sending anyone there would mean I learned nothing from this life lesson Mama made me learn.
Mama and I’ve struggled for all this reunited years to see past the past. But facing the past is the only way to rid anyone of this sting and hurt. Facing the truth Mama and I faced in darkness is the light at the end of our tunnel.
Mama can keep walking. That’s true. But why? Why would she want to walk away from herself? Why would she keep seeing her actions back in the day as good when she now knows what they caused. She was lied too. So she could not see what was ahead for me except what was told to her. That’s the thing I tell my truth to dispel.
I write and pray for the lies to take their shit and go. I write so Mama can see through the smoke of what she thought was, to see what is. I write to turn the tide within her towards herself. I write to show her value to me.
She and I don’t like what the result were. She held onto a dream that was a lie. She did not see it. But now she can. And I am putting my money on her doing what’s really in her heart. Not her head. This time.