I recently separated from the man I am married to. And our whole relationship was pretty full of drama. Basically, his family. And I took it for a while. Like to the tune of 9 years, until I just snapped and let them all have it.
And the whole thing, as I reflect and look at what was? It was karma. A past debt being paid. The weird thing is he is a Sagittarius. I didn’t really consider the link to that until this past years. I’ve been looking at a lot. I’ve been speaking up a lot. I’ve been telling My Mama a lot. One thing I know, he is the same sign as my Dad. Hmmm? What’s God doing?
Ive felt like maybe, God let me see why Mama did what she did with me. I’ve been feeling like I have been learning about my Dad. And I also feel like I am setting it straight. I feel like I am seeing with new eyes, the road Mama walked down. Believe me, it’s not fun telling your Mama your truth about what Adoption means to the child. I have not wanted to hurt her further. And I really have not done that.
What I feel has been going on is Mamas getting some fresh water, fresh truth, fresh love to help her see the big picture. And for Mamas wound to heal. I know Mamas hurt as hell. And as her child, I don’t give a shit who raised me, my loyalty is strong to that woman. Get a grip folks! She’s my Mama. She matters to me deeply.
Digging out lies planted within my Mamas mind about things is hard work. It’s takes grit. And honesty. Like, straight up talk. And I feel Mama has not been spoke to like this in years. I feel like people around my Mama have been giving her a load of bull. Like patronizing her. Like just playing along.
What I see is sisters, two that ignore and withdraw, and a sister that protects, or thinks she is protection. She’s a bit off base? Protecting Mama from me? And I feel she protect herself as well. She protects that Mamas new beginning will not get off the ground. It feels evil and dark around my Mama. No wonder she in the word all day. I feel ya Mama.
But on my side of the fence between she and I? Is a new beginning. But Mamas got to let go too. I don’t back down till the job is done. And God help anyone that gets in the way of me and my own Mama. Yeah. I’ve prayed so long, for her. I’ve yearned for her. I know inside that stoic woman is so much more. I remember. God let me remember my time inside her.
And hey. Let me be the first to admit to Imperfection. I mean someone else raised me. And my Mama must consider that when dealing with me. She is faced with another woman’s work in the child god made from her. That’s huge. And Mama has held her ground like she is for years. It takes a wild woman to break her free! A wild woman like me.
To show her her worth! Beyond my sisters ideas of who she is. She could chain smoke and drink and read romance novels for all I care. I don’t care. As long as she loves me. Love. Acceptance of what was is needed. A good chat to settle up yesterday is needed. So she and I can lay out past to rest. And lay to rest a man who came and went and left a child inside her
I have felt like my Fad gave me a bad reputation. I have felt like Mama thinks I am like him. Not sure how I am like him? I only knew him three years? It would do me a world of good to know who he was to her. Like the full disclosure, not snippets and threads like it has been. And I work to clear any shame that may be wrapped around her throat, that keeps her from telling me the tail so we can heal it.
No one else is gonna get her story but me. And she needs to yell it and letting it out. I feel it is dragging her down and us down.
Yesterday my son went back to my house that is being sold and is 5 month begins on payments. He went to pick up some things. And when he got to the house my husband who is the same sign as my Dad was. Three days difference in the date! Uncanny. And so God. I don’t know why I have had to walk the path I walked with him. I signed up for love. Maybe Mama did too? And Daddy was a chump. Like this dude I married.
But my husband, I haven’t filed my papers, yelled profanities at my son telling him to get is f****in clothes out of the drawer, first thing. Wow. I’ve been concerned about David going over there. I protected my kids from the energies of this mans family. They don’t get my son. They don’t care about my son. It’s clear. And I am done with that.
Mama thinks I am breaking a vow. Nope. Clean as a whistle over here. The vow was broken by another. Who does not want to own that fact. Sound familiar Mama? Yeah. And yesterday. I think your grandson set that energy sailing when he took a coat rack to him after he lunged at him. They dukes it out. David did not back down and let him have it. I am glad he’s been bulking up. I did not raise my kids to fight. But when a grown ass man goes after my boy, who’s just getting stuff at the house for his Mama who hearts been broken by a man who can’t commit? Oh you best believe karma came to call.
I thought about my son, who’s not as heavy as this man I married, took him on. So childish. That’s why I’m not with him Mama. Ok? He’s a very angry person and stuffs it. And I am sensitive to this stuff. I am proud of my son. I feel he settled a score for me. And for Mama. I am grateful someone stood up and set him straight. No one else saw it coming. I did. And I tried to warn. Chelsie probably did. I believe she warned. But I was so blinded.
And what blinded me was being lied to growing up. I had to take the lies because Mama could t tell me her truth. She did not realize what she did to me. And that really upsets her. But I forgive her for her lack of knowledge. Just like Christ does. And love her still. With a fierce love. God does not let my love for Mama go away.
Anyway. It’s strange being me. Growing up blind. It’s like God has shown me how it was. I’ve been lead so that I could know how Mama felt. Can she see me differently? That’s up to god in her. And it’s up to god in her to look around herself and see who supporting her to be with her child come home? Doesn’t not look like their much support Mama. I see that for sure.
But, I’ve got support for you. And a heart like a lion to protect it. I took all dads good stuff. I learned about men and their crooked ways. I’m the girl they want to watch out for. I am dangerous to a man who’s not speak truth. I’ll get ya. Because God sent me to make it right for my Mama. I practice on me who are off track. I set them straight. If they don’t listen? Well, then God’s got more to teach them then I can do.
Loving a man that lies is a dead end. And that’s what I show Mama. She and I must come clean of this past so that our new can come. The seeds are there. The junk is cover what’s there. But I know beauty is on the way for she and I.
Worry not Mama. God is with us. God works in mysterious ways. I can’t worry about everyone. But I can do what I feel is right. And you are right. People can tell me this and that. A Mama is a precious thing. I’ve got two.
But I’ve got one I want to be with too. And she been gone so long. But I kept telling myself the story. I kept going there with her in my mind and replaying the tape of our meeting. I kept the fire bright.
Can you see my fire Mama? How bright it is? Do you know how hard it’s been to keep this fire going? Do you now know how many poured water on it? Do you now see why I don’t back down?
Linda lives in me. And Linda, yeah, Linda loved Mama Jean. Yep. Enough to give her child to her so she could be a Mama. That counts for something. To me. And it should to you too.
Because, but for the grace of god go you. You could be me. Would you be able to do what I do? To rage against a machine called adoption that took your Mama from you, to get her back.