If I love you.

I just want to say. I hope you are able to keep up. Because I’m moving a lot of energy to make room for the new. We all are creating the new. I’m just talking about what I could see happen and who I feel it could be. I want to talk about that. A new evolved family, working on our new parts and lines and celebrating how blessed we truly are.

I write to let my ugly feelings and emotions and bad ideas out. To stay clean energetically. And I really carried a lot of thoughts and ideas about my Mama. A lot of ideas and thoughts were told to me growing up. And Relinquishment caused me to focus on my Mother energy and Mother energy in general. Deeply. I studied life, looking for my Mama in the faces I saw. I admit to feeling at times like an animal, caged. I did. And then I would dip into times of being able to go with the new narrative and keep up. I missed Mama so. So bonding to my new life was not easy. She made a big mark on me.

I would ask myself many times, and pray, “why must I feel for her as I do?, Let me loose of it!! Just for a while. Lord please.”

It is hard to love your new Mama and be honest like she says you should be. Especially when you feel that your love for your own Mama, will cause the new Mama pain.

Mama Jean’s honesty can be interpreted as mean in some circles. And I’ve been with her. So my honesty seems mean now too at times. My Mama has been shocked by my truth. But I realize it’s our different natures are what we wrestle with. And that gives me hope.

I come from another genetic pool. And She doesn’t like to talk about the fact that we are different. And yet what I find is it’s extraordinary that we bonded somehow still? And that I also maintained my Bond to my Mama. Too.

To know what that means? Is to be adopted. Adoptees know what juggling our heritage and growing a new heritage is like. Our old is linked to our bodies. And for me, my body wanted Mama. But my souls needed Mama Jean to evolve. My family is getting the update these days because they have been disconnected from me and so, they’ve been living a bit of a lie.

My family does not like dealing with these lies. And they truly felt that had the 411 on me and Adoption. That is what I am refuting. And work to help them be more expanded on their view of their own sister. It’s quite scary for them.

I think about Anne of Green Gables these days. And how folks talk about orphans. In the movie, Marrila’ the woman who takes Anne in is confronted by a well meaning friend who meets Anne and twitters her about her hair and how skinny she is. Anne does not take this well and tell Marrila’s friend off and runs out.

Marrila is forced to listen to her friend tell her that Anne is the kind of orphan that puts strychnine in the well. What a thing to say? And yet that is how it is for orphans. We are from people that our new families don’t know. We grow up and there’s no telling what we hold inside, or so they say.

What I’ve learned by blogging and going there with my Mamas nightmare is that now, my own Mama is the scared one. Wondering if I will put poison in her well. A stranger twist I admit. But with her acting like she is, that’s what it feels like to me. I hope that is not what she feels? I pray that is not what she fears. No a nice thought to think about your own daughter.

Mama Jean is a fierce one when rilled up. Her tongue is sharp. I’ve been raised by her and As you have read, my tongue is sharp now too. And I want to be kind. Like people say I am not being. But truth is kind. Even when it’s not what you want to hear or what your used to telling yourself. And I have learned that Mama Jean speaks her brand of truth. Hard truth.

and Ive learned from that.

Trying to explain your language issue to your Mama is a hard one. She speaks her language. And she wants you to speak her language always. And right now? She needs to learn my new language to understand the woman who raised her child so she can understand her child now. After the fact.

So. The fact is. I love hard. Go long. Move shit that’s in my way. I make room for what’s coming. Back to Mama.

And it’s not what her actions are showing me she thinks it is. Forgiveness has covered what she fears. I’ve spoken it all and covered it with grace.

Our next step…,,,

I’d like to come back together. And now, Reunite properly.

Fully

Completely.

My Mama did not see that as an option or a requirement. But she did not really think about me now did she?

Surely. If she had, she would have known. I’d return.

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