This song is so powerful for me…
I may have only one match, but I can make an explosion….
As Ive said, I grew up without Mama. And in all my years, talking to god knows who and hearing what they thought, I wondered and searched. I asked questions and prayed to God to show me, who told my Mama I was a mistake?
Ive talked to the priest and the catholic God, Ive sung songs to them, and prayed that my song would turn Gods heart, and allow me to go home to my loving Mama and bring my Mama Jean with me, so she can have some love too, from Mama’s table, full of love and yumminess. Just like I pictured, she’s a good cook, like me. xo
And I talked to Jesus, and Victoria, and Gran Gran, LeRoy, and Margaret, they’ve talked to me, about who told Mama such a thing. Ive talked to a psychic, and a medium, done tarot, Ive asked the devil who told Mama that? Who told Mama such a thing? The devil told me to ask her, but she’s not talking. And then God began to show me, what Mama was really saying, with her actions.
I thought, oh my! God began to show me, my Mama, through all that was dumped on me, and I had to clean up! I had to come clean to meet my queen, or explain myself and ask for grace. I did them both, here.
People think rehab is for addicts? Well, I am totally addicted to Mama. Ok? Totally fanatically, passionately! You took me from her, but she’s still here, alive and well and angry. Cuz her Mama’s addicted to some fairytale reality, that’s just junk. How can I get her addicted to me again?
I look at myself, through Mama’s eyes of her actions and words. And I accept that I am a bit of a mess these days without her touch. True. Mama Jeans got a different way about her and I seem to be lacking something? The Linda touch maybe? Well, I would surely love a Linda touch. I need a make over for God sake, anyone can clearly see I need my Mama.
But Mama’s stuck on that old soap opera of hers and reading bible studies when she should be practicing and teaching me what she read? Yeah! Oh, Mama made her match and prayed and God sent the answer, made the answer 55 years ago. LOL
Leading Mama where this idea took her is not easy. And she is really sensitive from it. And this has roughed her up. But I needed to know, and she could not tell me, so, she showed me. And I accept, it all. Gladly. I am the man for this job. And I have so much love, that that woman needs, from me, to add to her recipe of success in this world, her legacy, includes me.
That I appreciate her honesty, not that I appreciate that is what she thought? But the day I went to see her, a gift I took to my daughter, was to hug her Gramma, and tell her I love her. And to fight with my big sister, we are way behind on that kind of thing. We did well. For a fight. I love her still. She can’t run me off, Ive waited to long to fight with that woman! Ive trained for it, so it is right. She knows I love her deep or I would not have even engaged with her.
She knows that in her heart. I see her heart, beyond her words. She came to see me, and fight who she thought I was to her. And she saw me leave, and kiss our Mama, with respect. I drove miles to see her, with her grandson, and stayed only minutes, did not see my baby, loved all of you, anyway. Cried on the way home. Watched my son perplexed because I have shielded him from this side of my life, but it was time he see where I came from.
And also see, me change it. One person can bring a big change. With God. Every knew will bow. And no one separates what god joins together, nor stand in Gods way when he brings it back home. All gifts from God must be received, and seen for what they bring. Life, evolution, the future.
I represent a new generation of Woman, daughter, child. I am evolved. I accept both my parent pools, gene pools. I accept my two families wholy, and wish to bridge this gap with my best intention. I feel a new status quo is in order, Victoria. I would like to get with that, asap. If you can?
Oh, I am not kidding. We need a new tradition and family protocol. And all members need to meet the new members, at an event. Something up your alley I think? We need some flare, and pomp. Why am I saying it here? Well, you read this thing? So I figured, put it here, in all the other stuff, something has to stick at some point.
Dont be scared anymore Mama. I took care of the dragons. And see? I am still here. I know who you are and where you’ve been. I went to all he places and my kids too. We know. And we show you, its ok, we love all people. Chelsie leads people to God, and gives homeless folks rides, she’s a good girl. She learned a lot of that from me. Angela does the same, and more. David does too. We are all like you in many ways, just different, we deal with the down and outers.
And you need to know that. And not be scared by it, its Gods work too. I speak straight with people. That way they know I am steady, I had to ease you into this and then just went at it, because God showed me our block was our past needed to go. But you needed to know why and what and all that, so I had to barf it up, or God made me do that, I did not want to do that, on my honor and Gods word. No, No, No. Do not like telling on myself at all.
I know, I have had you in a whirl. Going this way and that. And had you been drinking that vital protein I tried to show you when I came up that one time? You would be keeping up with me sister! As I have observed this whole family dynamic, I have seen that there are a many side to this that you all don’t see. One is that you are part of this and will always be a part of this, you chose this the day you relinquished, so did Liz. Bless her. Her name is Mary, bless her for her service and gift. I love you Liz. Always.
My sisters well being is of utmost importance to this sister here. I have waited to long to be a slouch. And not give it to them, all side. A full three way mirror, so they can straighten themselves, and I can straighten myself, with their help. But when I heard them speak about Adoption in such ignorant ways, I just could not go on any longer pretending it did not grate on my nerves and soul. Stop the play!!
How can we be in Adoption in such an intimate way and be so ignorant of what it means to all involved. I speak about it, don’t hate me because you don’t? Educate yourselves about people, not just adoptees, everyones got value in some way. value yourselves by valuing others. Value me, because I value you. Enough to tell the truth to you as best I can on a blog. I can see why I have studied communication so much. I hear you Victoria, I suck at it. But you’re my sister and you could have helped me and you didn’t. So. Yeah.
This is my fight song, take back my life song.
Your all are part of that life.