You bitches think my Mama can’t take this truth I told?

Hell, Mama walked this earth without me and had to see what I saw, only from a Mother point of view. We tell ourselves things to make it through tough times. But, she needed to know the rock bottom truth, like no punches, no secrets, no hidden agendas. Because giving your baby away and having her come back all hurt, really messes with your trust in this world. Thank God Mama knows God, well.

That is probably why I do too. Prayer is a mighty thing. And I know Mama prayed for me, gramma prayed too. So did Gran Gran, from heaven, for my return. Grams know what daughters need too. My Mama probably did not consider God allowing  my grandmas to help me go home? Well, God did, from within my very fibers, they guided me back to her arms. Like Good Mama’s and grandmama’s, they helped me tell it and they help me hit the mark left on Mama’s heart the day I left.

No one hit that mark! But me. I pushed all Mama’s buttons from cellular memory. but My mama’s so strong, she just let me fly off the handle, she didn’t get to? So I flew off for her too! And Mama Jean. I have seen them both go through life being Mama’s and trying to make God and their Mama’s proud, Daddy’s too. And I am here saying they succeeded!

What better daughter could there be except one that does not give up on either Mama? Like hello! That is a win win for one with eyes to see the value in a road taken. Like there are bumps and we get knocked around. Everyones got a journey from someplace to another. Mine was from a situation surrounded in fear and shame. And I don’t like that happening to my Mama, I want to make her feel better about what happened so long ago, I just have to take the old script out of her mind? She learned a lot of lines that conflict with the new that is upon us now.

And I blog because the time is now and we need to jump from this burning ship. Its going down. MY family needs to support this for Mama and to make her know, we will not leave her in her hour of need. I may have to do the dirty job to start the process, but we all need to do the work to support Mama and me, because it help everyone to have Mama truly happy and satisfied in life.

My question and I believe Phil would be the one to ask it. He asked so many thought provoking questions, I loved that about him.

What woman would be happy without all her chicks under her wing?

My sister live within miles of mama. Dont they get that about themselves?

Where are your kids? Do you know?

Mama is no different, but she needs us to help her see, its ok. that its more than ok, that we fully whole heartedly, support her in having what her soul desires.

Which is a relationship with her daughter, who has been gone so long.

Make room, make room for Mama, and for me. Because I am already in, you,

just didn’t see that I was…. within her.

I have traveled long and hard to reach her door. Many times.

Sister? Why am I unwelcome to you? Why did you say that in front of Mama? Do you not see her within me?

Mama opened her cage and let me fly

I came back to her warmth

To let her out of that cage..

Mama, there is so much love in here, its pushing all the crap away. Its so deep, I have so much to share, it gushes over and I share it with others.

Why can’t the girls share? I would send that question to them myself.

Why can’t you girls share? What are you scared of? I might be nice? I might be a good sister? We might all be happy? Oh, God no??

I surely don’t see what you all see in me? So please, let me know? Because the shit you all have been sending to me smells like fear, and that is not love.

So, take it back and try again. Please.

This reading tells the story of what is going on with me…

capricorn is my rising sign

cancer is my moon sign

Music, lol, so God sending me a message through an angel of music. xo

yeah, I went there, so we all could learn. And I am moving on from the dump, let us all leave all of this there. xo

No, I don’t want this anymore. I just want my Mama, I’ve waiting, been patient, I know what I need.. her.

Gemini is also my moon sign. Good things, come to those who wait and do the work. xo

Letting go of the old is what is going on here and this is how I am doing it.

I am not asking for permission to do my own process, nor must you agree with what I write? I only ask that you witness. I ask that each of you that read this blog, to witness what I barf up. And look at all the world filled me with. From conception to now, I have disclosed what was said to me, what I fed on, and what i now, throw out.

When sorrow is the energy that is connected to your Mama? You have to work to get free of it. Mama and I parted ways a long time ago, but the energies linger, why? Because it was all I knew, without her. And it was all I remembered, and held onto, to keep me connected to her.

And that is not a bad thing. Meaning Mama Jean did not, nor does she loose at all. It has been what has made me able to love Mama Jean. But the time comes when you want to share the love you have with your own Mama with her. While she is still alive and walking on this earth. That is a good thing, and again, no one looses.

If there is a loss? The loss is the old way. The loss is the idea that we missed something. I shared how I felt, but I did not loose Mama. She is here within me, and doing quite well. She’s healthy and loved. It is a mental process to come home as well. And a shedding of an old that needs to happen. That is what this blog is about, a disrobing of an old nasty idea of a way, and all that the world poured onto me as I tried to be the best adopted child to make Mama proud.

This is a disrobing of an Adopted woman, who is always her Mama’s child. Mama can label me what she wills, but I am her child, still. And I want her to look at her perception, so that she can see me clearly, and see the beauty of herself shining back at her, as I lovingly pull the mental gum out of her mind. Mama did not see that gum, and I want her to help me with my gum, and she has helped me.

WE should be so happy we are together. And that is what I work for, riding us from the past is the prescription for what ills us.

No, my ways are not conventional, but Adoption is not the real convention.

So, get with it.

PEOPLE CALL ME PUSHY

And I say, “Your damn right!” I got to get home to Mama!

Like I have felt like that for years! There is no fairytale here, truth. I am her daughter. I am the real deal.

If I am pushy? Its because I have been standing in line with all my other Adoptees to do the same thing and my turn to step up to the mike and ask God in front of everyone, to let me go home now, I learned my lesson.

Mom rocks..

BTW? Dont we push before birth? Dont we push a button to get a candy bar at the machine? Dont we push the door open when we want to go in?

Yep. We do.

A trip to the dump…

You know, a trip to the dump can really bring out your families issues. I mean they see you going there, and all their internal shit come up about what a dump means and why we have them. Mama, and the fam, must think I like the dump? Or is it them that love the dump and me in it? People must think I have a dumpy mind? Oh, Mama, they don’t know you at all? Mama does not make junk, God did not make junk from my Mama. OK?

My Adopted Dad used to go to the dump and he would bring great treasures home. And I used to anticipate his return from the dump growing up, because he found the coolest stuff. He brought home useful stuff. Like one time, he brought home an old victrola. And it worked! And it played records, still stored inside! Wow! It did look a bit old and dull, but with polish, it was a beauty to an eye that could appreciate its worth and all it had been through. I did.

And its like Mama. She’s not an old victrola, no way, no how. That woman on fire, for God. Like she reads bible studies all day, I want her on my team! But I also, know, that to be on my team, I must know her, and her weaknesses. Not to blow her up, like everyone thinks, but to blow her off and show her the shine is still there. That with an eye that can see, any daughter would see past all that I have said, and see, a beauty, useful, vital, gorgeous, and stately. She’s my rock.

Mama Jean is my river. She has been the best coach I could ever have in life. She is a Mama in her own right, just not like my Mama. And that is not a bad thing. I can’t just throw them into the same stew? Like one is lamb, and the other beef. And those need different spices and ingredients to bring out their flavor.

I am a cook of a different sort Mama. I cook up good things from things from the dump. YOU. They told me to dump you, but I know just what to do with you and you just don’t loose your savor, you become better with time. Aged and tender from time, like meat. Juicy and luscious, you can’t hide from me. I see.

Mama Jean used to get so upset with Daddy when he brought latest treasure home, but I just was so excited that you could do such a thing. Like he brought things home that folks gave up on and threw away. I guess God taught me something in that about Mama. God sewed that into my soul about Mama. Thank you Lord for all that you sewed into me. Thank you for answering Mama’s call. I am grateful grace can cover all I carried with Mama. Thank you for helping me spit it out. Help Mama stop chewing on all said, and to spit it out too.

But dumpster diving is a thing with me and my kids. Yep, and I feel it tell about the story that god sewed into me that was sown into them that came from me. We treasure things from the dump that are useful. We treasure people that the world has thrown away and given up on, like my Mama. The world can tell me to give up, but God shows me that to do that is to give up on myself and everyone.

Ive seen the reactions of my family, and it tell me a lot. If you have eyes to see.

Ive seen the reactions of my friends, and that tells me a lot.

Do I leave folks in the dark as to what I do? Well, I was in the dark about why all this mattered and why I needed to tell Mama. But I see it appearing now. As I see in my minds eye the mark, that God sent me to hit with my arrow made from Mama herself back to the demons that chased her away from this gift I am.

Mama’s like that too. She knows a good buy and priceless item. If you go to her home, you’ll see them all on display. And it warms my heart. I just wish she had more pics of me. I do need to take care of that. Maybe just me, no picture will do? Maybe she more of me, tall, and warm, hugging her and kissing her will do?

I  save an ocean full, just for her…. No one else… They have their own.

Because,

There is plenty.. within this child from Linda….

 

P.S.  AND,THAT IS WHY CHILDREN GO HOME.

word

Like. It’s ok?

Life that is. Life ok when your Mamas gone. But it does loose its sparkle a bit. Living in exile for years and not getting to bask in your Mamas sunlight is hard.

I realized how much God made me like my Mama when we met. Running has been a thing for me too. And I’m putting a stop to it. Because I’ve searched the world over and no one compares to you.

Yes you. I know? Can’t believe it? Well move over lack of belief. Because Belinda’s home. And Belinda’s strong. And Belinda’s proud to be so loud and proud and unashamed of who she came from beyond all that was dumped on her long ago.

I’ve seen the light. Jesus? Yes. Always. But I’ve seen the light flicker in a woman’s eyes when she sees me show up. When she sees me trying. When she see me rip it all off her and sets her free. I set myself free and you too by being honest and open and vulnerable.

The world be damned if baby can’t come home and find rest at Mamas table. Looking into those eyes. Eyes that live within a body I came from. Her hearth is warm and bright and calls me.

God is within her. This I know. For sure.

And all the chains of lies that bound us both are gone today. Can we see that? With our hearts eyes?

Shame sounds like game

And guilt sounds like wilt.

And rejection sounds like correction.

Let’s you and me write the book? Hmm?

Let’s change it for the records Mama.

We got what it takes.

You and I.

My love grows stronger each day I let those ugly words fly. Each word mixed together, like a potion, washes us as the demons flee.

Demonic thoughts kill love and we had a few. But God is faithful. Yes. To set us free. Again. And again. Each day new.

But god waned ya to know the depths of our connection is real. That every prayer was heard and answered. But that life is twisted. Free will must be understood. And grace covers it all.

That my dear is fantastic news. No?

Is not god’s love returned to you through an Child you gave away no fantastic?

I can hear it over coffee.

“I realized today that my daughter truly does love me Barbara Marie?” ” and it feels so warm and amazing, like the sun shining on a cold shady spot in my heart, that I thought god could not see this place any longer, but God did.”

God loves you this much. Mama.

I’ve learned many things Mama. And I want to share them with YOU. YES. YOU.

And that’s all you need to think about. Nothing else got in my way. All my words, words spoken over me that discourages my soul at times, did not drown out my love for you.

That’s. A miracle.

That’s what keeps me coming back to you.

You. Are my roots here in this earth.

Your essence. Your spirit. Your faith. Your being.

Keeps me coming back for more.

I let go of our past.

And my hand is now free and extended to you.

Will you also let go?

And take my hand with yours, that’s now free to hold mine.

Cacka, is a work for shit. And shot goes on the garden, not in our minds, or hearts. And we both must let this go for it to truly work.

Trust me. I get you most. I’ve walk this earth without your hand to hold and you have done the same. Let’s see what holding hands can do. Let’s trust god.

Step in faith. Like me. Doing this crazy dance for Mama. Faith looks crazy when we can’t see what’s next, but god showed me behind our veil. It’s amazing. Come.

Come with me. And let’s do this new thing we both want so bad. The demons are now gone. Listen?

Silences. They did not hurt you. Nor did they keep me away.

Let’s do this. Let’s believe in ourselves and our God and do this that no ones doing.

I’ve stood in the street eating all that was said about you me and Mama Jean. And now. I poop.

Let’s leave this poop.

I love you deep woman. Deeps at god goes.

Which just happens to be infinitely

Like an 8

Like my birthday

Like me who came from you.

Xo

The time IS now.

I am ready to listen. I understand Mama. I get it.

Please. May I come home now?

jump.

I am the net. I am the gift.

I have been listening and watching you.

Your actions speak loudly.

To me.

There is nothing to fear.

I get you. Let me show you.

Now. How much that’s true.

It’s our time now.

You and me.

Let’s jump from this old burning past of ours.

I, burned it down.

Now. Is the time to build the new.

I am. Your super star. Always.