I Be-Linda, raised by Jean. And that explains my complex nature. It’s explains who I came from, who trained me either passively or purposely. Each Mother has impaired wisdom into me.
I Be-Linda. And I don’t deny it. I celebrate it. God gave me that name and linked me forever to the two woman in my life who Mothered me. Many children are named after someone. I was named after my Mothers.
I do not blame them ultimately. I only illuminate what they could not see. I did not show them. I could not show them until I got in touch with who I am from it all. I needed much time and study to find the words to speak what I went through being their daughter.
And in the end. I am still here, loving them both. Is it so hard to imagine a child doing such a thing after so much confusion? Yes. Without the back story one struggles to understand. And that’s why I blog. To give the back story.
As you can see, my backstory was quite a struggle. Trudging through all the mess and garbage of who I was thought to be. And yet my name says it. Belinda Jean. A woman adopted and raised by another who never let go of her first Mama.
And who has fought for them both in my own way, along the way. As I grew up, I worked to see the beauty in all this confusion and lack of knowledge of myself and where I came from. And ultimately where I am going. And who I have become because of my life experiences.
I have walked the Dark road of identity. Not knowing who I was or who I came from caused me to dig deep into myself. It caused me to go inward to God within and ask the questions many who are separated from their unit ask, why?
And I guess why not is the answer. Why not go through all this and figure out what works and what doesn’t? Adoption need eyes to see and to help others see what they do to the children when they relinquish. It is a tough road for the children of Adoption.
And from what I have seen and experienced my self and seen in others who are called adopted is that we longs for home. Adoption cause us to long for home and Mother and comfort as well. God can comfort the spirit. But who comforts the body separated? Who?
It’s is the Adoptee that must resurrect their Mama as best they can. We dig deep into our DNA and learn to Mother ourselves. Our memories of our Mamas come from a time when she was down and dismayed. And we must encourage her to help us keep going.
I am one of those Adoptees that not only resurrected her Mama energy, but also my father energy. And prayed for the day when God would grant me a meeting. And God do grant this.
To find out that after 30 years, that you were named after your first Mama is a miracle. It’s is a validation from god alone as you realize it. That was the case with me. I Be-Linda. God does have a sense of humor to cause the woman who raised me to name me so. Especially since she did not know my Mamas name?
Being adopted means that you are some kind of ambassador for your family to another. It’s is most important to do a good job and merge the two. That is how I feel. But how?
For me? Honesty and truth. I speak as a woman now to my Mamas who are woman as well. I introduce them and work to quiet their fears of the other. I am the actor in their nightmares and the angel who rescues them. I am a supreme specimen of a woman to do this for many Adoptees Fail and give up. I do not. Give up on my Mamas. Who in their faith in a system have done as well as they could.
But I can do better. I can bring change to better it for them both. Dishonor is what I felt from the world. And they persevered. Dishonor is what I have written about. I expressed it with sharp words spoken to me by an ignorant mass that could not see, like Moses, it was the only way.
But. Like Moses, god uses me for his will. Which is to restore a family unit, to bless them. If these two woman can only hold onto the past, how can they see their futures? How?
That’s my job and the job of my children. We work to make them see the beauty in this inner twinned situation. That is surrounded with so much shame and guilt. My words clean the slate of shame and guilt. I am the judge and jury here. For I have gone through what they wanted me to and still have love for them both for what they did for me.
Many judges my first Mama for letting me go. But she was honest at the time she did not have it to give me. That is unfortunate. But honest. I can respect that. And one had love to give and chose to share it with me, the child made by another.
And Mama Jean and I have battled. Yes. We are very different people indeed. And I have had to clear away all in me to see what she did for me. Beyond the frustration of a child blind to her own self as Adoptees are.
Our families differ. And yet are the same in this, I am a part of them now. Mama Jean is a part of me. And Mama is a part of me too. Two realms joined by one who did not back down on her duty.
My duty is to join us physically. This is my task. And to clear all the garbage out first. So we can see clearly what God is doing with us all. Unity is God’s thing. And if they see separation it is in them, not me.
I see the whole. I see us all
Joined and yet separated in mind. By an ideal that is out lived. Adoption only takes an adoptee so far. There are no rules of engagement to go home. I am making them up as God Guide’s me. And the first thing to go, is our past.
These woman can’t talk about this? So I did. They can’t go back? So I did. I can no longer walk this road with them in trauma. And what traumatized me most is that they don’t see they are the best of friends. That despite it all they came through for me as best they could. Sure. We can do better now that we know better. But they did their best to stay on there courses and say their lines as guided by Adoption.
I say today. Bravo Mamas. Bravo for doing your best.
I ask today. Would you like to do better? And what does that look like? I know what it looks like to me? Way better than what we have done in our recent past. Yes. But we must forgive.
Look at all I wrote! There is grace over it all. Why? Because I was the witness. And I
confessed it. And grace is over it all.
How can one know grace unless they know what grace covered? A lot!!!!!! Grace covered a lot. And god protected my love for them beyond the madness of Adoption rules and regulation.
Today is not a day of sorrow. But a day of joy. Grace has won. Mamas prayers were answered. And the DNA won. My Mama is one tough cookie. And I’m just like her in many ways. I am grateful to know that.
My father may have been a half hazard of a man. But god used that man to make me. And brought me back to show Mama what God did with that bundle of joy.
Mama must see the good in me to see the good in her. I called her the other day. She’s not blocked me. I called and asked for prayer. I know she gives that freely for me. And I was comforted by her voice on her message. Such a little thing a cheery voice can give to a child who’s not heard it for a while. So simple. So sweet to the ears.
Sure. I’ve been angry. Yep. And I owned it. Will my Mama own her own anger? I pray she will. And I pray for healing for us all.
Thanks for diving deep with me today