If not god? And god is called many names and yet is alpha and omega. As I have made my way through life, waiting to find Mama, it would appear that the great physician has been teaching me. This life is a lesson about Mother and her true meaning.
And. Mothers are human too. They are our super hero’s and yet live in mortal bodies that accumulate energy. My Mama still had some residual energies left from our separation. And by just speaking my truth, has lite my Mama boards up. Which has shown me where the boo boos are in them. A physician sees.
God trained me to see the wound. And arms me with the truth. Like a sword my truth cut through the bag of lies my Mama held onto, because she didn’t have me to hold. And I saw in her eyes unworthiness because of her deed. She has warred against who she thinks I am, not who I really am. I am her daughter. I’ve come home. With healing in my wings.
But the lies have to go! Each on must pack up and go. Because the truth is home. And truly, all is well. God made a champion from my Mama womb. One she had forgotten she was. Mama was my cage. And she set me free. And I flew back to her. Like the dove in the Bible with an olive branch, I bring back her hope. I bring my gifts from a far. To her. And there is no shame in this. None.
I am not ashamed of loving my Mama. She has done her best. But to know my Mama is to know that she strives to do her best. And she can only do her best if she has all the information. I’ve given her my side. And now she got the rest of the story that adds to her story.
Which is this:
She gave birth to a girl.
She gave her away.
She went on.
Her girl grew.
And loves god too.
And she came back.
To where she came from
To bring love to a place in her heart
That’s not seem love for 55 years
The likes of no other love she’s had
Ordained my god the day I was conceived.
Her girl has shared this love with many. I’ve channeled my love for Mama to many people. And it’s my love for Mama that makes my love for God deeper. For its Mama, that I came, and that is where god made me from. For as the word says, god knit me within her womb. So God was inside her while I grew. Making me. So I could come back. And love her awake from her dream or nightmares.
To cut the wound, so it could release the toxins. So it could heal. And she could be who she has always been. My Mama. Now a friend.
Love sometimes looks like hate. Until you understand mental warfare, spiritual warfare. We may love our Mamas. But we don’t like what they think at time. And that is what I war with with. That mind is what I educate. Ignorance shall not grow any longer. For truth has struck a blow to ignorance and replaced it with truth she can stand on. Not sinking sand.
Like a surgeons hand. My tongue has cut and pushed buttons and lit Mama up. To show her the lies. My words cut away at yesterday. And yes. It’s hurts at first. My truth has cut, and the lies oozed out and Mama could do nothing to stop it. But why would she want to? She’s banking on me. Or should be. For sure.
I’ve got the eyes to see what she needs. And a heart to know what she needs. She needs a daughter who know her truth as well as her own. She needs a daughter who’s tested her own truths, and faced her own demons head on.
God has squeezed me so hard that all my subconscious truths came very forcefully out. So that Mama and I can rid ourselves of these truths we have held for years. To survive. We held them to survive. But I wish for us to thrive.
Reunions are tricky. And they must progress to be healthy. My Mama and I are stagnant, not moving. We digress. They say,” if your not going forward, Your going backward.” And I believe it. Something has held us both back. And it’s our truths that don’t match. Not me. Not her. But what we believe.
And what I know. Is what sets us free from this past that chases us. No more. Shall yesterday chase us for we have faced yesterday. Together. Here. I have outed the lies that kept us bound to an old way. She’s free. Free to be, Mama. At last.
Thanks for diving deep with me.
As I share the heart of this child.
Adopted no more.
Free. To be me.
Adoption did not change who my Mother was. It’s only changed my name, location, and only made me angry.
Because I want my Mama. Plain and simple. And so complicated to obtain.