People will say what they will about me, Mama Jean, and Mama. People say a lot about what Adoption really means to them behind closed door and around children they believe don’t hear or understands what they are saying. I was that child who heard it all.
I was so starving for the truth I listened to everyone truth. It was like I soaked it all up. As I look at this blog, I imagine that the truths I heard from other, has shed some light on the truth underneath all we say to save face. I can also see that my truth has had a very deep affect on the woman I came from. And I was so used to it all, her shock opened my eyes to what I had been through.
This blog is not a wallowing. But a sorting out, a throwing out, and cleaning out of all I took in as I journeyed for my truth. Growing up we believe and accept what is told to us. In our teen years and beyond we tear what was taught and adjust as needed. We test and prove or disprove what has been told to us. Some of its crap. And we keep what really works.
I feel what we say about ourselves is key. What is our inner dialogue? Mine was so toxic as you can read? You can see why it’s taken me so long to truly come out with such words, and ideas and on and on. Garbage.
What’s real is my quest. Is Mama really a mean woman? Is she hateful? Am I? What’s really going on here? Why is it so hard to talk to your own Mama? Why does she block me? What am I saying that cause her grief? If I don’t know? How can I be more aware? We’ve been apart a long time. And I’ve been poking around to see where the issues are.
I’ve seen a lot of reactions. And I’m pretty good at guessing. But I really would like to practice speaking and work it out through communication that focuses on working it out. Where we let go and stop holding onto our own way. I want to learn your way again. And for you to learn mine.
I feel I am an exceptional daughter who works for the highest good of Both Mothers. I wish for my ancestry to be honored, all parts that are part of me. Mama Jean and Mama are my whole ancestry. Dad Elmer, and Dad Huey are my whole heritage now. I feel it is a great honor I extent to my Mama to be a whole part of that, because she is a part of that.
I am willing to go on without this wish. But I don’t want to.
So. Say what you will. I seek the silver lining here. Beyond the cloud.
Thanks for diving deep with me today.