As an Adoptee, now for 54, almost 55 years on this planet is how I had to be initiated into this grand Club. I was stripped of all titles, names, heritage, and identity, to assume a new name, title, heritage, and identity. And I played the game, but I did not buy into it? I am the child of Linda Marie Brown still. I mean, what in the world are folks thinking? That we forget our own Mama’s??? My Mama believed that shit! Did yours? Hell Yeah, they were grasping at straws, held by the church and the consciousness of the times. But free love had already arrived and I was a real thing. And I am still a real thing, and a product of my Mother and Fathers love. However Mama wants to say it went down. She liked my Dad and maybe even did have deep feelings for him. Those feeling could have scared her. She was just getting out of a marriage that obviously did not feed her soul or she would be staying with that man now wouldn’t she?
Having to carry the shame of laying with my Dad for 54 years is enough punishment. I have aired all that people said about my Mama, so she could see that it would not kill her. No one came to take her away, nor me for that matter. And Mama is free to love me a she wishes, if this is how she wishes to love me? By pushing me away, and letting my sister bully me, if she wants to leave me out in the cold yelling about her, I guess she can. She could also say,” Let them eat cake.” And carry on. Is that what my own Mama is all about? Getting off Scott free? I imagine not. I don’t believe she is free at all, and that is why I speak of grace as I level every demon that is keeping us apart. I mean, that is my Mother people. What in the hell do you do for your Mama? Give up? Put her away? Withhold your love? Not me. I am not programed like that.
I come back. I pick her up. I wipe her tears, I straighten her dress and hair. I help her get together, so I can show her off. That is my Mama who gave me away to another. And I am her gift, come back to be opened. Get the hell out of our way. That woman loves me so deep, not even my own sisters can see it. She scowls at their words, not me. She scowls that her own daughters would do her baby like this. Yeah, she’s not telling you, because she want me to tell you, that is how close we are. I got your back Mama. It might have taken me 25 years to figure out how to assist, but I am here to be who I am.
And folks need to get over it. I don’t back down on a proposal. Mama knows exactly what I am saying. She’s been waiting for me to help her. And for my love. Mama’s need the love of all their babies. And my Mama’s no different than any other Mama except that she sent me away. And when that happened, Adoption took over. Did Mama see me being upset? hell NO! She did not see this speed bump coming at all, she was blinded by the lies told to her about her daughter and how she would feel! That’s no ok. Now, she’s trying to take the real truth in and is so blow away by her babies report, she is wanting it to go away, but it can’t go away. And this report helps stop Adoption from doing this to others in the future. My suffering is not in vein if a child is saved from being removed and thrown into grief and abandonment hell.
No one took the place of my Mama. No one could take her place. A Mothers place is within her child heart from day one. Mothers are sown into our hearts. Even ones that give us away. We come back to heal our Mama’s torn hearts. And that is the highest form of Love on the planet.
I want my title back, my heritage back, I want my life back, whatever left of it. It’s still mine, now that I can advocate for myself. No one listened when I was young, and I was asking about Mama. Yes, I was. I stand up now, after living the life Mama sent me to and to fulfill Mama Jeans dream of having a child, I want my Mama back.
Thanks for staying deep with me. I am so done with shallow shit.