My Mama says I crossed the line..

My Mama says I crossed a line. Like what line? Oh, you mean the line of communication? That it stopped letting you block me? And just went public about your behavior? Oh. Is that a line? I don’t live like that. My life was very public and everyone knows I am adopted. So blogging this is just the next step.

Evidently Mama thought sh drew some line in her sand and that I just don’t respect it? Hmmm? Such a strange way to think for a Mother? She gives birth and then sends me off and ties me to some new family tree and thinks I won’t chew the chain?, and get free? What a silly woman she is. She hates that I tell it like it is. To bad. Did you think I would just stay chained to a new tree forever dear woman?

People tell themselves some stories. Including myself. But mine is way better than hers. Fo sho!! (That means, For sure, for those who don’t get what that means)

The question is:

Where is the line between Mother and child? We come from Mother. Where is she not within us? How does one simply get rid of one or the other without some kind of disruption? There is no way to do that. We are forever linked in time and space. My Mamas link is kind of crappy. And I know. She doesn’t not like to be criticized. Neither do I! But it is what it is.

Not for lack of work on my side of her line in her head. She thinks I don’t get her. Oh I get ya girl! And for your information it’s your ego that I’ve come for Mama. Yep. Hand it Over.

I’ve got nothing but time and fingers to type with and a mind like a steel trap. Where it’s all stored. The time is now for us to build. Stop being stubborn. I am extending my scepter to yours. Realm to realm. Queen to Queen.

You hav lived without me. Yipee! Good for you! Way to go!

But can you live with me? What are you so scared of now? All our shots out and now we can just move on. I am being very firm in this. No stubborn. I’m scared too. But brace enough to dare. That is a Queen.

Do you want me to be a beggar? Do you want me to just stay like a dog tied to another family tree? Seriously. Get a grip.

I work to forge a new way for us. And yet you drag your heels in the sand again and again. Sand is rock. Yes. But it’s prices of rock. We need to be on a firmer foundation than sand. And you know that. And you are my first leader and look at us! Look! You are not done Mama, with being my Mama. Is this how you really want it!?

There is still plenty of time to build something new. A better legacy than this is on the horizon. But it’s ahead and not behind. Let us pay our respects to all we have been through and yet apart. Let us come together and commune at Christ’s table of grace and confess our sins to the other as God admonishes is to do.

Let us practice what we preach. You and I both know this is the way. Show the girls. They will follow you. And all will be well if we faint not in our well doing. The only line needed is a party line, so all can be involved in your baby coming home. And everyone in our families should be happy and supportive for that bold move that I am proposing.

It’s our time. Everyone’s else has had us, but we have not had each other. Fear has no place here with us now. Read my words and listen to your heart, the part of you that is still connected to me. It’s that still small voice that overtakes the fear. Listen to that voice.

Have faith that this is the way and see what do you have to loose? I’ll tell you what you have to loose.

  • Sleepless nights
  • Worrying about what people think
  • A past we have put grown
  • Pain from the loss we both experienced
  • Fear
  • Doubt
  • Guilt
  • Anger
  • Suffering from the above mentioned
  • Emotions that are tied to being separated.
  • Feeling unsafe.
  • Depression

What will we gain?

  • Peace
  • Closure
  • Family
  • Joy
  • Compassion for each other
  • A deeper Faith for doing what’s right and believing God is all. Faith demands actions
  • Forgiveness of self and others
  • Humility
  • Groundedness

Weeping may endure for the night. But joy comes in the morning. I feel this is our morning after the storm that was needed to blow all this away. Devastation has ravaged us. Chaos has stuck. And new grow is on its way. A place has been cleared for the new. But we can not linger over what once was and I need you to help me finish this. Our old boat is sinking and we need to disembark to a new ship that’s now docked for us and ready to sail.

Will you send me away again? Are you unable to see yourself in me? Is the part of you so ugly that is within me? What is this madness? I am your flesh. Gods blessings are available. But we must believe and look for them.

Stop feeling sorry for me. I don’t need pity for god sake. I just need love and acceptance. And you do to. You just don’t see all this mess was in the way and that I even knew it was there. And I am a clean as you go girl. And this has been a mess.

My sisters are so tied to you, they are holding you back from me out of fear. Calm their fears. I have only come home for what is mine. I am not here to take, except the old and throw it in the trash? And I came to give.

Let me. How do you really know?

You said that you all accepted me into the family and that there was love until, we know what that means. Conditional love. If you accepted me them you accepted me. No take backs Linda Marie. If I was in? I am still in and you need to check yourself and what you are reading in that bible.

Not one of you has come to my aid. What if I really had something wrong going on? You did nothing? Not a thing except throw shit at me and get angry. You all left me outside after I knocked. I came three times this year and knocked on the door of your hearts. Three. Like father son and holy ghost three? Did you let me in? Except to abuse me? Did you listen to my heart and words, or deflect them?

My sister said I was unwelcome? No hug. No love. Mama made me coffee and watched as her hired henchman Victoria tore into me. I guess she can’t do shit with her Kids either. We share that one Mama.

I am showing you all sides of me. My brain is complex and Adoption did that to me. I know what’s up with me. I’ve been trying to explain. And I had no words for these feelings and emotions linked to our separation. All you guys do is get upset and sulk. I am used to being spoken to like an adult. I am reasoning with you. Yes. It’s harsh. How do you think I felt after you left without a trace? Harsh.

Excuse me for not softening it up for you. But you did not soften it for me. I wish to soften this harshness. But I need you. Yep. If you want to soften then you need me. And folks need to let us do what we have to do and get out of the way. Like two many chefs. It’s me and you. They can figure it out. I’ve got you. I have not come to let you fall, but to take your hand and help you back up. You fell long ago. I came back to help you up and teach you what I learned while I was away.

I am helping you get over it by shocking it out of you. My words of truth hit all that is not our total truth. It’s like prayers. Or arrows. They seek the lie and hit it. I guess it’s like a mind game I learned to help get to know those around me. When the truth is spoken it eases the tensions. It’s like a breeze that blows it all way if we don’t hold onto it. Like,” they tell me you say horrible things about me on your blog” First if all, who are they? And why are they reading my blog and interpreting it for you?

I would call that hearsay and gossip. You know better Mama. Read my blog. The truth will set you free. Cry about it. Use it to scrub the old away. Have a yell. Smash something. Get it out. Because I feel with within you. I’ve called it all by name and you have reacted which tells me I hit the mark. Look at the marks I’ve hit. How did I know that?

Because I am your baby girl woman. I get you more than you know. Ugh. I better end this. It takes so much love to write all this. Listen. I make mistakes too. Look at Chelsie. But I don’t give up. People that don’t want to change just block is how I see it. Is that really you Mama?

Chelsie’s there to show you a side of me you can’t see in me, but can in her. She’s a beacon of light from me back to you. And Angela helped her get up there. Look at the love. Why in the hell would I let my daughter help my other daughter come live up there with you if I hated you? Seriously.

We are world Bridgers. Let the bridge be build woman. For the highest good of us all and stop the na sayers. Stop the family from saying anything else that impedes this process that is natural and by Gods design. Ours has just taken Awhile. Children come home. Always. 54 years old. I’m still your girl. Your still my Mama. Own it.

Thanks for diving deeper and deeper with me. God bless.

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