When I started this blog it wasn’t about being great writer or winning accolades. When I decided to write about my experiences being an adoptee, I was scared shitless. What would happen if I told my truth? I kind of knew what would happen, and that it would be difficult to express myself so others understood what I was saying. But I will say that my Mama was my first target of instruction and expression. And thats not a bad thing to tell your Mama your feelings after so many years of bottling them up. I was like a bottle of soda, and God shook me until I blew my top and sprayed all over everyone what was contained within me. It was like throwing up, and trying to get to the bathroom and not making it. I just was not in charge of the expulsion of my grief, God was, and I had to trust the process.
After blogging now for some time about this matter that I have not spoken about like I have here, I feel better. It’s like my truth was poisoning me, because I held it in for fear. And I know what the word of God says about fear. And I had to trust that Gods word would cover what I would say with grace. Because God does not give us the spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind. Holding my truth in made me toxic, I was not being truthful if I had to hold my feelings in for fear of offending someone. I was offended when I was adopted, and I told no one and just tried to understand why. But it hurt. I can’t lie about that, not even if my own Mama blocks me. I set myself free.
And now that it is out, I am feeling the positive affects of clearing out the negative in myself. People can say, I should do this and I should do that. But do they know really how and what I should do with what I carried for years? No. I know what to do. And we all know what to do, we just have to do it. It hurts me today that there are many adoptees that have not let themselves out of the prison Adoption puts us in. I want all adoptees to be supported in their own recovery from a sucker punch no one even sees. A punch that takes our breath away and sows seeds of fear into our little hearts. I want all Adoptees to be free to express themselves, and to find the narrative to help those around the world understand what Adoption means to the child. Our stories are needed for folks to see what is, so we can build what is to come.
I am using my suffering to show people what is under this top coat called adoption. It hurts to go through life and not know your whole story. It hurts not to be able to connect your children with their whole heritage. And every person want to have a family tree, but ours has been graphed to another, yet we are still the same tree as our families. We just act different because of who raised us. My Mama struggles to get me, because she has not factored, nor does she care to factor my upbringing in a strange home into the mix. She sees me as ill, mentally deranged, a mess. And she has not extended her hand of help and compassion towards me, except to block me, again. She never learned from her own lessons, and she is acting the same as she did when she was 25. That is what is sad. She is stuck in the past, and can’t move forward, which has caused me to digress as well.
Our truth has held us in the holding pattern for long enough, and I am done being her mistake. I am done being unwelcome. I am done. My heart still pines for her, but I can’t let my heart keep putting itself in harms way. My Mama runs around with knives in her car. And I don’t need her stabbing me any longer. She wants to be this way? Well, don’t come crying to me later when you finally wake the hell up to what just was on the table of your life Mama dear. You are to good for your own daughter? You are to busy for your own flesh to come hug you? Your too good to look at the affect of your own actions that have had a lasting affect on the child your gave away and her children. Because Adoptions touches them too, and it affects them too. Push me away you silly woman. And push yourself away. I am from you, and you can’t even look into the mirror you broke and then blamed on another. Mama Jean patched me back together. So if you see lines and cracks, you made those when you shattered me.
As I accept that I was shattered at 2 days old, I feel a peace cover me like a warm fuzzy blankey. As I send the messages out into the universe as I blog, I receive peace about it all. So what Mama doesn’t want me, whats new. But she will see my expression. No more will she be able to tell herself stories. I have burned my face into her memories. Those stories are gone, they will not comfort her any longer. She is now, just like me. She has seen the light, and she does not want the light on. Well, ok. You don’t want to talk to me? I’ll talk to myself, like I always have. Intelligent people talk to themselves, it’s a problem solving tool. I am encouraged, after expressing myself, I respect myself more. No longer must I wait for validation from a woman who couldn’t care less. Ive been preparing myself for years to speak my mind to the woman I came from. She only saw a mess, and that made me angry and God I imagine, because God makes all children from within their Mama’s womb.
Grace is over it all for me. Mama must confess her own things to receive grace over her. No confession, no Grace. God stands at the door and knocks, in my case, God made me stand at the door and knock. I don’t know that I do it as well, but I followed God and did what came to me, I confessed my missed marks, so grace is mine now. And I am grateful God showed me the way. This way is not an easy way, but it is a good way. Getting real is not easy, people have their own ideas of what you should and should not do. Mama’s way is to block. Mine is to confront and expose and forgive and accept. I believe in honesty, and that we can forget hurtful words if we understand the contacts of why. She holds onto the hurtful words, because to let go means she must accept that she does love me and that she is most grieved by the affect her actions had on her child. She can’t do that, her Ego, or flesh appear to be calcified. Like lots wife, she is a pillar of salt and has looked to long into the past. I just dump my past.
I blog to sort it out and glean my lessons from it all. I report my findings and feelings here to show others the affect of speaking the truth. Mama thinks maybe I don’t know what being corrected is like? Ha Ha. Like I gladly take a beating, but I always want to learn why. I gladly take Gods corrections and look for understanding in it all. That is what it means to be a christian to me. WE stumble and do things, God brings us back around to have another look, we learn lessons and always are given another chance. Mama does not want another chance. Well, alrighty then. Knock yourself out lady! What the hell do I know??? Lordy. WE would not have been good together if this is how you are. Thanks for leaving me. Mama Jean has done some fine work with what God made from you. And she worked like a dog on me. Now that I have had a long look at where I came from? I can see how much she actually did? Wow!
As this year ends, I end a chapter. My chapter of truth. And I have written it here, so others looking for courage and strength to speak truth, can come and drink from my radical, courageous, crazy, wacky, intelligent, genius words. I mean you don’t have to do it like me. I just did it radically to show it can be done. I don’t really think I want to be with Mama anyway. She’s kind of a drag and if you don’t speak a certain way, she blocks you. And for me that is traumatic, and hurtful. I don’t know how my sisters put up with it, but they don’t need my help obviously, so good luck ladies! Mama Jean protected me from people like Mama, and trained me to face her, and survive it again. Facing the past you came from is very difficult, because all the emotions I felt within that woman came flooding back up, like poison. Mama jeans love line helped me survive it again, so I could cut this evil tie that has been poisoning me for years. Energy flows whether we are together or not. Mama needed to be put on notice about her nasty ideas of me.
I do value my reputation, and it has taken me 54 years to muster up the courage to set Mama straight about me. Not an easy job. But very needed, if I want all I can have with Mama jean. Mama is just a lady these days that I came from. I have honored her and she has blocked me. So I told it like it was for me, to free myself from her nasty energy. She can swim in that cesspool if she wants to, but I will not be joining her. She thought that she was at the one rejecting me again, no. I came back to see with my own eyes who I came from. She can’t ell the truth? She did not make the grade, nor did my sisters. I have standards, Mama Jeans standards now.
Thanks for diving deep with me today.