Being Adopted does not cut a person from their first family. And the fact is that now, I am the child of another. Mama may not being mindful of this fact. I feel that maybe she’s not thinking about how this all looks to the woman she gave me too? Mama Jean is very upset about how her baby girl is being treated by the woman she came from. Mama has said on many occasion that she feel pity for Mama Jean due to my truthfulness and approach, and Mama Jean feels pride. She raised me to be strong and stand up for myself, even if that meant standing up to her. That’s a leader. She has not trained me to fluff her Ego, but to fan her souls flame with truth. No we don’t agree all day, and many days we fight. And for me and Mama Jean? That’s love. That we show up and do the work and love anyway, and forgive, anyway.
I have invited Mama to come into our club of truth. But Mama Jeans not sure Mama can pass the test to be sworn in. There are rules. And truth is one of them. It appears the fam is not supportive of this bold move, I say, fuck um. Mama needs some passion in her life, and I am just the thing she needs. Letting go of me is a non option, you can’t really divorce a child. And I flew right back to her anyway. The offers on the table, and the only thing to let go of is that old way of being. The one where I am cut off forever, and the part of Mama thats connected to me stay stagnant. I feel that deep within my Mama longs to go beyond our once was. I feel her soul longs for this more than she wants to admit. And it is scary, its new, and she is not sure what will be ahead. But whats there now? An empty place at the table of her heart, that belongs to me. A house full of children that don’t even care that she have that back. A child that keeps knocking at her hearts door to be let out, and not in.
Unwelcome guest no more. I never was, I was just unexpected. And Mama felt many things about that, and many told her many things about that. Many of these things lead us here. And I aim to reframe this narrative, and high light what’s not been seen, to add richness and color to this black and white film. I come with he pizazz, to embellish this scenario. This story is of overcoming odds, it about truth winning, its about eternal love and bonds formed, and respect coming home. Mama can’t see that. But she beginning to get a glimpse, I know she feels it. I want her to know its going to be good.
Mama Jeans a wit of her own. I truly can see these two fine woman being, and are in my mind, very close allies, and friends. Mama Jean is keen and quite intuitive. I trust her advice as a guide, even if I chose a way she has not said, I know what could lie ahead and come prepared. I know, Mama did not expect that. A friend? A person so close to her, and yet not. A woman who has gazed into the eyes of the child created from her, who has been loyal, kind, firm, stern, loving, forgiving, and my Mother figure. And I just want to put it out there that she needs to remember that this woman has shed her life blood for me, and she does not take kindly to people saying her baby girl is crazy! Hello? Might want to rearrange that mental concept and get with it. Mama Jeans hip as shit. I respect her enough to be honest with her. That is how we built trust, truth.
She knew I would search, and she prepared me for that search. She respected that I would search, and shared that respect with another woman who now tries to bow out. And that is upsetting to her. She is very upset that I am so upset. She did not want me to go here because of what I would have to face, but she knew that was not her choice. So she prepared me for it. Thank God.
This is a misunderstanding. And folks on my Mama’s side are holding grudges, which is not the Christian way. I am addressing what is, in hopes of us creating a new what is to be. How can change come if we don’t realize what is not working, so we can find what does? Families can be like this, but is that the highest good of all? Should people block others? Or should we work to understand instead of judge? Do I know what inside Mama’s head? Not all, but I have a pretty good idea from taking in what she says and does in response to my words and deeds. I want to be able to blow into Mama’s house and cook up some grub and drink wine and just be. I want to help her clean and organize, like I do for Mama Jean? She truly is missing out, I am good at it.
A responsiblity is now on Mama’s table, “What do I do to respect a woman I don’t know and yet see in my child?” How do I proceed? And that is why I am here blogging, to help her perception to be clear. Mama told me that my oldest sister has given up on me. And I want to say, right? She has not, she gave up on herself. Sisters fight. And me and my sister had not fought. We now have. Like get over it. What do you think I am doing? I don’t stuff stuff and go on, I dump it, I tell it. I say ouch, and then forgive. I don’t forget. I am shocked at my families reactions, and they me. But hey, families get upset? But love grounds us, DNA marks us, and its God that keeps us trying, even if we fail again and again. DNA draws us together to overcome our misunderstandings, and love keeps us going.
Its hard adjusting to that elephant in the room. For me it was Linda, for Linda it is Mama Jean. As she looks at me and see something else she can’t quite place, its Mama Jean in me that she can’t place. She speaks within me. She is inside this child Linda made, trying to bridge the gap. And Mama needs to get that. As I go see Mama she turns Mama Jeans child away now, not her mistake, but Mama Jeans precious gift. And Mama Jean is a bit grieved about the reception of her master piece being treated like she has. And I just wanted to put that out there as a factor to be considered.
Change is scary. But we need to do it anyway.
Thanks for diving deep with me today