As I sit by my fire taking in another Christmas with me and Mama like this, I count my blessings. I mean at least she alive. And I can at least drive up and fight with her about this. I am blessed that she has shown me her truth at long last.
It’s not easy, but that’s life. I can’t go back into anything. But I am inside her and yet not with her. My pain has touched her deeply. And she shows me how I looked when it hit me at such a young age. Fear was there. And Mamas got fear all over her. Confusion and anger where there when I was relinquished. And Mama’s all jacked up by my truth. Not really what I thought would happen?
Mama said she was over it all. So, coming clean should not have upset her so? Or so I thought. But it appears she’s not really over ya like she said. Guys. It’s plain as day. I mean she’s totally blown away. Like no words to even address it. She’s angry at me and I ask why? Why is my Mama angry at me? And not with me? This happened to her girl and she’s kicking me for speaking up?
I write my crazy shit her to show other Adoptees it can be done. I show us all that we can get free to be who we are after it’s all said and none and the ink has dried. Each adoptee has a family prior to their new family. And that change matters to us, the Children who’s stories have been written over. We care about our first story. It’s a part of the whole story. And without it w flounder around trying to find solid ground to stand on. People may say this or that, but is it true? Does it feel real? Or is there something else that’s there and yet covered somehow?
I write to show you that your story matters and your struggle matters very much. What is a life without a story? And adoptee, you have a story to tell. Tell it all so folks can get it. It takes time. It takes knowing yourself and being in touch with your deepest feelings to do. And how can any of us get to the root of our pain unless we get real? I write to inspire you to weave your web, so you can live. And I write to break the stereo type so we can do the edits needed. Because our truth refutes all said about it. I want to thanks those who share here. I want to say welcome. And I want more to do so, because it shows our numbers are real and that others are waking up to those feelings that got buried alive so long ago. Speak up. Speak out. Christmas’s is hard on us who have lost our families. I am here shining my light on this day to show you, your boy really alone. We all are here in the dark. Let’s us our voices Pierce the darkness that surrounds us so a light can illuminate us all standing here wanted to be seen. Merry Christmas’s. And if it’s not merry? Then that’s ok. I’ll love you anyway. God bless. And thanks for diving deep with me.