I am getting it from all sides. My children give it to me. Chelsie’s not talked me in forever. DAVID tells me I don’t make time for him first thing in the morning. I cry in the mornings about lost love from my own Mama. And theses Mamas can’t help me. Nope. They are just not educated or equip to help me, they only know what they know. And learning about me is just not interesting to them this late In The game. They got what they wanted. It’s my problem not theirs.
It’s funny and yet not. That my son tells me I am distant. He’s a Virgo, just like Mama Linda. And he kind of keeps me posted on my Mamas status. Whatever comes out of his Mouth, usually shows me where Mamas head is at. It’s kind of strange and yet a comfort. It’s painful at times. He says some messed up Shit. And it shows me that we all are scattered to the wind. Stiffed like wheat and thrown to the wind.
Our family is very disconnected and still connected. Mentally we are separate and have our own ideas. My kids and I have never known biological love, except from me. And well, Mama says that I am a mess. So it seems she says it’s my fault that we are all scattered. Strange way to look at it. She told herself that and now tells me. But I go to the root. She is the root. And our root is poisoned by an idea that’s not Gods idea at all, but mans solution to a problem that we made up about how Children should come into this world. Fear creates this idea called adoption.
Woman without children don’t have to deal with their inability to conceive, and those who conceive without a license or commitment, can be free of the stigma a child born that was brings. Sad. Woman even think like this. I am tired of a world like this. It’s not fair to us, the child removed and rearranged to have to live in such a prison. Away from our own Mamas because they bought a lie and now are in prison themselves.
My Mamas live in their own world. I fit in or don’t. And yet I am connected to them Both. And yet separated by constructs if the mind that block them from seeing our Connection is ill. And that it is affecting me and my children profoundly. Mama can’t see her own actions contribute to my children’s dismay about me. As she feeds Chelsie the poison she has eaten since my birth and causes our family pool to Become stagnant. Without fresh water, w all wither.
Our spirit as a family is ill if we are like this. I include myself. And after 25 years together or reunited e struggle to find solid Ground to build on. If my Mamas can’t make the switch in thinking, I’ll have to Go on and cope. And I wish to thrive. But it takes work that no one in my family wants to do. That is what I see. What do they see? Well, from my vantage point? It’sNot a good thing they see with me. Is t that sad? After all this time. After living a life without the stigma of me, Mamas no better. No closer to God than before if she sees me as an enemy.
This is a rough narrow road I take. And many have their own ideas about what I do and many don’t like it. I stir the pot or pool that’s become stagnant and they don’t like the fresh water I pour in from my experiences. They, family, say I poison them and yet don’t see, I only point to the poison that is. I am the light from experiences to show them the way out of this stagnate pool of thought.
But cutting the ties that bind us to such a thing makes everyone unstable. But hold on. Doesn’t god have us? When we cut away the old Chains that bound us this way? Does not God extend a net to catch us? Is not God in all Change? Alpha and omega. Beginning and the end. Is not Gods holy cord holding us all? Would Not God want us to all succeed here? Together? For we are all tethered here together, I am the child that Binds us all here. And I really don’t enjoy Being the center of this set point. But. I am. At the center, pulling us back together the in mind as well as spirit.
My family thinks they are fine without me. But Mamas not fine if she can’t even visit with me in peace and discuss things and come to a greater understanding of each other now, after the fact. After adoption. I guess Mama wants ignorant so she Can have bliss, while I take the heat. Because I am ruined beyond recognition. She ruined me evidently. And I ruined my kids. And I ruin everything. Sure feels like That’s How she feels when my sisters hot breath is blown in my face as she spews her unwelcome message at me as I sit and try to talk to our Mama. She cock blocks me from my own Mama. As if some vagrant who’s wandered into her Home Begging for something that Not mine.
But they say, “once a Mama, always a Mama”. So. Guess that how it is. I suck. Because my moms suck. So my kids suck. So silly. It’s not over. Failure is giving up. And my family has given up on us all. What a testimony. What a glory to god. What a crock.
I am only dishing what’s been dished at me, so Mamas can see what I deal with because of their Choice. Adoption should be a win win.
But it’s not. Today. Tomorrow? Maybe. But this work is done with the mind. For adoption is an idea in the mind. And they say it’s love. But in the end. It’s just rejection of a child can’t comeHome after she has served her time for her Crime of being born to a woman who didn’t want a baby.
Thanks for diving deep with me today.