Growing up was a task. And I got a lot of shit for being like I am. And not like everyone else. Being adopted is much like being gay. You grow up and have to identify with the way those who raise you are and recognize and nurture the self within that cake from that. I was adopted. I was another woman’s child being raised by someone outside our gene pool. I had to try to identify with them. I had to try to fit in or at least get training on how to function in this new world I now was a part of.
And with the tool I came with, which my Mama gave me from her own self, my tools were different. Mine were of a partial nature. I became instinctual. I observed the customs and practiced them, but did not fully embrace them. They all felt strange without Mama. And holidays didn’t really make me happy. Because Mama wasn’t there. No one saw it. It’s was my little secret that would become to big to carry.
I played the game. Until Mama Came back. Do this. Do that. And yet I waned to accept what was given me. I really did. And yet. Something inside me blocked me from that end. My instinct would not let Mama go. Because Mama was my muse. Mama was my strength to endure. Mama was my focal point to even get up. I had to grow up to find Mama and get the answers my body needed to lay this to rest. This secret love I have for a woman who gave me away. Such a strange love. Yet I was transfixed . It’s was more like locked and loaded. And my mind could only hold me so long, before my body would break the tether and would run like hell to Mama.
Yet when God helped me find her, she was not there anymore it seemed. The woman I once knew was gone. Or was she? Was she gone or only trapped within? So I tested her. Here. With words connected to emotions I shared with her. I’d do not realize it at first. But I was warring with her mind that had trapped the woman I have loved and lived for years, within her. I was knocking on her hearts door. I am now yelling in the streets for all to hear.
Maybe, someone will help me now. Now that I can speak about it. Maybe God will grant me my desire, now that I have come clean and told it. I have crucified my flesh that wanted to hide this and be a good little adopted girl. That me is gone. I need her no more. Because I am not ashamed for continuing to love a woman that did this to us. No. I will not. I may be disappointed and discouraged. But that will pass. It always does. This fire won’t go out. It’s eternal and sacred. I will not defile it any longer by saying it is not so. I love her deeply.
And I am done taking shit for how I am. Deal with it. Help me. Or shut the fuck up. And I am done taking shit about going to see my own Mama! Our shit is our shit. Fuck off sisters!! You guys act like Mamas some Dresden doll. For God sake she gave her own child away. Liz at least should get that. She’s hurt already. I am working to help her see why. It’s not me. I’ll tell ya that. She hurts within. Where she hid her love for me. And it’s time for that love to come out and find it’s way to me and mine to get. That’s healing.
You all don’t know code. Mama loves my visits. I add the spices she needs to pep her up and validate her in ways you all can’t. Just my touch helps her and makes her feel real love that she forgot was there. I show her the beauty in who she was when she gazes into my blue eyes my Daddy gave me. To remind her of God’s Love for her. My Daddy’s loves her. It’s May have been misunderstood in him but is brought full circle in me. I say what he could not. From the heart his body helped build.
Mama needs to see the love of that man in me to complete and transform a cycle she has been in. Victoria, Mamas in my cycle. I have not blocked her like you all. I stayed connected so I could come back to nurses her back to her whole self. Including me. So. You made fun of Mama that day you called us both Crazy baby girl. Yep. I am going her what you can not. Truth. So she can be set free. My truth sets her free to BE MY MAMA. like she has always been.
And I keep coming to prove to her I am constant and committed. And that I love her despite all this we are sorting out. I have faith in love even when it tastes like hate. These things we have said have been truth. Our truths. And we swing our swords of truth to find our ultimate truth dearie. Mama and me are setting each other straight. That woman loves me more than you can even comprehend.
I am done taking your shit and pop shots sisters get in the new line, behind me. I love you enough to stand up to your raggedly asses on here. In front of the world. So. I must know something you don’t. Because Mamas letting me go on and on. And still let’s me in her house and makes me coffee! She’s matter than you realize! I am proof of that. She knows scripture. I know scripture. And practice it. She see that. Oh yeah.
If you all think your raggedly asses can stop me. Oh. Your daft as hell. Mamas calling me home with her heart. She’s begging me to break her out of her prison. Her soul Calls to me daily and we wrap together for us. Gods ways are not our ways. I follow God. Narrow. And straight to the heart. Mamas heart. Christmas is coming.
I know what Mama wants. Do you? It better be near the tree this year. 25 years is a long time to wait for such a gift. And she better get it. You all need to make sure of that. It’s on you now. Your in the way. And you now need to fix it. Pronto. Sounds demanding. Yep. Just like Mama.
You all know where to find me. I’ll be waiting for a call or invite. It’s time we crawled over this mountain. I am a goat. So. Follow me. Gods leading. Follow God and not fear. Fear is not of God. Faith can not grow in fear. Love wins. Always.
And loves knocking on the door.
Thanks for diving deep with me today.
While I work to talk sense into my family.