I was born from a woman who had no room in her in. All she had to give me was made from her flesh and bones. She also gave me a wild meet and greet, we call that pregnancy. And I got to know her world first. And after birth, I took all she gave me and ran with it. Many things I took were fear based. Because she was scared. Another was anger. Towards men who do this to woman. And also towards the woman who fall prey for not seeing.
And from that vantage point I have looked at the world. Through eyes of a child who was created from that place and sent to another very different place. When you come from a painful piece of your Mother Units psyche; which is all of her pain, it affects your view. You see the world differently. More completely. With pain mixed into it all. And really there is nothing here that does not have pain in it.
My Mama removed me. And felt that removing the object created would kill the pain. And I am proof that it only moved the pain to me alone. And when I came back, the pain in me touched the pain in her. She lied to herself when she thought it was ok to do me like that. But I see better than she what was done by her. And for a while I got used to carrying the stigma of her choice. I got used to the weight of what she gave me when she left me holding my own bag that she filled with shit. But no more. I may have been her mistake. But I am no mistake. God does not make mistakes.
And if she wants to keep wallowing in that old mess, we’ll wallow away. Because I am not ther anymore. I grew up with a heavy weight that made my back strong enough to turn it away from that. But not before I told her why. She turned her back on me. I found her. Turned her around and let her take a good long look at exactly what she did that day and what I did what it. Which in the end was to throw it back at her. That’s what you do what shit your done with. Or at least me.
And all I ever took was that. A
Body filled with pain and regret and remorse. I felt it deeply. And I choose to face that and to set it straight. I chose to regret nothing. Now. It made me who I am. But make No mistake. It was not easy to get here. And yes. I reminisce and go there to remember how far I have come now. And yes. I did it here. To mark the place where I laid it down. With respect to each detail. For my child within deserves that honor for what she went through for her Mama’s.
So if I spilled some pain on you excuse me. I was filled to the brim with all my Mamas pain she left me with. Our last time together was a ripping. Our birth experiences was an ending that tore my heart up. But I can only carry pain so long. No one even knew I had this pain down deep. And after years of calling it something else, I could no longer keep acting like it never happened like my other triad partners.
My Mama gave me the boot. And no one even gave a shit. Except me. So. If my truth takes her peace, well so be it. It’s my turn to be free from her stigma. She wants it this way? She doesn’t get me. Because if she could do this to her own flesh and then not own it? What’s the use? But I needed to make sure. I love a life with no regrets. And I have spoken my truth to set myself free from some idea that seems to have not really changed a thing. mamas still lying. And that is sad. Mothers matter. Mine matter.
But we must operate within truths boundaries. I have been lied to for years about myself, in the form of withholding my birth truth and family in formation by law. People have painted their own scenes over me and lived out their dreams at my expense. At my ignorance. And left me ignorant to suit their own needs and not satisfy my need for family.
so. Excuse me for taking from my Mama what she gave me and sharing it with the world. The world needs to know what was taken from me too.