Let’s face it. Staring a blog to tell your Mamas how you feel is a bold move at best. And just plain crazy at worst. I mean, as you can see, and read, I had a lot to get off my chest. Things I struggled for years to find the words to say. Because they just were not happy and I just simply could not dress them up. They would loose their affect if watered down and flowered up.
We kids hate to disappoint our Mamas. And adopted kids have more than one. And it’s a really co placated job. Trying to tidier our how to make them both proud while neither of them even talk. And yet work side by side for our highest good. And yet we struggle to find words in a world that scripts us to be compliant and polite. How can we be authentic and original with such restrictions placed upon us as woman and men adopted?
I had a lot to tell my Mamas about the dark side of adoption. For that, is where the child is placed. In the dark. And our only lights are from God within our parents of assignment. All of them aging light on who we can be. And my bio Mama was withheld from my view, except within myself. She reflected back at me as I looked into the mirror and asked it who am I? This or that? Must I pick a side?
But Mamas have thought jobs that tell them to be tough and teach us to be tough. And that’s a lot! We go into Motherhood with the tools we have had modeled before us growing up and the nature’s that are passed down from those we, our bodies come from. I am not sure what happened with my Mama and why she really chose to give me away to another? I am perplexed and dismayed that a Mama can ever withstand doing that to what came from her.
It boggles the mind to think of such a gift? How does a woman’s head get to that place? And yet Mary gave her son. She could have fought for Christ. Mamas can do anything. And yet she respected his oath and trusted God. I trust God. My Mamas trust God. What is the lesson here from all that I have expressed here? I write to find my way to that answer.
As I debate this and that about my families reactions and learn of who I came from, and who I have become for lack of these things. I see the behaviors in myself. And the feeling is quite delicious. To see another act as you do, even in the slightest way. Even if anger is all you yourself see their. It’s real. And the body longs to see all that it can of Home. It’s like rain on a dry sponge. We soak it up. Me, myself, and I.
I was thinking about how my kids don’t tell me shit. And then wonder why I am out to lunch about them. I expect my kids, because I taught them by action and deed to be as truthful as possible. And to be authentic. I wanted them to be truthful and honest. I did this, Because it was so hard functioning well with all I was missing in my life that others took and take for granted. A family. People that act as I did.
Even meeting my Dad for such a short time had a settling affect on my body that is hard to explain. Unless you have even experienced the loss that Adoptees suffer at relinquishment, it is almost ImPossible to even get your head space there. Who wants to go there? No one. And yet Adoptees go there each adoption. It’s like amputation and yet not really because you are still connected. And yet not completely.
How can society expect such a high expectation of us the children? It’s just so choppy. It’s not thought through well. It’s kind of limited and limiting. Like slavery, yet a nicer name. And it’s colorful and stretches all races. Mamas need to know what they do. They are our first responders. Reviews are a must for us all to be our best. And my Mamas needed to know how I felt. I mean I listened to them. And everyone else with an opinion.
And I mean, 50 years is a long enough time to go along with it. I mean, I am grown. And I have earned the weight by being born to speak about my life and how my Mamas ideas affected me. I don’t think I turned out so bad. I am way ahead of myself. And I like staying sharp. And that means many will fall from the cut. But nothing that is really yours ever misses you. I trust that. I really do.
Thanks for diving deep