Mamas are where we came from, not where we stay. And me and my Mama came from a rough patch in her road. And I don’t like leaving things the way they were. And all roads need mending now and again. Pot holes show up, heat melts the pavement. Mama had a few pot holes in her theory about what Adoption really meant to the child she relinquished.
And I feel God is the ultimate road worker. God see the holes in our road of life and send help to Patch it. To make it smoother. And God has to dig up the old road, and make it smooth again to lay new pavement. If we just think about road crews on the road as folks speed by, and how folks don’t really taking into mind the work put into making a road smooth again. Folks grumble and complain about road crews. And folks don’t like to have to slow down. They just want to go.
Mama and I met in the 60’s. Our road was rough. And it has taken me years to grow up and learn how to fix our road. So it can go smoother. There were some holes that needed some truth put into them. Truth settles it. Truth grounds it. After folks realize it. The truth can hurt, especially if we missed a turn and did not see the warning signs. Mama did not see warning signs. I guess she did not even feel a warning? Fascinating. And yet heart wrenching.
It would seem the god of this world blinded her to consider how I would feel about this switcharoonie. I did not take kindly to it that’s for sure. Yes. I coped as best I could. I went on with my heart cut half out and hanging out of my chest. And people just could not see that about me. How tender my heart was. How wounded my heart was. That my Mama could do this to me. That where I came from. That is how I felt. After she just left me there after 9 months together.
It is such a shock. It is such a devastation and a loss to loose two days after you get here. I will not report any other truth than that. That was My Beginning here on earth. Loss was my first visiter. Loss was been with me my whole life. And loss taught me A LOT. Loosing your Mama changes everything. No one gets over loosing their Mama, we just learn to live with it. And I did. Until God called me home. That’s when loss taught me how to get back something I lost.
Loss showed me the way. Pain pushed me to the edge. And God told me to jump. And to trust that the net would appear. And so I have jumped. And I have spoken what I held within. Because Mama was the one who needed to hear it. Mama need to hear what went on while she was away. And what is still going on while she blocks me.
I spin a web she can not escape. I spin a web of truth that catches all the lies. And Mama just needs to let me do what I do and watch as I do it. Because children know instinctively how to go home. Even after so much time. I still have my Mamas number. I still know her buttons. And I have pushed everyone just to prove it. I’ve fought with my Big sister to prove I am hers. Seemed kind of funny? But ok. I’ll set Victoria straight and poke at her holes. She’s way off if she even thinks I wish to hurt Mama. Way off. Because she can’t even see, mama hurt already.
Mamas got to look at what lying has done to her family. And what deceit has done to us all. My sisters have no content to grasp. Mama told no stories of me to them. I am her little secret. And the secrets out. This cats out of the bag. I am so sick of people telling me to stop talking about Mama. I could spit. It just frost me that people really think that’s possible. Oh sure. I indulge them. I go there and play the part to get them to show their dirty hand. My sister seems to think I am pathetic and some kind of deviant. Oh please. I’ve got her number too. She is my sister.
And my family can deny all they want. But when I am done, I will illustrate my point about them. Not to hurt them. But o illustrate a point that needs to be gotten. I am family. I have the keys within me to forge ahead and bulldoze these mental constructs that seem to be lacking from our foundation. I am a corner stone in this family. Without me? They are tendering. The words say the truth is a rock. So, I am back, my story is not there’s, and is a lie. So our foundations cracked and needs mending.
Can I help it that my family is ignorant to Adoption and yet so connected to it? It like dragging a rotten rag around and expecting no one to smell it? They act like it’s not there? And get the smell reeks!! They live in a bubble of mentality. Inside the bubble I am dead. Inside their bubble I am a ghost that can imagine anyway they want. But do they really know me? No. Do they want to know me? Well? No. And that. Is just ludicrous to me. It’s so limited in thinking. So shallow.
They act like they can just go on and block me and be indifferent to me? Is this how Mama raises them to act? Towards each other? Oh My? This blog Proves the point I make. No one can hide. I will not limit myself for there reputations when mine has been drug through the mud. I will not say I am sorry for blogging and making this public, to appease them. I was not appeased. I was not comforted after Mama gave me away. There was no comfort for me. No counseling for me. There was no Mama for me. I had to go on without these things, and try to succeed and be someone in this world.
So, family. Excuse me. I apologize this is soooooo rough for you. But this world is a cause and affect world. Mama sent the cause. And now she has the affect. In plain view. No stories and fairytales to comfort her any longer i do have to hand it to Mama. She’s got a strong mind to Hold onto all that she has. But why hold a Story? Why hold what now has been exposed as a lie by the child who lived that life she gave me? Those lies are rags Compared to the love of this Child. If this is not love? Well what is Love? To peel away the lies that protected Mama for my return she did not see coming. I work a miracle. I repair the rip in her heart that she has denied for years and yet is very visible to me. My sisters have become used to Mamas wound.
I came back to repair it. Get out of my way. You think I am joking. But I am not. You all need to remember. Mamas in me too. Mamas helping me get home. Mama showed me Victoria’s issues. And let me slay her ego at the kitchen table! She made ME coffee. And took my gifts. And let me slay my Big sisters ego. And confront her fears head on. Can my sister see this? Well let’s pray. Unwelcome guest my ass! I do believe I was sitting at the table after changing the table cloth and placemats when you came in? Hmmm?
Sister? What in the world has overcome you? Is that what Love would do? Well. Love was in the house. I love you. Even though you could say what you said. I love you. Even though I said what I said. Which was calling you a chicken shit. I own that. That’s my assessment. You don’t have to stay that way? Hello! Like I am your sister. Did Mama even say? After I corrected you about that fact that she is my Mama too? No. She did not. For I am her daughter. Crazy? Hell yeah. Angry? Yep. So is Mama.
We like to do things properly. And Mama is vey detail oriented. And she needs the answers I have and I hers. To bring it all together. Sure. Reunions are a messy business. But we don’t shirk our chores. We clean up Our messes. And so. If this be a mess? It needs clearing up. No blocking will help. The closet is full and gushing out. Sorting. Discarding is needed. Rearranging. Maybe the closet of Mama and my life needs some Paint? There is much that can be salvaged. Mama is good with old things that need new life. She’s figuring right now.
And I am giving her the pieces she missed along the way. Mamas can’t see everything. And that is why God brought me back too. To help Mama complete this cycle that you so rudely yelled about. I am in this cycle with Mama. And you can’t even see it. But Mama saw me. Sitting with dignity as you blew hot Breath and me. And basically made fun of her. She has this cycle all the time. But hides it. And look at you? You love her so much. And the one person who’s really giving a shit is called an unwelcome Guests? I came from that woman? Is she unwelcome too? In her own home? Hmmm? Boy SCA did nothing for you. You are a clanging symbol and a noisy gong girl.
LIKE Mama has to listen to you say that to me. And she had to hear that you felt like that about her. And I flushed it out for her. You just played right into my hand. The hand Mamas Body made. I am glad I chose to remember Mama. That’s not very smart Victoria’s. Mama see all. But says nothing. She saw your white ass on Chelsie birthday. Like. That’s why I kissed her goodbye. And left the mess. So she Could Process what just happened. Like wow!!
No hug. No coffee. Fingers wagging. Oh Mama will feed your anger and make a Nice fire to warm herself. But she’s trying to figure out a way too you dumb asses. Like what a bunch of ninnies you girls are. Leave Mama in her hour of need? No wonder she wanted a hug and a kiss and to see DAVID? That’s rough. You guys are so selfish with her. And she’s the unit leader and you all should know better. Than to treat her baby like this. Her baby! Ok? I came from her! And you all have blackballed her creation!! Wake up!
And well. Ok. Mama. I’ve told it. I’ve told the world. People need to see what Adoption did to us. Like Mama and I are connected. People are so blind. And ignorant. I have educated myself. And Mama and I were real out of date. I’ve been waiting for her to wake up. And now I am just rattling her cage she’s in. And I opened the door so she could step out into a world that I will make safe for her to be in. She has me. And honey. That’s a lot.
I don’t have any issues exposing shit that needs cleaning up nice done that for years. I imagine practicing for my big day with Mama. She like a good drama. Especially when she plays co star. Her girl knows her. Very well. And I deliver. Might take a while. But I deliver. The truth that set us free.
Thanks for diving deep with me today.