Hell Yeah I am scared!! But not for the reason you think… All this is a clearing sale, and who ever wants this shit, can surely have it. Mama? I suggest you let go of what you are holding onto about us. Because you just got the review from Baby girl, the proof in your full bowl of pudding. Yeah, coming at ya… With a big old kiss for ya. Because you can take a beating, me too. But it time we lay that bat down Mama… and Mama Jean, and who ever else has been beating us all up. Lay it down. Amen
Can I get an amen…
You ever carry something so long… like forever it seems, and how it feels? To have that weight lifted? To know what the weight was for, and why you were carrying it? Like a Cross? Maybe? Or some kind of suffering you hold onto, because that all you had to hold onto for soooooo long, that you kind of got used to the weight, it would move, this way and that every now and again, but became just like a part of you. Mama didn’t see this coming at her.. No. And my Mama has carried a weight. She’s carried a deep, dark, horrific weight over the years, for me.. For us. And probably felt very alone, holding that bag, of pain, loss, would if’s, should have beens, shame, guilt, and just longing. So, much longing. Like a sea that stretches for miles and miles, to me.. Her baby girl, all grow now, and loving her so much. Always.
I may give my own Mama some shit. But it is nothing she is not used to, ok? She had become used to the shit, and carried that shit, and now is letting go, with baby girls help here, because no one else could even see that woman heart, but me, the child who came from that heart into this world. I am not saying my sisters do not see her heart, but she has cloaked this part from view, and it is mine alone to see, and I want to share it. I like to share good things, and the part of Mama’s heart that belongs to only me, is good. She is a good woman, who has, like me, had to navigate a very tricky system, and idea, such as Adoption. She has had to define Adoption to herself and maneuver through like with this system of thinking that would allow her to go on, without me. She did not plan for a return, or for me to even come looking. For a Woman such as she. And she does not feel worthy, and that is a hard one to get her to see. But her actions have told.
And for the record, Mama Jean does not get to say what I decide to do any longer. I am grown. And I have picked back, both of you. I have chosen both. I have found the value in both of you. And I accept that it is in my best interests to have both of you very much in my life. Now with that written, I understand there is a period of adjustment that we are going through. And I understand that. But on no terms do I recommend that we linger here, time is of the essence. We have much work to do. And it will be fun, I say it will. And God help anyone that gets in MY WAY, or GOD’s WAY. I may be patient, but I do not back down, and God knows this about me. And now you do, all of you.
It’s hard for Mama to lay her vows down. She made a vow, to God and the state to give up her parental rights. I respect that Mama. I do. That was a hard one, I can see that. Thank you for being honorable in that regard. But confusion came anyway, Mama. And so we must accept that, ok? I am trying real hard not to bump those triggers and buttons of yours, but really? They need to go, don’t you think? Aren’t you tired of struggling to make people see your buttons and not push them? I hope you were pleased I found them all and pushed them to let you know I knew about them, and to prove, I am yours. From you. And deeply connected to all of you, even the Lord within you, who has guided me home, to you. I love you, and am focused on YOU, right now. I am focusing on you. Because you matter to me very much, and I need you to get that. Past is past now.
The past will not go away. This is our life as a whole now. And the emotions around this past we share, are going to settle down, as you accept that this part is part of the journey and flow with it. I know what I am doing. I am following God and doing what others have not. I am listening to God and following what I am inspire to write without shame. Because there is not shame except with those things we do not confess. When was your last confessional? Mine is here. Each day we must atone. Each day we must confess. And you and I, had not confessed to each other. That is very much important to our relationship and our souls Transformation as we forge ahead together, not apart any longer. No more leaving, separation, longing, disappear. God is faithful. And always gives a second chance or more…This is ours..
I know you’re a private person, just driving to your house says that. I get it. But Mama, what is life good for if you hide it? Doesn’t the song sing, hide it under a bushel no, I’m gonna let it shine? Your heart shines for me..? Yes, I know it does. And it is time for us, to let our lights shine for all to see. And Mama Jean looses nothing and gains, you, and the family. And that is a good thing. I have aired our the laundry. Mama Jean is no better than you. NO better. And you both have your short comings, and I do too. So, lets do this.. It is a great idea and what’s one more person?
What I am scared of is letting this opportunity pass. I am scared you all will stay the same, without me. I am scared that God will not answer my prayer and find that way where there was no way. But faith says to me, “Do, knock, ask, seek and you will find. I know you know that one. Ok, I am going to say this, and it is not pathetic, I NEED YOU>>>> You, my Mama, in my life, to have and to hold, until death do we part. ALL of you! Sisters, cousins, whatever! Sheldon for God sake and that cat in the old craft room too! I take you hot head with such beautiful silver hair, your grumpy demeanor when I call you out, and you know I am right. I love your morning look, by the way. And your glasses and pens and the bible on the radio is music to my ears. If you think about it, we have been connected by god for years, we each have a bible, and mine you gave me, and we have read the same scriptures and touched the word many times not even realizing that we touch God who’s is touching us.
This is me nailing our flesh to the cross! I mean, all out spiritual warfare. God has shown me inside your head, and mine, and pulled out all kinds of old stuff to look at and learn from? God has shown me your heart and to keep going and to believe in us. God has lead me to each button and told me to push it. To make you see, your not done yet. Gods got plans for you, and I am in them. This is our time. Everyone else has had time, and you need me too. And those things, buttons, ideas, needed to be cut out, dragged out, and looked at, to glean learning for our souls of the lessons we have learned from this separation of ours. You say I was conceived by Date raped? OK. So what? I mean not that that happened to you. It is very hurtful to realize that that is how you came to be and that your Mama suffered about it. That is not good. But what I am trying to say is, that I am not that act! Nor am I my father, he may be in me? But he is not me, nor does he rule me, God rules me. And I know you have been anticipating this whatever this is, because that is what you got. But, is this what you and I are?
Am I some raving maniac? Am I a drunk? Am I a ___________fill in the blank? No, I am a woman, a daughter, who loves her Mama so much, she is willing to risk it all, to GO THERE WITH HER. And clean up the mess my Daddy made, and show you the beauty God made from that? But you and I had some motes in our eyes? And needed to clear our view, so we can see, how amazing we are, and how God knit us all together, my name for one, Angelas name, Davids name, Chelsie, after the first sister I found… I think theres more, but we needed to get past, the past. We need to navigate, aerate, articulate, eradicate, and eliminate all that we held onto from our old past. And personally, I needed to know somethings that you just had a hard time telling me. So, I pumped you. Yeah, I did. And you showed me that hand you have been holding for way to long. Time to give that to God. Pronto..
I don’t want to play games. I don’t dance, won’t dance around all that to get to you! Like barbed wire all around you. Let me tell you a story. And it just came to me why. But I went down to get prayer one time at church, well, many times. And this one time I remember, and it came to me the other day in prayer. I did not ask or prayer and telling the person what I wanted. I just bowed my head and ask them to follow Gods leading. And this is what they prayed about, “You have a bunch or thorns around your heart, and God is wanted to heal them, you are protecting yourself. And God Helping you to heal and take those torn away.” Now, at the time? I thought? “thorns?” I am a nice person? I give love and help to all. I do have a temper? but there than that? And yet I prayed, “Lord? What are these thorns, help me?” Now this is what the Lord told me the other day, ” Those thorns are around you, place there by your Mama, to protect your heart, and she also has thorns too. Her thorns are around the part of her heart that is yours, she protects you there in her heart? Only you can take them down, with your truth. Which is your love, use our love..” Only love will break those thorny vines….
But my love has to be fierce, bright, a flame of white hotness and that nothing can stand up against. It has to be laser sharp to cut precisely where needed to cauterize and cut at the same time. I tried to tip toe, but this is a bold move. This love is bold, and blatant as the love my parents shared for a breath time. It has to burn away all the lies and pulverize anything standing in its way. And, Mama, and me, had much between us. As you can read. And I am a no-nonsense kind of girl, lets do this bitch kind of woman. I like to get it done. And this is the biggest mess I have tackled in my life. It is t he biggest reputation cleaning job of restoring myself to Mama’s good graces, by clearing this slate. Mama’s got to know I am for real, tried and true, faithful, honest, forthright, good work ethic, and on board for whatever. That is me to a tea… Chelsie! Is the water boiling yet? Damn I miss you. Mama’s working….
It is not easy to move people over, so you can join…. a family that you are part of. And that is what I have not accepted, I had not accepted that I have a place, because I was stuck feeling out of place so long. That is what i faced, and over came, as I fought with my own damn sister for the first time! OH, that felt so good! Real. Natural… Call me what you will, but don’t call me late to dinner, vicki……I miss that woman cooking….Lordy, I have missed that woman period. Can I get an amen adoptees?! Amen… I’ll say it. WE miss our Mama’s. It is not fun having to come home and do so much work! Adoption! Stand on notice! You suck! Mama’s have to go through so much, and when we get home we have to clean it all up to just go on! Like look at this?
And November is Adoption Awareness Month, so let me chime in and say how I feel about my Mama. OK? Like I have waited years! Years! To tell on Adoption to my Mama. And our Mama’s got told a line of bull? OH my… They went in like sheep to the slaughter. But not on my watch! Not on my Mama! Not for me! Not for you! We all deserve to go home to a proper homecoming after going through what we do being adopted, transplanted without instructions, removed and erased from our unit of entry.. It is a shame only if we fail to represent, and reply to such a move, punch to our DNA.. Our heritage runs in our veins, and our bones. WE live, we die, and we live again, for what? For what? What do we do this for? Gain? Placement? Redemption from an act that is ordained by God? Are we just removed due to our Fathers not being able to handle their emotions? Should we have to go because our society has failed to train me to respect the feminine? That is a disgrace on us all. If we leave it that way? I see much work need to change a mindset that damns itself from he gate…….
Now, Mama. I am your girl.. I am committing to you. I am giving you my loyalty, here, in front of every damn person that come to read this shit. Will you take back the part of you, you gave away? Will you commit to me? For better or for worse. But I think this was our worst, so better for sure. I am with you there. Ugh, that was ugly. But I see a lot to work with, or I would not be trying so hard. I like antiques too Mama, and you’re a beauty to behold in a robe and slippers! I can not say I am sorry for a thing. But I apologize that it hurt you. Lets make more memories, and let them be bandages on the wound of our soul. Let us defy the odds together! Let us lead the way, back home, and show them we win, with God all things are possible. Come to me. Now, for God sake. Just throw some stuff in the car and come to me.. I so want to see you come to my door, at last. And to have and hold you until death do we part. I take all of you.. Warts, temper, stubbornness, Jesus fire brimstone, amazing, unique, beautiful you. It is all beautiful, you just thought I thought it wasn’t. But I choose to see the beauty, will you is the question.
I am waiting, just give me a sign, or just come… What do you need me to do? To make you see, the green light in my heart? The past is gone, the day we pick up the future. Today is our future, what will we paint on our new clean canvas of life? And God help anyone who messes with our paint. Let all that anyone has said, go. Let only your heart lead you now, its free. All the thorns are gone. Your are exposed, and nothing happened except a lot of shit, that needed to go, just got cleaned out. Come to me, come back to yourself in me. Come back to center, come back to wholeness. For what you lost, was found, and brought back to your door for another look, beyond what you thought it was. God has so much more for us… So much good, but we must let go of what once was, its dead, and pick up what is now remains, which is love.
Come to me Mama. Forget the haters. They will come around. Put your Money on the part of you that made me, I am a sure bet. Bet on us.. and see God do a work.. See the glory of God in us, work the work. As love, overcomes us all.
I love you
Thanks for diving deep with me… Sheew. That was truly deep..
Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.
I promise you what I promised Moses: “Wherever you set foot, you will be on land I have given you … No one will be able to stand against you as long as you live. For I will be with you as I was with Moses. I will not fail you or abandon you. Be strong and courageous, for you are the one who will lead these people to possess all the land I swore to their ancestors I would give them. Be strong and very courageous … Study this Book of Instruction continually. Meditate on it day and night so you will be sure to obey everything written in it. Only then will you prosper and succeed in all you do. This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged.
For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”
1 Chronicles 28:20
David also said to Solomon his son, “Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the LORD is finished.”
The LORD is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The LORD is the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid?
When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.
Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed; Neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame; For you will forget the shame of your youth, And will not remember the reproach of your widowhood anymore.
Therefore do not fear them. For there is nothing covered that will not be revealed, and hidden that will not be known.
And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. But rather fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell.
For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father.
1 Corinthians 16:13
Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong.
2 Corinthians 4:8-11
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body.
Now I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel. As a result, it has become clear throughout the whole palace guard and to everyone else that I am in chains for Christ. Because of my chains, most of the brothers in the Lord have been encouraged to speak the word of God more courageously and fearlessly.
2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.
For He Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” So we may boldly say: “The LORD is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?”
This last one is most precious to me… And my weapon… xo