The thing that I have experienced being adopted, and that I work to overcome is the feeling that I just don’t fit in anywhere unless I play the game. And by the game I mean, by each person rules. Mama Jeans got her rules. And by rules I mean script. I must not mention or talk about Mama Linda to her or even share about advocating about Adoption. And I must not ask questions of Mama Linda and even act or show any pain or dismay to her either. I must play nice and stuff all my feelings she has no time for that. And people don’t get me when I share about my life and so I must stuff. I am misunderstood all day. And even my husbands family has failed to get me too.
I feel like a bucket of everyone’s shit. Sloshing all over the place. Oozing all over everyone’s pretty paintings and I welcomed for doing so. Ive gotten no help from anyone with these emotions and feelings of mine. I look for help each day. And try my best to be a good person. And yet the slop spills out. No matter how I try to hide it or contain it. And I am tired of a life so confined by everyone’s else’s wishes. I have my own. How do I obtain them? Truth set us free? And yet I am shunned for speaking truth it hurt Mamas feelings. Poor Mama. What about me? Or poor us as a family.
Many of the people I know don’t get me. And Adoption has had a profound affect on me. I am still accessing that affect because I’ve not really had anyone I could bounce my feelings off to find the bottom of my feelings about it. This blog does help, because I can come here and vent all my jumbled feelings and voice my deepest Confusions that stem from so many conflicting stories. I feel very alone in this endeavor. And yet know that I am not. That many like me are out there trying to find their way. It angers me. And anger keeps me moving to bring the change we need. To listen and learn about others like me so we can find a better way. Angers not bad. It just tells you when you need to go or stay, or do something about it.
I found out after blogging that Mama Linda was just enduring me. And from my sister that I still am an Unwelcomed guest. My other sisters have shunned me and want nothing to do with me as Mama told me On our last visit. They made fun of me and poked at the freak they think I am. The family clown of my Mamas making. I told my big sister she was a chicken shit. She called me a Cunt, in front of my son, her nephew of sorts. DAVID wants nothing of them. And I find that so strange and hurtful. And thought I came from a Christian family? Chelsie told Mama Linda that I told her horrible things about her. And all I did was share my struggle. It’s hard to hide pain and grief when your Mamas gone mad and no one can see that.
I found out that Mama Linda said God gave her peace about me. Even though I give her no peace. She’s at peace with her decision and continues on without me, without a care in the world. I am not her problem. Even though I came from her. I am alone. Abandoned. Again. No grace for me, but Mama’s got grace. She’s fancy free and doesn’t need some raggedy Old daughter coming around for God know what she thinks I want from her? Love? Acceptance? Redemption. And for god sake, don’t even show up uninvited. Or you’ll get it.
I was talking to Mama Jean about the people that tweeted and what I had tweeted about Adoption trying to help Folks see? She did not even acknowledge or ask questions, she just began talking about what she wanted to talk about as if I had said nothing. Isn’t she my friend? Aren’t Mamas friends? Don’t they truly care about the person they raise? I listen to my kids. I feel that being a real good Mama is to attain friendship after training. That a respect grows between you and your child and you come to a new plateau of friendship. For they are not mine per say. They are their own and I am just a guide. My Mama guided me away.
Now by friendship I don’t mean friendly. I mean honesty. Transparency. And a place where communication is mutual and reciprocal. We help each other by telling the truth and helping each other see any blind spots and share fun times with each other. I have hated not being able to share in this manor with mine. But my truth no one wants to hear. I am out of order.
And it fascinates me. That Chelsie loves my Mama so, cuz she helped her so much. And that’s great. I am truly grateful she helped Chelsie. But Chelsie Could care less about how Mama Linda treats me? That’s not a friend in my book. So she and I have not reached that plateau yet. And I’m loosing faith we ever will. She seems to be under Linda’s spell and can’t even see how she treats, and let her children treat me. Her Mama. Her guide. Her friend. I’ve helped that girl. More than she even see right now I imagine. She helped me at one time too. But those days are gone. And Adoption takes away from me again and again. Slicing me up into pieces.
And treatment is also a thing for Mama Linda and Mama Jean. They want to be treated as if, well the other ones not there and that nothing horrid happened with me. It’s so, limited in scope. It’s like they will Surly fall apart if I dare to own my pain and show them. They want to white wash me. And that’s just not gonna happen. Everyone’s loosing right now in our triad camp. And I am trying to show them that we can be honest and share our feelings and that that act alone brings the relief and release we all seek.
If adoptions for the child. Which in my case it kind of wasn’t. Each Mama had a dream. One wanted me gone, or dead. And one Mama just wanted a child. She was desperate I guess. And I let her down. I was not the prize, or blank slate she could draw on, I had something underneath that kept peeking out and bleeding through all that she slathered all over me. And if this makes me a bad person to them to be honest and work through these feelings here where I have found a place to speak? Well ok. I feel like I’ve been patsy’s clown my whole Life. Like a slave to my Mamas Bidding. And that I must play by their rules. Or else. Emotional with draw. Which is how they do. No emotional support. Only for them. I must support there emotional support. Cuz god help us all if I break rank. And save myself.
And how dare I go home. How dare I go back to that woman who abandoned me and want to see her face to face. And look into her eyes and see where I came from. How dare I dare to bridge this gap they have me stretched over and tear me apart by being as polar in their thinking to. think that I would not have dreams too. I do have dreams and two Mamas who have their own dreams. And my dreams are not that Important to two woman who want what they want that they don’t see me in between trying to fulfill them. I am tired of being a slave to this kind of mentality.
I want a world where folks talk and work through things. Not a world we’re folks hide or go into rooms to share and file there thoughts away where no one gets better or sees. It’s hard to tell the dream I have. Because this world is very polar in the thinking here. This side or that. And I have always been in the middle. I have not gotten my dreams yet, I am just a character in the play of my families life and not real at all. They can’t see me. And love me. The real me. They don’t know how. MAKES ME WANT TO CRY. AND I HATE CRYING BUT KNOW IT HELPS.
I don’t even know if anyone can understand what I try to say here. I know what I am trying to say and create context for. And at 54 I’ve held a lot in. And when it come back out? It doesn’t always make sense. Because folks are in their own world in side their head and don’t want anyone messing with that world like me. But they can’t see, how they messed with me.
Thanks for diving deep with me today.