And this blogs is me going there, unedited, raw, sloppy, confusing is the way for this Adoptee on her travel through a very dark, ignorant, and many times painful journey to my own home within. And after talking to so many people about this touchy, emotionally surrounded, and many times charged subject that is my life’s work, with confusion and misunderstandings that kept me without the answers I have sought to calm my child within who lost someone along the way as she became Chosen and felt so thrown away.
As I write it all out here, the Air in my mind is Cleared and I see how much a Mama meant to me. And I validate myself as I share my unedited at last, truth. And educate Mama about the cause and affect of adoption from my unique lived experiences. We all have a child within that remembers. And if we sit still and let the pain rise up, for me, she Spock. And unlike every adult she talked to so long ago? I listened and wrote her scrambled words and fragmented thoughts out for all to see what Adoption gave me.
Adoption for me was like a shot to the language part of the brain. As I had already learned a language while inside my Mamas womb, and now had to try to just forget that language and go on and learn again. But, forgetting the first things you learn? Well, isn’t possible. I can not erase what I learned in that dark place. I had to somehow make it all work. And to combined the two languages. Like spanglish. As I speak both at the same time.
I am a combination of two families and yet feel outside of them both. As I observe and watch. I have learned a lot about the family dynamic and how to fit into such a complex matrix that God creates and we recreate with adoption. As I witness my own family and how they try to live on without me even though I am a part of them and am exiled in this way. I see how Adoption disrupts the natural flow. I see Mama not in touch with her own self and so is out of touch with me, a piece of her she set free.
So. After 20 + years of what we call reunion and is not, I came out with it. And just shared myself at an incredible risk of exposure to ignorance in its deepest form. I did this to show, folks what’s inside my head about it. My truth shines the light on what is only beginning to be expressed from the Adoptees side and view. Mama did not like that. Neither did or do I. Coming clean and out about a subject so surrounded by what we think is Love is a difficult things to do.
I feel like Adoption surrounds a subject that is love with psychosis and psychotic imaginings that take the child Hostage to a strangers dream of who they want us to be and not who we truly are. We are the children who were deemed by society to need fixing and our parents left on the side of life’s road as unfit or unworthy and unprepared for such a task as to love a child that came, To them first. Why?
Why did God send us to them? And why do we search for them? And why do some Not search? And why do they not see themselves in us? We are seeking redemption and Home? And I get all that go within stuff. I do. But why have an outer world at all if everyone’s inside themselves all the time? What I seek is to manifest outside what I feel inside. Which is connectedness and family. I see we all are connected. But Mama and myself are not having a good connection and it poisoning is all. And who can help or see what I do in us?
Well, I do. And I care. I care enough to speak up in this humanities class to present my life as a case study? And people seem to not like their tail feathers ruffled? They like the status quo of an illusion to just go on as is. Even though many Adoptees struggle? Like what needs to happen to get everyone’s attention is my question? When will enough be enough for us to look at the evidence that is presenting itself these days?
And that’s why I went there. Where? Into the vault of emotions I had experiences. And I let the demons free. I let my child speak what I really did not want to remember, again. To show what was within this child and what she went through. Being. Adopted.
Thanks for diving deep with me.