I miss you Chelsie

I miss you Chelsie

My heart longs for you

And yet I am no stranger to such a loss as a child

I was lost too.

What could make you act like this?

When you know the depth of my scar

What keeps you from me

And what is the key?

To the door of your heart

That you locked me

Within you

I wish to be set free from your prison of me

And to see the sun on my face again

I long to see your face too

I do

And it makes it so hard to go on

Without you here in my life

I long for your hugs

And I dream of you

But what’s made you go from me?

Death did not take you?

Or did He?

Make you die?

So I would live on without you

So I could know

What my Mama feels for me?

And yet can not utter

I miss you.

This is true.

And I guess she misses me

Or

Who

She

Thought

I was.

I love you Chelsie.

With all my heart

The part

That is always yours

My hearts door is open

For you to come charging in

And live in

Forever.

Xo

Thanks kids….

I want to say thank you to my children for enduring all that they have going through this life with me. Being adopted is not easy on the children of the adoptee. We are a strange bird after adoptions made its permanent mark upon us. We are forever different and bond by the law within to help people see that as ok.

I want to thank each of my unique children for their unique contribution to my well being and for supporting me as much as each one of them have. I appreciate each one of them and work daily to understand the gift that they are in my life and others lives.

They struggle when I struggle. And I carried a heavy weight for so long. That needed to be dumped and I did not know how. I had to find my own way. No other way worked. And being restricted for so long by my lack of words to espresso it, I wrote here. So all could see my notes and not just my kids about being Adopted. I have three born witnesses of my struggles and theirs.

And I want to thank them for their time they gave me when they came to my womb and into my life to forever change me. Children and wonderful. Even if I complain. At least I am honest. They know where I came from. And that’s more than I knew. I wanted better for them. So I kept them. Because I know how hard it is when your Mama leaves you. I came to be a Mom to some incredibly Kids who are extremely gifted.

And I am not ashamed of them for how they are. I am only honest how they are and how I feel. It is you reading this that places their own truth upon mine. And my truth is not judged by yours, but adds to yours. Everyone’s truth expands everyone’s truth. That’s why we need to share and tell each other how we really feel. Not as a sentences. But as a liberation. Truth liberates the old truth to allow the New to come in. It is therapeutic. And needed to clear the air.

I just don’t get that folks don’t get that? It took me years to compile my evidence to support the powers of the truth in setting you free. And my kids are free. Each in their own way have broken free. And are there own person. I made sure the mirror they looked into was theirs. Clean as I could get it. Cleaner now since I finally got what was upsetting me out. My own kids had to listen and deal with it always being about me.

And your right. It was all about me my whole life. Who am I? Really? Who am I to everyone. Does that take away from my kids? Well no. It shows them that I want to know them. Know all of them and to use what they go through to be better. Without feedback. Which was my whole life. One struggles to rise above the opinions of others.

Being this way is not to take away anything? But to celebrate it all. My children have taught me much. Many lessons hurt. Because they hurt and I was trying to figure out what hurt so I could help. I simply did not understand. And I guess. This morning after I talked to my oldest. I realize that I talk in circles. Around things. I evidently have a mental disability of some sort. It’s taken my children to show me that I am broken.

And now I am going to go take a walk. And cry.

Thanks for diving deep into this whirl pool.

God bless.

Whitewashing Adoption: A Critique of ‘Respectful Adoption Language’

28 Pages
Posted: 6 Jan 2013
Last revised: 8 Jan 2013
Karen Wilson Buterbaugh
Independent

Date Written: January 2, 2013

Abstract
The terminology set known as Positive or Respectful Adoption Language (RAL) has proven to be a useful tool for reframing adoption in such a way as to make it more socially palatable to the public. However, this “whitewashing” also renders invisible some “inconvenient truths” which should be held under greater social scrutiny, and dismisses the experiences of many who have been affected by this industry, particularly mothers who have been separated from children by domestic or international adoption. This paper explores RAL in order to demonstrate how the use of language globally has contributed to the industrialization of adoption and the marginalization and objectification of mothers who are separated from their children by domestic infant adoption.

Keywords: adoption, mothers, exploitation, women’s rights, women’s studies, social work, human rights, language, ethics

Suggested Citation

https://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=2195774#.WhoCaDb7W6c.twitter

Whitewashing Adoption: A Critique of ‘Respectful Adoption Language’
28 Pages
Posted: 6 Jan 2013
Last revised: 8 Jan 2013
Karen Wilson Buterbaugh
Independent

Date Written: January 2, 2013

Abstract
The terminology set known as Positive or Respectful Adoption Language (RAL) has proven to be a useful tool for reframing adoption in such a way as to make it more socially palatable to the public. However, this “whitewashing” also renders invisible some “inconvenient truths” which should be held under greater social scrutiny, and dismisses the experiences of many who have been affected by this industry, particularly mothers who have been separated from children by domestic or international adoption. This paper explores RAL in order to demonstrate how the use of language globally has contributed to the industrialization of adoption and the marginalization and objectification of mothers who are separated from their children by domestic infant adoption.

Keywords: adoption, mothers, exploitation, women’s rights, women’s studies, social work, human rights, language, ethics

Suggested Citation

I came back to help Mama fight her demons. Cuz they were mine too.

Mama may have thought I was a demon spawn in disguise. But even the king cloaks himself. Even God is cloaked in flesh and blood trying to be seen by us all. God is within us all. Do we seek to see God in others? Or are we satisfied with the demons we make each other out to be?

If we wrestle not with flesh and blood? Then what do we wrestle with? I believe it is the mind. These minds are not fresh when we grow in our Mamas womb. Our minds are knit together from flesh that has been passed on to each of us. And experiences are coded into our DNA system. We come in with instincts that have been trained by experiences.

Recognizing this is key to ones evolution. Because once we identify our instincts we can learn from them. Without a proper mirror as we say, to look into growing up, it caused me to broaden my scope of inquiry as to who am I. So I looked within and still do as I look at what shows up in my life and ask myself why have I attracted this. A persons Dna pool can answer many of these questions. As I study my Mamas reactions to things and watch as they speak. I learn much about what our words create for us.

And that to create better for yourself means to go within. All the way down and clean every corner to find ones foundation. If our foundation lacks anything, we must fix it. We each have beginnings. And those first impressions can have a lasting affect. I look at the affects within me to the life of an adoptee and to see how it is different than other children and also the same.

As an adoptee, this is my process at learning the world. As I go, and know people, I identify with myself in each one. As I do that I identify with the part of me that has the possibility to be like each person I meet and yet am not like them at all. Even cheaters and liars. But for the grace of God go I. We all lie and cheat at some point and must keep that clearly accepted in us all. We all fall short.

God could less about how we fall short, it’s all the same. Someone’s got to pick up the slack created by a fall. How we handle those who fall is important to God. It’s is anticipated that we will fall for god sake. Why was Jesus sent? For fun? Or to cover our falls? What good is grace? When we seldom use it? And I know. It’s a hard one to wrap your brain around because there are a lot of ideas about what goes on here on earth? And yet we struggle to get any of it under any kind of control?

That’s why I am speaking. To educate people on what I know for sure. If we all did this? Well, we would soon be ahead of the game. We would get it. And we would not all be messed up like we are, saying words we don’t mean that vibrate what we do. Code. But vibrations speak truth. We feel the truth that is beyond all the words spoken to hide truth. If we speak our truth, it lights up another’s. They can’t help but speak without words. So why not say it out loud and let it go. Trapping our truths causes disease. We walk in falsehood when we hold back.

We do all need to learn how to take the truth. And we need to learn how to truly hear another’s heart past the words. We need to learn how to only talk and leave weapons Home. There is no need to act the way folks act. We create the need by how we react to conflict and other view points. And I feel that tells a lot about us as humans. That we still struggle with our free will power. And the realization that we are all connected to on another.

2017 is the brim of the funnel

And the first day is at the bottom.

God is at that end.

We are the multitudes if expressions so far from God. And we each matter. Is how we treat one another truly a proper reflection of God? Do we even know about this planet and the life source that is this place? For God is in us all. Is this how God wants us to act towards one another and leave it that way? Could we not try harder to show gratitude to this planet by treating each other as family, because it all started with God, this planet.

Let’s us pray for peace within.

Let’s us take the narrow road.

Let us work for a higher good for us all.

We need a win win planet.

Adoption showed me that I have many brothers and sisters here. Mama wanted to share? Ok. I share. And I do my best to be honest to all, no matter how they treat me. I don’t give up. I may back away. I may move on. I never give up. I still believe for the best. Even when faced with the worst. This planet is alive. And when I pray. I get help and what I need. Not always what I want. What shows up I needed for some reason. My job is to figure out why and ask why has this shown up. The first place I look is within myself. And when I find an answer, I share it so others can learn what I did.

It truly is a great way to be. Hard. Yes. But truth is truth. And once you say it. It sets you free. If it’s not yours? It sticks to the one who’s it is. They react to it. But if they own it and don’t fight it, it just disappears. And all the emotions attached to it just melt away. We all are in some darkness. Truth brings light. And we all know how good the sun is for us. All things in darkness will be brought to light. Mama didn’t realize that God really did have her number and that God would use me to shine light on hers. So she could see how darkness was all around her about me. And so I lit her darkness up like a sun rise. Like the sun rising on Easter Day, when Jesus tossed from the dead.

At two days old I was crucified. My file sealed and name changed. They nailed my coffin shut and called it a file. But I Rose again. And found Mama. And yes. I have wondered why? Why would I pray and why would God lead me home? I guess what I see is I needed to reconnect to my family to help myself and I feel them as well. That we needed a full circle. And a true reconnect to break this pattern we seem to be struck in. Because they don’t act like my family? They act like themselves for sure. But not like they see they are attached to me. And they seem to see all Mama wanted to Hide for fear. Why would she do such a thing? Why would a Mother chose to hide? What is unsafe?

Maybe that’s one reason I came back? To help her feel safe. I sure would not like to fear my own daughter and the world? Who has a lot of nasty things to say about Mama. Many are confused. Many indifferent and ignorant. Someone must tell people how it really is for Mamas. Mamas take a lot of heat for sure. But diamonds do need heat and pressure to be flawless. Mamas are precious jewels to a child’s crown.

And Mamas are so busy. Sometimes you got to sit her down and straighten that crown of hers and make sure all her jewels are in place and brilliantly shining. My Mamas needed to see me shine. Mama forgot she got a stone for me. So I had to clean it off to show her I am in hers still. That she gets credit for being the one whom God made me from. And Mama Jean to know that she had hers and that no one could take it. Because I gave that stone to her. To honor her for showing up to raise me as best she could.

Mamas have demons. And they are in their minds. Children see them. And when we are smart? W change that and chase them off with some truth. Love always wins. Everything else is just a fall. Get up. Do better. And use love and truth to change it. With those two as weapons we win every time. Demons love anger. But holy anger they can’t take. Holy anger is towards ignorance. And education spoken with love, wins. Love is not nice. Love is love. Strong and tough.

Being adopted made me a big picture girl. So I just keep climbing until I get the biggest view. We evolve each time we learn something new. And we can not go back one truth and learned things get inside. But ignorance can be rooted out with truth and education. Mama Jean taught me that. By being my truth board to bounce off her what I had. And she seems to know truth changes. Did she know my truth the day she brought me home like a mystery bag at the craft store? Hell no.

She took me anyway. And did not turn back except for me. She knew I would go back. And she prepared me for that journey with her truth about me to light my way. She saw a lot in me. And I see she saw a lot in my Mama too. She ran with it. She tore it up and pieces it back together better. She raised me well. Thorough. Precisely. So that means she is very in tune to my Mama. She’s like that. So. She’s inside Mamas head too. Because I gave her access into Mama inside me.

I told he my truth early. What I had at the time. Which was a jumble of emotions. Many angry. And Mama Jean knew Mama Linda hurt. Because I hurt. And that’s how it was and we had to go one and do our best. Until we could do better. I know Mama Jean is upset Mama hasn’t come to call and basically is saying she doesn’t like her. That’s how she sees it. That’s what I have been trying to tell Mama.

It is so challenging being the daughter of two strong prideful woman. But. Mama Jean is right. Mama Linda is the one who needs to call. And that act alone. Let’s it all go. It will Never be forgotten. That’s insane. We learn for a reason. Not ever to forget. But our emotions release. I’ve done it myself. These two woman need to meet. I stand on that. That is my desire. And I feel it is for the best of our unit. It is our compromise. It’s is our truss. Full circle.

All matter. All have their place. We each get to decide what that place is. Good. Bad. Or honest and unique. My sister Victoria should know this But is a bit rusty at spontaneous. I’ve had to adapt. So I am more flexible. Except with this.

This divide must be bridged. I simply need closure to this old worn out chapters of ours. And the axe has been buried by me the child. I called you all out and myself. So we can friggin go on. Gezzz. Let’s go folks!! Christmas is

Coming? Are you gonna dent Jesus this gift? Seriously. lord, I am doing my part. Help them do theirs and stop being lazy poops. Ugh. Family. No wonder I smile these days? This family is squirrelly. I miss my baby girl. And she’s not gonna see me till this is done. She doesn’t think I am crazy. But she now knows you all do? Way to go. My baby girl Saw how you truly feel about me? Very good Chelsie Lynn. Mama can’t be everywhere for sure. You know I am not pathetic. But am a genius. Who has a household of Geniuses. Why would I see anything else?

Shame on my family for telling me that she’s so messed up and that I did t to her? Poor thing? I’d go to counseling too? Tell my baby’s such a thing? Evil minded and ignorant for sure. But. Oh well. I gave you what you wanted and put on a hell of a show. Seriously. That’s who you think I am? Pffff.

So basic. Sure. Of course I was upset. And I showed you how. How could I make you feel my pain if I had none? Of Course I have pains. I chose to speak honestly about them and toHonor them in this way. Hiding brings no Honor and keeps people from connecting. Truth like a knife may make you bleed. But truth cuts away what no longer serves and leaves what needs to be dealt with. That is what I do now. Clean up any of mine.

It’s like cleaning out the family shame closet. On steroids. So some other stuff can be placed within their. And a new name painted on the door that says closet of better days. Let’s pile that things high with some of that. Tie up loose ends of understanding. And begin a new. Fresh. No mistakes in it. But we all must do this for it to work. What are we so scared of? Fear is the robber here. And yet powerless unless we give ours to over fear. Let’s take our power back. I did.

That’s when the magic begins. When we begin to see beyond this bump. And when we see that truth does set us free and that we got so used to fears grip keeping us from our own authentic self. Fear is the father of demons. If Satan is the father of lies. Lies create demons in our heads that become our truth. What do you want to see? I know what I do. And it’s way better than this situation with my family. Way better. How does one get them even up to the plate to hit?

Education.

My people perish for lack of knowledge.

Thanks for diving deep with me today.

God bless.

Face it. Moms don’t get told shit.

Let’s face it. Staring a blog to tell your Mamas how you feel is a bold move at best. And just plain crazy at worst. I mean, as you can see, and read, I had a lot to get off my chest. Things I struggled for years to find the words to say. Because they just were not happy and I just simply could not dress them up. They would loose their affect if watered down and flowered up.

We kids hate to disappoint our Mamas. And adopted kids have more than one. And it’s a really co placated job. Trying to tidier our how to make them both proud while neither of them even talk. And yet work side by side for our highest good. And yet we struggle to find words in a world that scripts us to be compliant and polite. How can we be authentic and original with such restrictions placed upon us as woman and men adopted?

I had a lot to tell my Mamas about the dark side of adoption. For that, is where the child is placed. In the dark. And our only lights are from God within our parents of assignment. All of them aging light on who we can be. And my bio Mama was withheld from my view, except within myself. She reflected back at me as I looked into the mirror and asked it who am I? This or that? Must I pick a side?

But Mamas have thought jobs that tell them to be tough and teach us to be tough. And that’s a lot! We go into Motherhood with the tools we have had modeled before us growing up and the nature’s that are passed down from those we, our bodies come from. I am not sure what happened with my Mama and why she really chose to give me away to another? I am perplexed and dismayed that a Mama can ever withstand doing that to what came from her.

It boggles the mind to think of such a gift? How does a woman’s head get to that place? And yet Mary gave her son. She could have fought for Christ. Mamas can do anything. And yet she respected his oath and trusted God. I trust God. My Mamas trust God. What is the lesson here from all that I have expressed here? I write to find my way to that answer.

As I debate this and that about my families reactions and learn of who I came from, and who I have become for lack of these things. I see the behaviors in myself. And the feeling is quite delicious. To see another act as you do, even in the slightest way. Even if anger is all you yourself see their. It’s real. And the body longs to see all that it can of Home. It’s like rain on a dry sponge. We soak it up. Me, myself, and I.

I was thinking about how my kids don’t tell me shit. And then wonder why I am out to lunch about them. I expect my kids, because I taught them by action and deed to be as truthful as possible. And to be authentic. I wanted them to be truthful and honest. I did this, Because it was so hard functioning well with all I was missing in my life that others took and take for granted. A family. People that act as I did.

Even meeting my Dad for such a short time had a settling affect on my body that is hard to explain. Unless you have even experienced the loss that Adoptees suffer at relinquishment, it is almost ImPossible to even get your head space there. Who wants to go there? No one. And yet Adoptees go there each adoption. It’s like amputation and yet not really because you are still connected. And yet not completely.

How can society expect such a high expectation of us the children? It’s just so choppy. It’s not thought through well. It’s kind of limited and limiting. Like slavery, yet a nicer name. And it’s colorful and stretches all races. Mamas need to know what they do. They are our first responders. Reviews are a must for us all to be our best. And my Mamas needed to know how I felt. I mean I listened to them. And everyone else with an opinion.

And I mean, 50 years is a long enough time to go along with it. I mean, I am grown. And I have earned the weight by being born to speak about my life and how my Mamas ideas affected me. I don’t think I turned out so bad. I am way ahead of myself. And I like staying sharp. And that means many will fall from the cut. But nothing that is really yours ever misses you. I trust that. I really do.

Thanks for diving deep

God bless.

Sharing is what Adoptees do. By law and by honor. We serve.

Sharing is what Adoptees do. Do we Adoptees get the same kind of sharing in return? In the same measure? That is one point I make here. Is that from birth, and from any point those who are thrown into the pool of what some call unwanted and some call chosen. But any way you slice this pie, we get cut into pieces. That’s one of my points.

We share. And you don’t. You meaning, our Mamas when we come home, our siblings, our adoptive parents while we grow up for lack of a proper way for the adults in our lives to care for us. Not leaving gaps and holes in our Support net. Adoption as it is leaves many gaps in the Support network it advertises itself to be. When millions of parents and children are thrown into the black hole of confusion call adoption, we all pay for such a very incomplete idea such as this small bandage on a human moral Dilemma made up by society back in the day.

We the people who have been adopted wish to exercise at long last, our civil and human right to what is ours by DNA. And I would like Cee adult to take notice of this event that is unfolding as I write. As my brothers and sisters muster up the courage society covered in their own fairytale. But we know the truth. All of societies truths. We have heard it all since we little adults in training to do such a job as this called adopted. And yet we struggle to see the root of the cause is in our belief system.

So please excuse me for tromping on your delusions. I have some very special people that would like the floor. If children are gifts, then why does any woman view her child as anything other than that? A gift? And why do we give away gifts, and try to pretend that we do not? Why must children grow up in other places to clear our Mamas name and our own in such a fashion? It’s beyond me. It’s fleshly and carnal and limited like that.

If adoption is special. Then we should feel special. We should be praised for our service in such an Endeavor. We should have benefits and pay for serving others as we do by selection to do so. Our Mamas put us into service to others. And how have we been treated? Like trash. Like dogs. Like pets. We are our own. And we deserve honor and not shame for serving out time for our Mamas shame that society put on an act that is our very creation.

Adoptees care more than anyone who’s never lost their Mama. That kind of grief is heavy. And we have carried it alone without counseling, or recognition of even any loss at all. And we cry out!! Foul play! Not to mentions our Mamas. They, many, got know either. We all have just been getting by with the lines we all were given and I say,” let’s write some new lines to this tale”. Why not? What now do we have to loose? Except our dignity and pride by saying, it fucking hurt like hell.

And I believe.

We surly can do better than that.

Thanks for diving deep with me today

God bless.

Love you Chelsie

Always and forever.