My Mama can’t see her in me, and yet I see her there.

Yesterday was a great example. Mama Jean wanted to go home. She came to stay because I wanted her here while she got better. It’s no fun to be sick and alone. And she helped me a lot growing up when I was sick and took off work to care for me herself. So. It’s only right and fair to return the favor. We are friends.

But we were all out back having a beer after we had gone to the store. And I had hoped she would stay the night. Angela was here with her friend and it seemed like we were all having a good visit. And Mama Jean just decides she wants to go home before dinner. Ugh. Why? We were just having fun?

And We all had not had dinner. Which meant Angela would have to take her and not eat either util she got back. And that upset me. And who comes bubbling up? My inner Mama. Who told her that it’s was kind of selfish to just demand that my disabled Veteran take her home like that. And I just don’t know what going on? Why couldn’t she stay and Visit? And I can feel when my inner Linda Marie is coming. Because it’s clear as a bell what needs to be said and how it should be. Where did I get that?

I’ve asked myself that question for years. When Mama Jean doesn’t appreciate me or acts mean, Linda comes to set her straight. It’s quite disturbing. And yet I feel that is what happens to us. It’s like the inner Mama just resurrects herself within to protect us. And that is survival, not illness. Illness is to just take it and not correct. I mean if Adoption is for our best? Shouldn’t we want the best adoption can give us?

Mama Jean started to walk off. And I went to her and hugged her. She’s just seems to Not get it. I imagine it’s our genetic differences getting in the way. And that’s forgiveness and grace. Love anyway. Show up. Keep trying. It is confusing for she and I. But we keep going. And forge love anyway, over misunderstanding and confusion as to what Adoption has really meant to us.

And I see as she adjusts to my now known truth. And I see us all adjust as a machine is adjusted to work as it always has, just openly and known. We are like an outpost of the family where I have lived in exile with her. My Mama exiled me from the family. And Mama Jean has raised me as her own. But God owns me and I chose to love them both. I serve (God by loving both of my Mama and trying to understand them and learn from them is difficult with Adoptions rules that limited my access to my genetics. And from me being able to express how I truly feel about them both.

This blog shows the raw unedited emotions as they come back up and slap you in the face like they did me. This body said, “no more stuffing, it’s time to deal with these things you stuffed.” And when the body does this? The mind has no say so. It’s about survival and the body knows what to do to make it better and clear your way. And that’s all I did. Was follow my body’s intuitive gps, lead me out and give me no choice But to let all the demons out. Demons don’t live long in the light of day.

And evidently by Mamas reactions? We had some demons we shared. So. Like a good girl. I cleaned her clock too. So it would tick better. Like ok Mama. You can’t say it? Lord? Give it to me. I’ll get it out. I really had no conscious idea all my truth would hit her like a ton of bricks and send her reeling. But. That’s how we felt back then. I see it now. But there were so many demons, like flies. This has been my green mile moment. She John throws up those bugs after healing someone. Yeah. Like that.

Cus like the lady John helped said. I saw Mama in a dream.

Melinda Moores: I dreamed of you. I dreamed you were wandering in the dark, and so was I. We found each other. We found each other in the dark.

And I found Mama in a dark place inside me. And many said this and that. But I grew up and showed them all who Mama was to me and lead us both out of the darkness. Wanderers no more. We walk in the light of day. And the world is a better place for it. Because one sheep found the other in Gods flock. So there is hope.

Yes. There is hope.

Thanks for diving deep with me.

I texted Mama Jean later and told her I loved her and reminded her how I feel when she leaves me. And she said she felt the same when I leave. Mama needs to see how overcoming goes. Weeds grow right over shit and take over. And I am a weed from her own garden.

God bless.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s