My Mamas like that elephant story. Except way cuter than an elephant. I would say she’s more like a lioness. And she been tied to a tree. She’s been tied to a tree for so long that she can’t see that the robe has been cut. And she’s free.
My Mama ties herself to that tree. Yep. So she wouldn’t come get me. Cuz she just knew, that she would mess my life up. Yep. She did. She tied herself to a tree so her body could not over ride her brain that said she had to stay away. Like that woman’s bond to me is strong. So strong? She tied and even changed herself to that tree. That’s huge. That says a lot.
And the day I made contact was the day the rope was cut. But Mama don’t know what to do? All she knows is that tree, that life of staying away. And she needs my help. Because her Mama muscle is flabby and weak. Her heads saying, “ No girl, don’t you go there, you’ve done enough.” But that body? Oh yeah, when I get near? Yeah, come on. She just can’t take it, cuz she feels it too. And it scary. What’s beyond the robe? Is it safe?
But she’s a lioness. You read me? Yeah. She’s a lioness. Like me. I came from a lioness woman that tied herself to a way of living to keep herself from messing me up! Anybody else feel like that? Bio Mamas! You feel like that? Do you? Well. Baby girl here is gonna break it down for ya. That’s just not true. You have paid your debt. And Jesus paid your debt. And all you got to do to be a good Mama, is to show up. And it’s never never never, to late to begin.
You might have to hear the truth. And it will make you angry and then cry. Cuz it hurts to hear your baby hurt. But sweet Mama. We all hurt. And love is the only answer for that. And to see. That we all hurt ourselves and that each day is fresh with no mistakes in it. Yesterday’s gone. You feel me? But we got to talk about it and lay it to rest, not just throw it out the window? You see? Struggles are sacred and must be payed to rest.
Struggles are teachers. Hell, my struggle to find Mama, to push her buttons and end a cycle was key to our transformation. Mamas alarm had been going off so long and she was tied to that tree. You know. The contract she signed? Made of paper made from a tree? Yeah. That one I ripped up the day I contacted her through her ex old man? But her Mama alarm had been going off so long she had tuned it out. Like some crazy person. Yeah. My Mama went crazy without me there to push the button and stop the alarm. And she just learned to live with it.
Now that’s sad. And I can not leave my Mamas call buttons on any longer. They are affecting my kids and me for sure. The girls? They like the noise. Vicki and Liz forgot what it was like before the alarm started to sound. They are used to the cycle Mama is in and can’t see me mimicking it back to them. Just like my kids that have only known that alarm going off on me.
My kids want me to stop sounding the alarm and don’t know my buttons to push. Get me my Mama! That’s the alarm. That’s the task. That’s our goal. Yes. Our goal. As a unit. That is the task. And to get Nana on board as well. Because she part of now. And obviously Mama needed and needs her, because she showed up to help Mama with me.
Mama can’t see how to make this happen. So we have to do this for them both. We. The family I am part of. And I am calling out all of you and being fair to include myself. Because I am part as well and not just the one pointing her finger and lighting Mama up to show you something! Look! Pay attention. How in the heel can any of you tell Mama to go away from her own baby? Like how? Crazy? That’s crazy man.
Mama needs to come to me. It’s killing us both to be like this. Mama is strong as hell. But she’s got some grief to process with me. And if you know what’s good for you? You’ll help her! Or else. And the else will look like this. You will loose her. She will go so deep within herself that you will loose her. She went there once already. Is that what you want? And yet the answer is writing right here. Waiting right here for you all to DO SOMETHING EXCEPT SIT BY AND OET HER SLIP AWAY! Hello!
Don’t even tell me I don’t know Mama! Don’t. I know that woman like my own body. I’ve studied my body, mind and spirit and know who’s I am and who I came from. God and that woman. By she need this baby girl as much as I need here. And that is not pathetic! It’s amazing! And shame on all of you that are doing nothing about it. Cuz when I get through to her that she is free. Ain’t no stopping us. Nope. That’s faith. And God who told me about her by showing me about me.
But Mama is deep as the ocean and wide as the sea. That mind of hers is vast and she’s got crap inside there that’s blocking the new. There needs to be room for god blessing to come in and fill the empty space left from laying a sacred struggle to rest. She and I need to update each other and learn of our struggle together. She need to get that journal out and show me, so I can show her that on certain days she wrote, I needed her. That she was spot on in her prayers and intuitions. Yeah. She needs that.
As we share our struggle with each other, we will begin to see the flip side of our struggle and what it taught us both. It’s like a review. A final exam to the end of a lesson God is teaching all of us. It’s crucial to our families evolution to not be mental slacker because I we don’t understand what was taught. We can not just not do our lesson and think God is glorified by that! We must study to show ourselves approved and be Workman that need not be shamed. This is a shame if we stay this way. This is the shame. And so w must pass this final. Mama and me first. Then the domino affect.
College educated sisters and they have nothing to say? Hmmmm? No help for the Mama that helped them? Oh Mama. I see that. And that is hurtful. Thank you for having courage to say it to me. That must hurt so bad. I am here to help. If those bitches would shut up I could get your alarm off. So you can have complete peace. Cuz I see it going when I come. And you think I hate you. But I don’t Mama. I don’t. I hate seeing you like this. Cuz I remember. I remember all of you. I kept her alive in me. So that I could come home and you could look in me, the mirror of you and see the beauty. Yes. Beyond all that is over you that’s old and Stinky.
The only chain or robe I want to see on you is around that beautiful neck, like jewelry. Showing off who you are. I want a big necklace to say Belinda. As a symbol of a child who gave a shit, to overcome and be honest and go home and help her Mama. Find her Mama. Love her Mama enough. To tell her her truth to make her see. How far she really came to find her. Nothing held me back and your love called me home. Home to God and Home to you. See? Look at that Mama? Look at that.
After it all has been said. And now you know. I came back to let you look at yourself in me, to remember I am not a dream, nor a nightmare, I am a miracle that you let god create and gave away. And yet God brought me back. Look at your girl with new eyes. For God has taken us both through the nightmare, the fire. And Bur ed it all away. And silver is left, gold is left.
Look at it and know that I the lord have brought you this gift and walked you through this dark place from days gone by to set you free. I am the redeemer. And I restore what was lost.
Thanks for letting me dive deep to my Mamas heart.
God bless you.
Love you Mama.