Mama said when I visited her house on Chelsie’s birthday that my blog was to make a name for myself. Yep. And for my family and legacy to my children.
A WOMAN WHO DID NOT GIVE UP ON HER DREAM…
I dream a lot. But my most precious dream is in these pages unfolding. And it may look like a crumpled mess of dollar bills falling from the dream pocket I crammed them into, but as I write, and iron them all out? They are spendable. And still have value to the one who held them. Me.
And Mama just didn’t realize what she dreamed up when she made this hot mess. But God knew my ingredients list, and how much heat it would take to bake me into a cake fit for kings. And Mama’s reading like a mad woman, trying to catch up and catch her breath, cuz I am fast as the lightening that brought me to this planet. And she’s got to keep up with me. I am a cyclone of love. Swirling and blowing all that does not serve us away, to reveal what is under all that that is in our way and is old and dusty.
So, if coming here is the start? Where will it end? Oh, I don’t know, somewhere amazing? I imagine God will take these words to who ever needs to read them, and get me to the top, so I can shout it. Unveiling a dream is tedious work. It takes faith and guts to pursue, when everyone around you is blind to what you see approaching. Even though my family has been blind to this, well, what do you expect? I was not there? Everyone has a job in a family, and I know mine.
And I work for what I want to see in this world. And I help people see in an unorthodox way. Thats how you change things. Rock and Roll would not be the same without Elvis, Blues would not be the same without Billy Holiday, and I would not be who I am without Linda Marie Brown. Or Mama Jean, or all my teachers along the way, including my children. Living like I have, with no mirror of DNA to look to, my children were my mirror for a very long time, and help me immensely in finding my way. I owe these souls a debt of gratitude for believing in me and showing my the truth so I could see. Three beautiful souls came from me, and showed me what was within me. Brains, spirituality, creativity, stability, focus, music, and more… Especially God..
No greater sermon have I heard, then from my children. A woman would be wise to head a childs rebuke and advice. A child will show you your weakness, so you can be strong. A child will pick you up, with slobbery kisses and hugs of unconditional love to remind you to do the same to yourself. They will call you with there epiphanies, and download a whole sermon to feed your faith to keep going. Angela. Such a soul. Just gave me her download, shared hers with me, saying, just like you Mom, share with me… Love that girl.. Love, love, love. Crazy smart.. Chelsie? Well, she acts dumb, but she’s not slouch, she has hearing problems, probably because she is tired of hearing me and Grama argue in her head! truth. But her intuition and faith are rock solid. She may waver, or bend, this way and that way? but she’s grounded. I am so proud of her works of good in Oregon. God has truly blessed my Mama with a gift, a gift that came from me, and came from Mama, back to herself, right when she needed it. After Phil died. Chelsie, my baby, came to call. It was like God grabbed her up by the collar, and just made her go up there with no word. And in so doing, stabbed my wound that had festered, from being so old, and stuffed down so far, I had forgotten my mission. Mama. Yes, my Mama.
Thank you Chelsie Lynn Gayheart for holding space for Gramma, and planting seeds of love into her so grieving heart. Makes Mommy cry thinking about it. And yes, I was a jealous and impatient. I salivated. I remember the taste of my Mama’s love. However little our time was together, I was transfixed by her, enchanted if you will, by my mama’s Love. I know you know what I mean Chelsie Lynn, you love me like that. Oh yea, you do. And its a scary love isn’t it? And yet, so strong, it has a pull. You know what I am saying don’t you? the pull I have on your heart and how hard it is to maintain position without me. You know now. You went there, or God drug you there. God is good. Especially to teachers in training as we, teachers of change. I am telling you girl! It was all I could do to leave that damn state without your good loving.. Maybe a leg hump or two? LOL and some grinding and music, and of course tea! Do I have to provide the pot and cups? If so? you need to tell me, I am gonna expect that you will put on the dog, since I taught you how to.. m hmm, Oh yeah, Mama treated you like a queen you are.
Love my Babies. Yes. And David LaRoy. Dont you be mad at me writing about you. You read me! I am your Mama, and I can write about my boy. In public. Because no one can hide, so why try? I know, your trying to work that secrecy energy out of the family tree, its a heavy one, look me 50+ years to come out with myself for being such a damn secret for being adopted…And no body being able to tell me about where I came from? It’s like coming from thin air? Like some angel, or ghost at times depending on the reception. And David is most sensitive, but because he is a boy, or male, he is able to work with it well. And not get emotional like us girls. We feel intensely and must release tears. I feel it is very healing and detoxifying and support such a practice. If more men knew this, they would not be so easily misguided into feeling that they must do something about it other than empathize and validate. Woman must help themselves, men must support the process. And woman process things differently then men. We must recognize this difference or strength and learn so we all can have this strength. If woman can have it men can too.
Woman have to learn the male process and language. We can not expect men to understand woman talk. We speak an intuitive language and don’t interpret it to them, which is kind of mean. And selfish. And leads to most misunderstandings, because what one thing means to a man, means a totally different things to a woman. Its like trying to speak another language and tell some something respectful and saying that you want to kill their chicken instead. Not so good. And I see this all day. I have seen a lot. And I have payed attention, studied people, learning about how to deal with Mama when God helped me find that needle in my haystack.. I have read books, God lead me to read, and shared them with friends. And I have practice the precepts to see if they are true. So that when I got to Mama, I could nail her lies to the cross. One by one, systematically, precisely where God showed me to make the incision into her heart, across the thorn that guarded it, to help free it to love wholly again… For it was stuck.. beating sad song. And God hears every beating of each heart, for God is there, if we recognize that. That is what the prayer of salvation is about, recognizing God, the on board GPS systems existence within our body’s. The mind must will to trust that GPS completely, laying the flesh down to be trained to follow, according to the highest law, LOVE>..WWLD- You saw it first here, (What Would Love Do) yep, I just said that, God said that through me.
Jesus is love. In human form, that yielded the flesh to the spirit, with his mind. They all worked together as one unit, under Gods control. And Jesus really showed us our raw carnal nature. Fear of change, exposure, and truth. Because they killed him for telling their truth out loud, not wanting folks to make them recognize themselves in the mirror of Christ, the illegitimate child born of Mary. Christ told them what he saw, he did not lie, like they did to themselves. Love disagrees, and tells the truth, so each can adjust there GPS. Its like being in a forest, in the top of a tree. Each tree is at a different height, so each view is similar and yet unique. The way I see it is if we all reported our GPS, position and our view where we are at, we all will be way ahead of the game. WE all will have heard anthers veiw, told ours and as a whole, we all will be more aware of our affect. We each cause an affect here. This planet is a cause and affect cell if you will, hanging in a vicious galaxy, that holds us while we turn. Like wow! And is breathing. More later about that.
I was not a mushy Mama, I really did not cry a lot. I did get angry and had to really work on my own triggers and find the gun.. Lots of prayer went into that search.. My kids helped me through that.. Shewwww! You know its like your angry and can’t figure out why? Like where did this anger come from? Adoption, I knew helped, or started the anger, going years telling folks I wanted my Mama and having no one help me? Well, yeah, that made me angry. Like no one listens to children. Especially orphans who’s Mama’s don’t want them. That was the case. Made me angry, ok? I own that. Not a nice thing to experience, for a girl that’s adopted and her Mama says she is so special. Ok? Wires crossing, sparks, circuit goes blank, angry. Just like, ok, shut down, or your going to blow! And we need to make it, so we can pray and find Mama.. Keep it together, put that one away, until later, and more and more, things piled up in my bag of anger…What to do?
I’ll tell you what I did. Prayed like hell, and asked for heaven. And that God would help me with all this angry, and put it to good use. I use it to change shit. I mean, I stuffed so many times I wanted to beat someone,down, and down into me. Oh, the things said about my Mama, and Mama Jean, that folks didn’t realize I heard! Lord, I forgive them, they don’t know what they do, But I won’t forget, because I can’t. Mama deserves better from this planet we call home. She is a citizen of this planet and the genetic woman I came from. She must be honored. For giving me whatever life she gave me, and sure, I will tell her it was very very very very very hard to live like that, as most adoptees that are awake will. But I did it with Linda style! Oh yeah. Gonna talk about my Mama will you like she aint here? Oh, lol. Yeah, she in me, and now your raging on me, so, yeah. I won’t take the time now, when I am just an orphan child, that will look like the one who puts strychnine in the well. I’ll grow up, and articulate myself so everyone can hear what ya did to me. You know who you are.. Yeah, you. Own your shit.
People think cuz your Mama gave you away they can say and do whatever they want to to you. Yeah, they just think they have a right, since we are junk. That is what they treat you like when your alone. Which is a lot, school, daycare, walking home, a bus ride.. the list goes on. But nobody knew why I was upset, or tired and didn’t want to go to school. I had to figure out how to silence the bullies myself, my Mama’s were busy working to provide. And could Mama Jean really trust me, I did come from a woman that could give me away sight unseen. I felt that way growing up. Like I was on trial and had to show my best foot, and work like a dog if I showed the other one by accident or lack of strength. I got to where I just accepted that I would put my foot in my mouth and say things that were true, but did not make things easy for me. Mama came out of me every-time. Try being an adopted child and your Bio Mama comes out to correct her? yeah, that happened for me, I don’t know if anyone else experienced this?
If I felt threatened, I yelled! At first and then I learned, stuff it girl, no one listening. Your gonna have to grow up and learn all you can about talking to people and how to get them to open up and trust you, so play that quiet game Mama Jean says you should. But I have learned from phycology class and the books I have read, that the subconscious mind can only old so much, mind was loaded, and needed to be cleaned out and defragmented, I was overdue and stuck in stuff mode, until my body just took over and made me drag it up. This is what I do here, drag all this up and deal with it, one by one. I address the issue I could not address, which would have made it hard on me growing up, here. So all can see what I went through, and how I am processing it. I am sharing my method free.. Like I believe it should be so we all can evolve and grow.
It is a strange thing to have this energy take you over and protect you when you are growing up without your Mama there. It was very forceful. Many would deem it as a mental disorder, I feel it is survival mode, Mama Mode. And I was always on. My Mama has excellent instincts, and her head always gets her in trouble. Well, Mama, I went for the head. Go right, or left. And Mama has slept in her bed that she made. She has committed to what she did. And honored her decision. I respect that. What I am saying is, I am grown now and am able by law to decide, so I am able to decide another fate for us all. Which in my mind is united, I feel it is the only way for release of the old way. Unity always wins. And well, let us all admit, we had some crazy ideas about what Adoption meant to us as a unit? Right? We can agree on that. But what I see that can be from this is Divine in nature. It is not an idea I made up, but was place within me at conception, and is in every child. Mother is home, we seek home, its programed into our DNA to stay and cleave to Mama, always. I am not talking about pathetic clinginess, but connection, bonding thats genetic in nature and predisposed. I am predisposed by my DNA to return to you for inspection. God I feel wish for you to check Gods work out?
Every present, and the bible says children are a gift, must be opened and peered into, and digging if you must to get to the jewels that are within each child. We each have gifts, but what shall we see if we deem any child as lacking? or a mistake, or a disability? Each child is unique, and must be accessed to reveal the gifts within. Autistic children are within, we must go and learn their unique language. Down Syndrome children must be afforded education, no limit, with all children so we learn of other bodies and abilities that those individuals have equality and can rise to their highest expression. And parents must look for that silver lining and pull the string in each of us, allow it to unfold and be anticipating the best that you know is in you, pull for what you want. Even if something else shows up, keep looking for it.
If we planted a garden and only watched for weeds growing so we could pluck them, well we would miss the flowers, veggies, and birds. We would be so focused on it, that we would loose sight of the garden as a whole. And weeds have their purpose. And should be included and honored for their work. I always say, my Children are my field. I work the field, until they can do it themselves. And we learn about each other along the way. That is what this place is about, dishing it up, cafe style. Hot, fast, and good for you, even if its not your favorite, all is good in the end.
Thanks for diving deep, I have to go take something to my husband… work..
God bless you.