I have had my second cup of coffee, the brew is from Raven Brew, again, wild wolf is the name. And this wolf is howling in a hot tub, typing my love for all to see and read. And the temperature is perfect for these dumplings to rise and pop in the Chicken Soup for my soul cooking on the stove of my heart/hearth, for Me and Mama. My tub is big, snapped like a oval womb, where I birth myself and Mama, a new. Each day, I go to the tub, and soak in the water, and remember the one I came from in a sacred practice of my soul, honoring Mama, and our precious time together. She may have talked smack about me showing up unwelcome and uninvited, but I love that gal. She didn’t know what was growing inside her, now did she? Well, she thought it was a mistake? Well, I am no mistake..God makes no mistakes, if we have eyes to see.
There does come a time when your Mama’s tied to an old identity, and she needs to be set free. And for her to come home to herself, in all facets and all ways. So she can see the beauty in every move, I go there, with all of you, I travel back for a moment to give you context to my journey, the journey of a child who goes home despite it all. Mama told me that only Oprah could make her eat her words, by telling me she would not change her mind, not even if I went on Oprah? Oh, I love a challenge Mama, I take your challenge. And you watch me go, get on Oprah, and speak to you there if this blog is not enough. I’ll go there for you, for God, who is glorified by a love such as God gave me for you. We are forever twined, forever connected, forever soulmates with the same mark on our hearts, where the tear is, that needs our tender stitching and tending too. I am a nurses granddaughter, I know what to do, its in my blood to heal.
But many times surgery is needed to dig out the poison that is causing distress, and to clean the wound, only some have eyes to see the wound in you. God gave me eyes to see, through your mask, to the real you within, that is wrapped ever tightly with my memory, and my essence, that is alive, in you and trying to get out. I am not memory now, I am flesh and blood, bone of your bone, child created by a loving father. Who say you there, wounded, and sent a gift to heal you… Back I came with he force from which you sent me, a sucker punch of love…What can stand agains love? Nothing. Not a thing, not even you. Oprah gonna love this story, once she hears it from me. And it will be a movie of courage and love that will help others, like Mama’s and children that lament for what was lost. Because you let me into that house, because of David, so, I know how to get in Mama. Yep, I know my Mama real well. You let me in, when you saw my offering, a son, that looks much like the man that made me. Oh, yeah, you let me in to take a look at that boy and see what was made from what was made from you. He’s quite handsome, isn’t he? And so level headed, and polite? Yes, he did exceedingly well, as his Aunt walled on me with her words of unwelcoming me. What a son of character he is. And I have protected him from that, and felt it was time her see, who the people are that he comes from. Thanks for the show Victoria.
David needed to see the hateful nature he wrestles with, and takes out on Nana. Just like Victoria took it out on me who is from another man than her father and raised by a stranger she does not really like or understand. A new child always stirs this kind of energy up as the children in the family already learn to adjust and find there new place in the family. And I am a big energy to have to size up. Sister is trying to figure me out, she and I needed to do what we did, so she could see what I am made of and what she is made of and adjust to each other. We did well, articulated, and did not touch on another. That is good. Each of us spoke our truth, and each of us learned, and she learned that baby sisters no push over and that she’s locked a loaded and a take no prisoners kind of girl. Mama or die trying. That is my creed. Always has been. I just never told anyone, to keep my dream safe, growing like a child within me, waiting to be born a new. Better. And an evolved version of her Mama, what Mama’s seed looks like after being raised by another, and free.
This is a love story like no other. Of a child relinquished and yet still attached by the think thread that God left attached, that fed my soul each time Mama prayed and thought about me. And she thought about me more than she says. I know that. She tells on herself, and she sees her act doesn’t work on me. That I can see through her mask, I am from the essence she made me from, so I am in there. That is what I am trying to show everyone. Your Mama and Daddy are in you. I am unwilling to go forward without My Mama that i was lead back too. Because, I get grace, and that God is the God of infinite chances, if we will wake up and see the helicopter and raise our hand and be rescued from an old way, God can take us higher. And I will say it again, If we faint not in our well doing. Might look crazy, but I know we all need a little crazy in our lives to liven us up and get us going again. Like kittens that jump at our feet as we sort the laundry, they demand that we play, and show us what’s really important. They get us out of our funk of drudgery. Mama’s living a dull life, compared to the one I see her living with me back in her life. Chelsie is just a piece of bubbly love muffin, that came from me. If she loves you? She came from me, and the love in me for you, has come to call and you received it. yep, you did.
I am writing to many people, and Mama. I call that a multi level speaker, and thinker. It is the ability to take it all in and process more than one perspective all at once. I have done it for years with my kids, as they came at me full force and all talked at once, and I listened to them all, at once. Kind of like we all were talking on Chelsie’s birthday, at once. It makes my heart sing to actually fight with big sister. I know, you don’t get it. But I have missed her too. And Liz, and phyliss was my surprise sister. And I want them for my own, they have a home in my heart, I have had to make rooms for each. And they are filled with loving gifts, and thoughtful ideas, and the tea is ready, and I want to drink them in. My soul is like a sponge, that only they can wet, with their love for Mama and her child made out of wedlock, and the one they support whole heartedly because Mama made that baby, and gave her away, and she came back with healing in her worn wings.
This story is not a Nicolaus Sparks novel, it is a happy ending. Where restoration is the key. And carving away the old, methodical and precisely, like Mama would want, leaving no stone unturned, all in place and accounted for. A memorial to a woman found with child, who gave her away in hopes for her to be treated well and loved like she deserved, like Mama wanted. And all i want is Mama’s love, it makes it all worth it. I will go through fire, if she wants me to live without her, I will, but it will not be good. Because I am loosing hope, she is my hope and my muse, and she can’t even see herself in my eyes, looking back at her, saying, love me, love this part of me, and love this part of yourself. Its time to love all of you, I am part of you, and your story, and lets see, how beautiful we all are by unwrapping the gift you gave away, and see what was in you then and what I did with it. Lets open ourselves and see how much we have in common. Do I know me? yes, so I know a bit about you, because your were I came from.
This is a love story. A child who loves all of you involved, and who wants us all to come together and put our faith where our Mouths are. I am standing in the street, because I don’t plan to loose. I came from a winner, was raised my a winner, so, I am a winner. Well, a weird winner, true. Adoptions a twisted idea, and everyones got there own ideas what it is, but I know what it is. And its time for this adoptee to come home to Mama. And for family to gather around and rejoice a lost child came home, Mama is supposed to be out on the road, if I am a prodigal. Well, now she gonna have to come get me because I am out of resources to come again. My husband and i have begun a business on faith, faith in our abilities, and our talents, and moneys running out. Gods got to hear my call, and see my step of faith. I have jumped, and I wait for the net to appear. Mama has always been my net, and God holds her. God holds her near, and I must show God in her, my trust is not taken for granted. My Mama has not been taken for granted. Everything she gave me, including my father, have not been taken for granted.
Do I sing? Have I won trophies” And money for my voice? Did I live in Nashville and write songs? Yes. Daddy wanted you to have that. And your voice is mixed with his, inside me. And is begging to come out. But my one condition is with you Mama, you are the one. Ive looked around and asked many to help me. And your the perfect one, I know what your made of and you will have my back. And you are the one, Phil was not. He couldn’t see it, but you do, if you look and get real, you see it. Your own potential rising up, and greeting you with a strong slap on the preverbal face, to wake up to our potential. Mama Jean too. No one losses here with me unless they walk away. And, no ones walking away. Not me at least, maybe to regroup and come back in one of my cycles. Victoria. You are a Druid, and we all know that every is on a cycle, with the moon and planets around us. Woman cycle with the moon, and I cycle with Mama, I come when she calls me, her body just cries inside and I come to her call. Now that I can go to her physically, but always i met her in a quiet place and sang my loving songs to her soul and cheered her up and quieted her worries about me. She worried a lot.
She can not fail, not on my watch! She will have this. And we will all give this to her. I know my worth, my Mama gave me to another, and I have paid the price for my own freedom, with my life dedicated to my Mama’s and family. Chelsie can not deny that I laid my own life down for hers. I walked away from music for my children. And felt that if I put them first, God would bless me. And if my voice needed to be heard, God would make it happen. I want you there, with me.. When I come into my gift. I want you to see it all and not just feel it and imagine it. You have paid the price for such gift. I see and watch what you do to serve God, God sees, God blesses. But we must take the blessings when they show up and not send them on their way as if curses come to call.
We work to straighten our our minds about it. And this is what God in me is showing me for us. A dream, like Martin Luther. If he was living now, look at all that has changed for the slave. And I have been a slave for you. But I broke free. Because I am Gods child too, and I have a free will. And I want all of us together. That is my intention. To work this until it works and until we all understand each other and come into the light of our new day and no longer stay in darkness without each others love. My sisters need a sister like me. I shake it up and keep it real. And shit can’t get buried, cuz I run clean. Keeping the energies moving and bring new in. I carve my way from within you, to show you myself for real, living color, breathing, loving, you, my Mama..
Agape is the term that defines God’s immeasurable, incomparable love for humankind. It is his ongoing, outgoing, self-sacrificing concern for lost and fallen people. God gives this love without condition, unreservedly to those who are undeserving and inferior to himself.
Yep, agape love Mama, in me, from you, back to you! Amazing right? And hard to believe, oh doubting Thomasina. Place your hand in my side, and see if I am not real. Came to your door and hugged and kissed you. Are you saying God can’t use me to love you? Are you saying God would not send me to sip coffee with you? and listen to your heart and try to help you see what is before you? Angels we have entertained unaware. Can not god us your angel? Did God make a devil from a woman that loves God like you do? I may have been sent to hell, but jesus gave me the keys out, and lead me back to your door, filled me with his love, are you unable to look your redeemer in the face and take your salvation? Is God just someone you dream about? or is God real enough to answer your prayer and bring me home? Oh, woman, you know the answer, come to me. Come to me. Come to me. God came to you and you sent God away, but you can chase him, he’s not far, just hanging out at my house. You come? And you will feel it, God here. All who come speak of the peace here that they feel. And that is God.
Come and feel Gods love for you woman, in me. God gave me this love, through you. Let me give it back, lets complete this full circle and stitch it up. Its time.. long time. God is good, even when it looks like all hell breaking loose. Hell has no place in our lives, so hell needed to be broken loose, so our heaven on earth comes. I will take you as you are, but you will not stay the same as you have been after you have tasted my love. Isn’t that how God does it? Well, so do I. Just like my father in the heaven in my heart says too. The heart God made from your flesh, that beats for you too. Despite you. No one can kill what god has made. Did they truly kill Christ? No, you can’t kill and idea like that. Ideas don’t die, they spread like wild fire. They infect and counter what grows that needs to die. Like good bacteria bring balance to the body that is 90% bacteria and 10% human tissue. they bring the balance. Like salt brings preservation to all that it touches. I am gods child and the salt of the earth. With gods salt in me, spreading it all over Mama, like a good girl.
Well, the bath is getting cold, and I must get out and go do somethings. I am so excited, Mama’s waking up. And I just can’t wait to see her coming down the road with Chelsie Lynn in tow. My homecoming is coming. Mama’s getting what I am saying.. its been hard, my language is different and it takes a set up to help her understand what I truly mean. Like a story line change, I have to do the tear down and set up, and hand each person there new lines, they are blank pages, and they get to decide who they want to be in this new play, I have slammed into my sister and gave her a cold hard look at where she was going. She’s better than what she showed me, but if there is only a little leven, it will spoil the whole cake. And she and I needed to square off, and she needed to know exactly who I am. She did not expect me to be so strong, but is proud as fuck, as soon as her wound heals from me hitting that nose she stuck out without protection. She couldn’t see how much I loved her, and needed me to love her through her ugly. I did. Love is not just flowers and candy, its a mirror for your big sister to look into and recognize her own self and to see the boogers in her own nose and so she can fix that mascara running down her face. I did her a favor. I took that shit and gave it to God. And love her anyway. She saw that, and knew what she must do.
Well, that’s all for now. My arm is tired and I must figure out how to pay the phone bill and mortgage. Ive put life on hold for Mama. I have spent it all waiting on her. I have given it to God, and God will come through for me. I only tell you so you can see it when it come, you can’t now. But God will take care of me. I glorify God all day loving those that others deem unlovable. That is my mission, and Mamas my first big person to get through too. Once I have her, I will be unstoppable. She should be proud, that I am proud of her. How ever confusing this change has been, I am proud, she opened the door and let me and David in.
Thanks for diving deep with me again.
Below is the link to Ravens-Brew, Deadmans Reach. I really like this coffee, yummy as bullet proof coffee.. It is amazons choice! So winner winner coffee dinner, or whatever. Enjoy..