It is 7:08 am on this fine Friday morning. The water is boiling in my electric kettle, and all I want is Mama to come drink some with me. Like that is what I am thinking. I got some Ravens Brew from Canyonville, OR, Deadman’s Reach is the name, served in bed, raises the dead is the slogan. And Yes Mama, I am smoking a cigarette, cuz your not here yet and I am a bit on edge about that. And don’t be judging me, cuz you smoke while I was in you, most woman did back in the day. And tobacco increases serotonin and dopamine, and I need some feel good neurotransmitters for my brain that is working to wake you up.
People have been trying to get me to forget you for years, yes, years. And well, its amped up these days, as you and I grow older and time goes by. I mean, people want me to forget what everyone remembers and has a hard time when she gone and just cuz I am adopted doesn’t mean I forgot you. Mothers are the warm place we all came from, she’s the body that made us, she’s everything when we are born. And from what I have ascertained, she’s in every step you take. And I have tried to throw you away a thousand time, truly, I tried to do what people said, forget her. But, that is just not possible. When I started to look for you, I prayed, ‘Lord, take this from me if it is not your will, please take this feeling from me.” But God did not. NO, God poured holy gasoline on my desire, and made it burn hotter, brighter, more and more. So, I guess, God wants me to find you. Why? Well, from what I see? You need me just as much as I need you. I just don’t have it in me to disobey, and push away what God has place within me to do. Which is simply go home..
Each pregnancy, each event, I think of Mama. And yet, no one even realize how much, except my kids. My kids were the one place I could practice, telling my truth to. If I died, they could tell Mama how I felt. But dying is not what I did, or plan to do. I want to live, and know my Mama and see her and expressed each other at long last. Our winter is over, the snow around our hearts is melting, dripping, and our hearts still beat, mine for her, and hers for mine. I mean, sisters, its is not like her heart only beats for me? Like hello, you have had her at your beckon call for ever. And I wish for my portion. And you all can’t see that? Yeah, its annoying and irritating. I won’t lie, but I love that woman just as much, if not more for the years without her. Mama is not her whole self without me. That is what you all don’t see, and I do. Because even though she been gone, she also been with me, in me, like that ghost I talked about in one of my other blog post, sweeping in, and surrounding me with her essence.
Just because you were gone Mama, didn’t mean you were gone to me. I pulled out all the stops, I dug deep within my very body for you. I resurrected you in me. And honored your presence in me each day, like a garden I watered within, and you grew. I mean it is so extraordinary to be so like you and yet different. But I can see you in me, the day I first went to your home, I saw me in the kitchen. And got my answer as to why in the hell I loved kitchen gadgets so much, and bleach under the sink for cleaning and so many other things a girl looks for when she lives without her Mama so long. It was mind blowing how much I got right, and how much I remembered and had integrated into myself, and cultivated. I am the part of you that made me. And she lives on in me, without restrictions, church, doctrine, scriptures, can’t take that out of me. God doesn’t even want you gone, for God reminds me each day, the task at hand. Go after the one.
I am the living testament of a woman, who boar a child, gave it away, and who went back despite it all. That is love in the highest form. Sure I remember what was done, but we can do more and better. This is my better. To include you fully into my life while we are still alive. To make you a part of my waking hours and to watch us really grow. I firmly and carefully untie the knots that bind us to an old way, to free us to be who we are. Mother and daughter reunited, mind, body, and spirit. And I know, you did to expect that, but did you think God would just leave you slobbering over your bible for a life sentence? Seriously woman. God is a redeemer, and my redeemer lives. And I will stare down those lies within your mind and call on the blood of Christ to heal them and crush them all. Satan has no power that can fight my truth, a truth that set you free from such a fate as to go on without me forever.
And change looks crazy, yes, it does. And we get scared, and wonder what is happening, and all kinds of nightmares come up. I see everyone, Mama. I see. And I have your back, so does God. Gods got one of those plans that are not your way, but the way. But I have to pump those faith muscles and beat the drum of your heart for me, so it will beat again. I got this. Your in good hands. Your in the hand of the almighty, and you are safe in me. I will bridge this gap between you and I.. as God is my witness and the whole world. I know you like drama, but you aint seen drama like this girls grand entrance. Haters move over! Baby girls coming to town as we see, many times in fact, for Mama. Just a taste will do for now, but I am coming for that whole delicious, wonderful, exciting, vivacious, amazing woman, I call Mama. This is the highest expression of love and forgiveness. To, at Gods bidding, forgive, and to lay down your life for your Mama. What higher expression would do? Did not Jesus honor Mary? With his life, for the highest good of all mankind, Jesus marked the spot of Grace. Use it.
I really am tired of being without you. And that doesn’t mean I want to sit in your lap, ok? But Gezz Louise woman, your tough to court! I mean, all I got is a heart filled with love and all the gifts god gave me from you and my daddy to give, but that is riches stored in heaven. Sent to you, to help me blossom. It is our time. This is our time. Take it. I have paid all your debts, on top of what you always give to god, chelsie, angela, david, we give. To whom ever God sends our way, a gift. We know not really why? Except me, me, I know why we give. Its in our bloodline. Givers are we. On steroids I might add! Like I am now a non profit, and help those in need, with my own money, and those who give to help me help. I live what I preach, and preach what I live. And your one of those I am giving to, if you take a moment and recall. I am giving you a second chance, does not God offer many second chances Mama? This is yours.
And yes, I am forceful. Because Gods trying to get you to move from where you are to the promised land, our promised land. You gave me away. And it was hard on us both. Now you know my side, and I can see yours on your face, and in your actions. And you are like that cat in the old craft room. And I am sheldon. Standing outside, a wild thing, that loves you, and is wild. And you are wild too, yet trapped in a room filled with kitty litter, wanting to see the world, and to feel safe. I am no enemy of yours, I am a follower, seeking out your sent, tracking Mama, where is she? That is not crazy, that is a living, loving daughter, who’s character is very high. That she lays her own life down, to find the one she came from to repair the breech between us, forgiveness and restoration, Mama. That was the bible study October 20 th, Chelsie’s birthday, and ours too. No greater gift could I give my baby, and babies, than to bridge a gap between our DNA family. I left feeling I had failed, head down, upset, feeling unworthy, torn down by sisters words, and yet, resolved to continue. It surprised me, I mean I said goodbye, and nothing. I still have to bridge this gap between us in our minds, we need to update, we are out of date, we don’t talk, except about this, and seem stuck. I can not take back all I have said, and that is the point, I don’t want too. And you are not supposed to hold onto it either! Let Go, now that you know. Because that what you do when you throw out an old relationship that doesn’t work, you tell the ugly truth, cuz you know if you do, folks learn and do better. IF they can let the old go.
Sure we have some finishing up to do before we get to walk the golden bridge, or yellow brick road? But we are so far, so close, so ready for this all to end. But we all must be there. You and I first, and then the domino affect happens, its going to be a miracle like you have never seen! But you have to have faith. And I know you do. You said God gave you a peace about it? Well, me coming up sure doesn’t look like peace? God is waving me around like a white flag! God is coming for you with healing in Gods wings, doubt shew God away like a fly? What is wit you woman? I rebuke the idea that this is Satan! In the name of Jesus! Get the behind me Satan! Your just to comfortable in your mess, to see. Well, let me be the one to tell you! Its time to get up and do something! Hello! Baby girls says you! Yep, you! So get prepared! Your perfect.. a storm that I came from. I can roll with whatever you got. I can take what ever you give and make it grow into a flower, or a dream you had long ago, of singing with a musician from Arkansas. OH, you thought I didn’t know? You can’t hide thing from me Mama, I know my Mama… God had your number and gave it to me…xo
Oh, see? Folks, we kids love our Mama’s. So much. And I just wanted to put my money where y mouth was. Meaning my value of what I speak to work. And well, it takes a lot to turn a titanic around like this. It takes radical, Jesus faith to move a mountain like this. It looks crazy at first. Like a cake recipe does, each ingredient is added, until it looks like mush, but you have to spray the pan and sugar it, then pour the mess into it, and put it in the oven and give it some heat to get that thing to be delicious. I am the heat to my mama cake, but she needed some more ingredients. She was just a blob of goo, that needed some salt and soda to raise her from her death. To give her spring and bounce, and yumminess. And frosting, don’t forget that frosting to top her all off. Folks, you think you know Mama, but you ain’t seen nothing yet… She’s got all her ingredients now, so watch out world..
Thank for diving deep with me as I talk to Mama. And win her heart back. Back where we belong, open, and free to be who we are, Mama and daughter.