Can you imagine my shock?

20+ years reunited, or so they say. And Mama was living like I was dead! Oh My! Lord! What do I do? Counseling, counseling, praying, anoint me, pray, utter words no one can understand, but God, cry to the Holy Father of heaven and earth, ask Mother Earth, approached the Holy Spirit within, ask, seek, knock every door God shows you must be knocked down to reach the heart of the one that still beats for me. That woman lives her life for me, and just not you! I have a room inside that woman head, filled with things we love. She’s seeing me unwrap and show her how deep her mark is, and it beatiful if you have the eyes to see, like I know Mama knows I have. Clear, blue, and deep as she can dream, starting right back at her… with love she has not known for a long time and had forgotten about, or numbed it…Hence all that stuff, in her house? Like her brain? Stuff can not fill that void, and I have come back to return a favor with a favor. Her deeds that she has shown me to be her truth, need to be forgiven, I extend my hand with that forgiveness, and point to you. Go within, I am there waiting, arms open, with love for you, the spirit that haunts me, and I love it. If I am honest? I think you haunted Huey.. If I am honest, that’s true..feels right..He does live in me? Why not? I say yes..

Wow, its pouring out of me like a river, gushing, and clear… But, at 20+ years reunited, I kind of woke up? And my body got all freaked out, and hair was falling out and my weight got all, well, I gained weight? And that is a weird one for me, ok, no haters. Skinny woman struggle too, just in the opposite direction. And I went to the doctors, and counselors, and this and that, mediums, psychics, looking for the answers I could not find in the church, counselors, any conventional way, gave me not insight, and that’s sad, and I guess why I felt lead to go there, to learn about these things and the benefit from the use of them and navigating dark places in life, that God was everywhere. I had nothing to fear, and I did think, ” Oh, Mama’s not gonna like this Lord?” Yeah I thought that and then let go of Mama’s spiritual, hand and jumped with God to learn! Mama would understand, God will help me explain it to her… She loves him.. She told me so..Gods ways are not our ways, so off I learn more about God.. and the devil, of course.

But I came back to green and filled with the faith in my dream.. Finding Mama and telling her all I had been through and drinking tea and loving each other anyway…And introducing her to Mama Jean and all of us being family, like I see it. And well, I was a bit shocked to find Mama like she was? I mean I have message to deliver people. To Mama, for her eyes only… kind of thing.. and Mama want to hear this shit. Oh yeah. Daddy all around you if Chelsie near, Mama, oh yeah, vovoom! All that humping? Oh my.. Yep, Daddy in her, coming at ya! Full on love… passion, don’t you blush girl, you know it is true. Look into the mirror of a man you LOVED!! God marked it!! With a baby girl that would not give up on that love! No way, no how! To the death, to heaven itself… Tried and true, all for you..My heart, I give to you..Eternally.

Now, you can imagine my shock, with a love like that inside me trying to get all that fake ass shit out of my way… And to see Mama, lamenting, strapped to her bible, paying pennons, still like the Catholic she was trained first to be.. and can’t even see grace sits with a cup of her fresh made coffee, loving her, waiting, waiting for her to see the man in me… Face me, recognize me here, look into my blue eyes, see the deep blue you dreamed with and know there is a God that big, to bring her back and allow you to see her unwrapped and have a hand in her blossoming.. This Queen has visited your realm, I extend an open invite to mine, at your leisure, or you haste. The heart that beats in me, is forever intertwined with my parents. And that is a good thing, I say it. And what they had was real, raw, blunt, passionate, all that I am and more.

I am pretty sure Mama saw Daddy when I came, and felt him in my embrace… And she saw him in my boy. Yes, and Daddy came to call, in us both. Miss Vicki needs some manors, when an old beaus child comes to call, and brings her son, don’t you think Mama? But I will not make you say that. She should know better and we all saw that. I was not shocked, I saw that coming long away. She been reading my blog too, I called her out. She was foaming at the mouth, and seething as she spoke her words, I hope you see who you are being fed from now? And who the mole truly is.. Time to grow up Victoria and maybe practice what you preach. I don’t preach to act nice and secretly hate, like you show me do by your words spoken to your own flesh. It went right back on you because I have covered myself in the blood, only what is mine sticks. Thats yours, and your right, Mama, I am making a name I did not think I needed to make with YOU>>>

Shock is a light word, I felt gut wrenching pain, agony, dismay, torture, sickening, lack of confidence, totally mind blowing sadness and grief for something I fed to live in me, and see God Answer this prayer I prayed. And to face the fact that Mama was clueless and so mislead was overwhelming to say the least. Heart wrenching, and devastating to say at worst. I began smoking Marijuana to cope with such a mountain before me. How would I approach such feat? On my knees, I would need a master mind to climb this hill that looked like the biggest mountain. I would have to teach myself the word, so I could speak my Mothers tongue. Mama Jean does not know of the written bible. She lives the word. She is an indian, and walks with God always, as best as she can and learn from trial and error. I needed her to break the cycle of religiosity that our family has lived. To break us free, to worship god all ways, and to accept each other as sacred vessels that God is in, always. Salvation activate us to that knowing. God within us. Always.

Some of my brand of gospel….

But after the shock wears off, like being abandoned by an amazing woman, you get over it and wait for another shot at her. And coming back, with love, and forgiveness and help her forgive herself and lay down that old book she read to everyone to help her go on without you, cus after doing that she didn’t even think she had a chance. but sometimes Mama’s not right, she’s left and you need to guide her a bit, even if she not patient either and crabs a lot. You keep working, for you know, success isn’t about no failure, its about showing up till you succeed.

Love you Mama..




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