When I was searching myself

I have always searched myself for core beliefs. Core beliefs like duty and honor and faithfulness and such. I was searching for the woman that made me within myself. And she spoke loudly in me. She’s fierce, like a warrior, and strong as an ox. Beyond her armor that she wears to hide our love, which is Gods love, manifested in Mother and Child, there is a softness that is palpable to a trained remember such as me. So soft and delicate, within the heart wrapped in thorns that protects she and I from harm. I remember her heart, from days within her. I have protected such memories for such a time as this. To share with the world, to show such a love exist within a child abandoned, adopted, and yet still full of love for her Mama. Still, strongly, undyingly, captivatingly, enchantedly, obsessively, reverently, obscenely, and most favoritely; continually. Love my Mama.

I tell you what I experience. And each of you lays their own overlay on mine. Do you know what I speak of? Can you understand a love like this? What will you do for that love? Feed it? Kill it? Cut it off? Block it? Run from it? And escape it? And yet is this love not what we truly seek? Complete love? I run too that love, as my own light guides me. I run head long into the arms I came from, and embrace a woman who has been the ghost living in me. I have carried this burden with her and for her and myself. It has been very heavy, and she has struggled to say where she placed herself. And I, set her free, I support her growth, and I come back, each time. Again and again, I come to show her, and touch her, because my love has power.

I will make my family see, Mama see’s already. But she never knew her baby girl would come back and dig her out to find the way. So, look at that Mama, you’re not so limited after all. Help has come, in the form of a woman, who was a baby and now is grown. I will make it safe for you. I will help them see what they do to us all by keeping you this way. And I will succeed, mark my words. I have come to far to loose you again and you loose me, to go back to the way it was. Our new day is here. All you have to do is take my hand. Let go of all you said, and learn the truth I have to show you. A new world with your baby in your life and filled with loving children she boar, for you to enjoy as well. Chelsie is just one. She shows you the me that is, and she shows you unconditional love I learned from Mama Jean.

Facing our truths is rough on the Ego, that is so set and going to protect us from the unknown that seems so scary. And yet I come, again and again, to show you what is and lay to rest what was. My love is real, you can take it to the bank. Hold it close, let it nourish you. And find you way back to me as well. I am waiting. With my arms wide open. Let us both out of that cage, and see us fly into the sky like two Eagles soaring and rising, and loving. Let us go, you and I to the place where comfort is abundant and love is all. Even when correction comes, it is for love. God puts thorns in the nest of what was, to help us take flight to what will be. God is like the Eagle Mama, that puts thorns in the nest so her babies will fly. They don’t know they can fly, but she does. Let us understand that God calls us to jump into the sky of infinite, where all is available for those who dare to believe.

Song of Solomon said it best— 2:10

My beloved spoke and said to me, “Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, come with me.

I will use these words here to speak to my love, my Mama. And beckon her come to me. God is in me. God loves me, and you. Let us come together and find refreshing for our souls, and be renewed.  Like trees after a rain. The rain did fall when I came, which show me God is with me. The wind also came to blow away what no long serves our highest Good. Let us rejoice in these things, for we will see our new day. If we will only believe. God has a plan, and I am in it, for you….  I am always and forever your girl.. Remember, I am free and wild, just like you wanted to be yourself… but could not see a way to.. I went there for you. To show you, its amazing.. It truly is.. Let go of fear, for it is not of God. Power, love and a sound mind is all God gives, if we believe.


Thanks for diving deep with me as I unearth the old and reveal the new… Thank you for coming to witness me and Mama, two lovers, separated at my birth, but connected through Gods infinite thread of life that brought me to her first, kept me connected, and swung me back again to her… once a daughter, always a daughter… I can never forget where I came from, but I can run the lies away that keep my Mama thinking I am not a blessing! Oh, yeah! Run you bastards! Mama’s girls has come home, go! You are the unwelcome guest and have over stayed your welcome. Mama’s waking up and boy, you better watch out.

I have lived without her physically, but she lives in me. Safe, I have made sure of it. Now, is the time when she should and will live safe beside me, physically, and no one will take that from us. I don’t back down. I know her worth. I dug deep within, and found it. She needs to see what I did with what she gave me… Its amazing what God can do..

God bless

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