A family scared to death. Hopefully it is the death of a way. Hopefully it is the birth of a new way. And I see what my family holds dear, and its dear to me as well. Ive lived without it physically, and desire to have this life time. My Mama, whether its Good, Bad, or whatever. And what I see is a bunch of people and their words that keep Mama from following her heart and only keep her in a prison of her own making. I see sisters indifferently turning a deaf ear, and looking away while Mama needs them and their support in doing what is the right thing and not the comfortable thing.
I traveled far to see her. I traveled 374 miles to be exact. And I stayed for two days. And brought my son to see his Grama. And Aunts and Uncles and cousins, and was told I was unwelcome by the eldest sister. And wow.. that is a lot to take in, as well as what they take in from me. Because I came to speak, and heard that I need to listen. I guess they think I am sleep walking? Like I don’t know my own family or not? Whatever.
But I am a walker of this world. Adoption changed it for me. I am a citizen of this planet per say. And I talk to a lot of people and inspire them as I go along. I have walked this life, with my Mama’s hell inside of me. I have walked in her hell and smelled her hell. But I am not hell, but hells taught me a lot. And I am redemption. I came to redeem us both by reconnecting and reliving, so we can see where we got off track and who’s not helping us do better.
I have worked with two woman, and felt their energies… my whole life and more. I became the child of everyone, the child abandoned within these two woman trying to use me as a fill in to point the way back within themselves…What I have seen has changed me. And I change the world each day, each person, each time. And my children do the same, with who shows up for help. And we are unconventional, and radical and amazing to watch, folks change for the better after sharing with them.. It is a miracle that I have from being abandoned. There is something in me that can see what folks can’t see, they are to close. I was to close to help myself at one time. And I had to break away, so I could see the bigger picture. So I can be of assistance to the family I do love very much.
And a change like this is a radical one from the realities my Mama’s have lived. And we all need to share. I have shared myself with many, per my Mamas instructions and it is her responsibility to show me gratitude as well, for affording her this luxury for so many years. The luxury was to go on in peace without me, and her ugly thoughts of me and my Father. She just couldn’t do it with me. And she did what she did to me and John, how could she raise me? She said she had to, because she did not want to mess it up for me. Awh… Like that’s so sad to hear her say she feels her presents would cause me distress? Oh, no, it would not have. But, God keeps trying to show up, and give chances to decide rightly or different so we can get the outcome we desire. I came to create a new.
I only wish or the real and honest explanation from Mama. She knows, she’s not telling the whole truth, that’s is why I keep asking. And she’s unraveling, those memories are deep and she’s scared to death of the woman she used to be. And there is no need for such fear. No need for sorry. Just an explanation, and an owning of ones own actions. I have shared mine, I have more. But I am leading by example here. I am doing what I wish for them to do. Even if its hard or hurtful. I am strong enough to withstand it, remember, I already know…
Mama thought a lot of things about my Daddy, but was it all true? Is what she tells me all truth or made up just to help her live with such a hard decision as to relinquish a child she has hurt while growing within her. That is tough. I get it, more than Mama realizes. But I think I am getting through, slowly, and surely, I step on sacred ground as she sees, how inside her head and heart that I TRULY AM. She is seeing and I have her attention always, always. Ever loving and ever longing for her love child. Secretly wishing and praying for redemption, and not even see it in her daughters eyes that look with blue as Daddy’s eyes, with love for her, and hate for her actions. That hard to be the vessel that is made like that, looking so much like the man Mama feels she let down, and could believe in.
But there is a love in me that will not die. There is a love that keeps showing up, knocking, until the lady of the house answers and see, love in me. A gift, left to help her remember, the man she spent time with and that that time mattered and was worth something, they made a child. What better gift? Society had it wrong back then. They did not see what was made as beautiful. It was rash, and dangerous to do such a thing. People will talk. And on and on. But we all talk, and it is cheap. Mama did the only choice she felt she had. Daddy looked to risky, and was in love with her. An emotional love like theirs is deep and scary when someone get past the gate without even knocking, it unnerving. And you want to run and break free, for fear of being hurt. And yet we hurt by leaving and cutting it off. Because they connected in a way that changes us all. Sex changed us, and a child changes us further.
And when a child is relinquished, it takes years to see, how far we changed it all. And what our lives have done because of the two that came together. I ran with what Mama and Daddy gave me. I used my love for them to love others, as my gift to God, to pay my way back to mama. It is a way of life for me. It is what I do, help people along their way. And I am good at it. I see the affect I have on people. And Mama’s been in the dark about me, so my light is bright. But light is good for the soul. And Mama needs my light to light her way out of darkness about me. And support in doing so, and not discouragement and more smack talk about her girl. Her girl. She needs support, to be what she is to me as well as all of you. And there is a place already within her for me, so please step aside, and get out of my way, I need to see Mama, she needs my kind of love.
If we are going backwards, or standing still, we are not going forward. I came to see you all, three times. I threw the ball, and three strikes we are all out. We lost that round, but God is faithful, you can come to me. Its your turn, to actually do something about this, instead of just standing around with your back to Mama, and Victoria trying to shew me away. Lets get with it. Chop chop. I mean, did Mama just let you all run wild? Can no one take directions? Are we enjoying this ride? Or would you like to see maybe something better? I see better, would you like to follow me? I mean your doing what you do? Is it working? Are you all happy we are like this? Are you enjoying Mama squirming like she is? Cuz, she seeing what I am seeing now, so, you might want to look at your own actions or lack of actions?
Mama, come see me. Lets talk this out and enjoy one another. You need to get out of that place and come see your girl. Now I know. It hard to trust me. But you know you can. Forget those words the girls feed, that is lies. I will welcome you and not turn you out. I have coffee and we can make sour dough pancakes and sit outside on the back patio. I really would like to see you alone and not in that house. The girls negative energy is all over it. And you need a good time and someone on one with your girl here. My arms are open too, it just hurts, these wounds of ours and we rub each other and need to dress them instead. Let us come together and pray us through. You know I can pray, or you should!
Whats going on with Chelsie’s car? Hows she getting to work? Does she need money? Or help? I really don’t like her like this and want her to have a safe car. And I really want to hug her and kiss on her like old times. She much like me, I wish you could see that. Mama Jean says it all the time. I know, Chelsie has bad attachments to me because of the wounds I passed onto her from the wound you gave me not realizing you did. Who knew back then? But that is the thing, I know better, I lived it. What have we learned if we haven’t learned from each experience? And you don’t even look at this experience!! You lost your baby! Like that is a huge experience. That also needs validation. I validate that experience by coming back as worth something.
But we must expose what is, to validate it. You and I can’t validate your loss, if you deny a loss at all. And we both know what was lost. But we can own the loss and gain whats left of life to live. Ok? Its not as bad as you think. And just because I say it out loud, doesn’t mean I truly judge you, you judge yourself, I just point to the issue between us. Let us look at what is between us. What is between us is not who we are. We are more than what was, what is, we are working for what will be. Planting our seeds, and watering them carefully, so they will grow.
I see a bright future ahead. As the dark fades, and we see what truly is. That adoption’s changed nothing, and added much to what now is. That I am more than what you thought. And you are more than what I thought was. Your love is worth fighting anyone for. Victoria’s in over her head if she thinks she can scare me off. I may leave out of respect, and the fact that you didn’t tell her to stop. But leaving you is not what I do. I have hoovered with you, in spirit, and mind. I have carried all this, and am here to sort it all out and label it and lay it to rest, with respect. Its your life, its what you did. And it is sacred, I am trustworthy. You can tell me, I do listen. But I hear what you words do not say, as your actions tell on you. And you let me in, because I am already there. Always present and never seen. And now seen and present, so all can see.
Thanks for diving deep with me today.
Much bubbling up from the deep…Change is scary, but beyond is heaven on earth when we do the work….