My son said I need a ghost writer, and while that may be a way to translate what I am saying? It will loose the essence of why I write? Like I write like I feel, which is very swirly, discombobulated at times, random, very, and kind of wacky, That’s the point. This is me, and adoption played a big role in why I am this way. I illustrate, with my words, placed in random order and all over the page, how, this adoptee thinks and processes. That is the point. People want to see what adoption did to me? Read honey, just read….
When I first started blogging my feelings, my feelings came out like exploding raw emotions hitting the wall of consciousness square, circular, triangular, and any other shape imagined or not, like emotional assault, all over up into your grill of a head that you have. And that describes how I got it handed to me… OK? So, that means, that if this woman over here, who in a tornado, swirl machine brain of a body that took a hit for a cause, I have to get all this out, like it came in.Which was a hell of a hit to my psyche, Mind, body and spirit. Like I felt it like I write it. All jumbled up, and all swirling around, and very, very painfully. A sucker punch that as I grew within her tried to prepare for. But there is no preparation for what I went through. No, you can’t prepare for something you have never known. Your Mothers death, which was your death too. Because I knew something big was coming for me, and Mama couldn’t hide that from me. And the day and the way I was born into this world forever marked me, chosen. And this chosen storm has come to call. This storm is me, a child relinquished, and this is my unfolding story. As I have said, this is a stream of my inner consciousness, from beginning to now… Sonny boy, I am the ghost who’s writing… I am my Mama’s walking dead girl, who’s not dead at all.
Mama’s been abusing herself for years and now takes it out on me, but I have taken every hit all my life for her. It is complex, how connected she and I are. My recent visit validated that, when Mama confirmed it all was true. And I see, how far I am within her head, and heart. And it really gets under her skin, but that is where I have always been their, I never left, she never let go of me. That woman records dates and rattles them off. Mama told on herself divulging dates and correcting Victoria about years and days. That is a woman who deeply cares. I don’t even have all the dates right! Like who cares about dates? When your Mama’s in the room, all that matters is now. I thought, ” Will today be the day? Will we get past it today? Is this the day it all comes together? Or does this cake need more heat? and Time?”
As I traveled to see her and maybe my Chelsie Lynn, Jim stayed home. Jim is my husband. He stayed home to watch all the animals and work in the wood shop. And he was so hopeful, telling me over and over that it was going to be great and this was the time. It was so sweet, and so thoughtful. I cherish a friendship such as ours. And yet, I kind of knew, cuz I can feel Mama so strong these days, she wasn’t quite there yet, and that the day I went to her house would be key, but not the opener of the door. Mama was the scared cat in her old craft room, and she needed some heavy cream and some love from her baby to be willing to come out. I have worked with a lot of cats in my day, they always trust me, I am solid as a rock. And I know how to build trust, consistency and a willingness to over look the nature, and forge a trust so strong, they love me for it, and thrive on it. Because I don’t keep them locked in rooms for long, I lovingly expose them to the outside world in snippets and squirts, in my fuzzy pink robe, safe, with their new Mama. Wonder where I learned that? lol
I was so blessed Jim telling me that, he’s a silent man. He speaks with the things he does and makes for me. He is every Mama’s dream of a man, and not without his weaknesses, but those are few. He is my fire man, he gives me the warmth of his love. And loves me as I am ever unfolding. Truly a gift. And I really wanted it to be the day, you know? I can taste it, its so close, but Mama needed to see me, again. And that is good. She sent for me herself in a prayer. So I went to her. I do love her. And a child knows where her Mama needs to see her, and to get a hug or two.. and to argue, cuz thats all we do these days, but at least its something for my trouble. Some time, out of Mamas busy life. To see one another, however short. I mean, at least I have her, right? And I will be grateful, oh damn right!
But a ghost writer would write all the nonsense that I am, and ruin the affect. The affect hit me, and now I share that affect with you. Honestly, courageously, candidly, crazily, forcefully, discombobulatedly, gushy, mushy, slobbery, whatever, I experienced it all, and share it like I experienced it. I am the researcher of my own life as an Adoptee, I have studies the affect for years, as I tried to be like everyone else, and just couldn’t, and wouldn’t. Why in the hell should I try to be like everyone else? I am me, this is me. And I feel Mama is proud of me in her own way. She also did not tell me to stop yelling at Victoria, which is permission granted. So, that means I am in. So there! Vicki!
But now hows Mama gonna handle the girls? Well, that I want to be the fly on the wall to see. I am sure I will feel it when it happens like a slap on the face of energy that tells them, how its gonna be. Mama’s waking up, she hears baby girl crying for her… Oh yes, she had forgot the sound of my cry,, so long ago, and yet, her dreams.. Yes, dreams of our day, they are coming back to her, again and again. And Gods waking Mama up. Calling her home to her whole self, even the nasty part she thought she was.. That old Devil, what a lier.. But God is faithful.. yes very. To train her own baby girl to go into the hell created when we separated, and bring her out safe. Like shadrach meshach and abednego, I imagine. Mama like bible stories, but she didn’t expect God to save her from herself, with her own daughter. No, she did not see that coming for her. God is faithful, not faithless, and those who have faith as small as a mustard seed, can move any mountain. And Gods leading her and I out of the flames of our past, cuz it burning… And we will be fine. I just know it in my soul.
And the family better get on this train headed for the promised land, and toot sweet! Cuz Gods got wonderful things for us all, but we must have faith. And agree, family together first. Or no blessing, because its Gods rule, let no man put asunder what god brings together. DNA links us.. That’s Gods mark. And adoptees need to not loose heart about their families, and I want to be one of the first to make it back completely, no more conditions. Except to love and show up for each other and have some damn tea and talk like Chelsie wants.. Chelsie gets, or I am not her Mama. And we all know I am, she acts like me. Which I approve of!
Well, let this ghost go ..Thanks for diving deep with me.
And love you Mama. xox