As I sat at the table with the woman I came from and watched as she allowed my sister to attempt to dress me down, I noticed. The words spoken to me had no true affect on how I felt about myself, and more about how they were feelings. As I sat there across from the table with Mama, I looked into the mirror of who I came from, and realized what a blessing Adoption has been for me. Wow.
I realized that this is how I would have been treated. And that Mama loves me enough to realize that I deserved better than she could give at the time. And seeing what is for them, showed me, I just don’t fit with that kind of energy. It must have been surreal for Mama as she gazed into the eyes of the child she held for a minute so long ago, and to see such a strong woman who could live her despite all her perseverance short comings. Must be surreal to gaze at such a person that came from her and her has transcended her in many ways that she can’t even comprehend.
As I sat there and sipped the coffee she made myself and my son, we had a brief moment, when Victoria wasn’t there where we actually got along. And that’s really why I was there. To get along with Mama and spend some quality time. And maybe see my Baby girl Chelsie, if God in her was willing and able. And give her a gift and a hug and my reassurance that even though, I love her still. Mama got to see DAVID. A fine looking man now. And very intuitive indeed.
DAVID needed to see his family in action, and to experiences what I have been going through first hand. He just could not believe it, so I took him with, so he could see for himself, the state of the family I come from and how they feel about me, there sibling and daughter. It was absolutely amazing that they each told him that they would love to help him! But not me. Lol. So strange an idea. But who am I to judge. That’s how they feel? They do have the right. And I have the right to not agree.
I wonder if Mama saw herself in me? If so, she doesn’t appear to think much of the part of herself that is me. And she seems to agree and support her daughters behavior about who I am to this family. And that’s her right. I don’t have to agree. That’s my right. And after traveling miles to see her for minutes again, before she called her first born henchmen to stab at the one thing she got right? Amazing to experience. I cried. Not for me alone. But for us all. For my children and grandchildren to come that would forever have to live with the knowing that this is where Grama came from. And that these people just can’t see me for who I have become despite all that. Despite my low some beginning in the back of a Chevy.
I am comforted, that Jesus came in a stable. And everyone knows Jesus. So, I am in good company for sure being born if such trauma and to rise above it. Mama did well to give me to that stranger long ago. Society doesn’t thinks she’s so great. And I’ve stood up for her as best I could. I supported her choice as Best a child can. The bond between us is strong and has been difficult to navigate. Everyone’s got an opinion. And Ive heard them all, unlike Mama. But that ok if she doesn’t know what I went through. I don’t think she could take it anyway.
People tell you many things. But actions speak louder than words. Mama, me and David could have had a nice time if miss crunk had not have come over. But Mama was nervous. I get that. With the sisters telling her to block her own child and all?? God knows the nightmares she has about me and they seem to be feed them. They seem to believe them. Well, they are doing their best. I just see w can do better. But folks have to change.
They have only known Mama like this. And so they are protecting what they feel is theirs. And yet I know a side of her they can not see. The side that lives in me. The side that overcomes adversity, faces issues head on, a soft side behind the wire she has used to protects me. There in her heart. They don’t see that side. The side of their Mama that loves me deeply, and prays for me always. The side that has regrets and sorrows for her own losses. Seeing me so strong must ease her to some degree. She can Rest In Peace knowing I’ll be ok. And that I will be there for her girls when she has gone. I’ll not turn them away even though they turns me away. I have a place in her no one can share. She and I go there each night. And love each other still.
I hope she proud of how I am. She won’t tell them. They can’t see it at all, what Mama sees when she looks at me. But I do. Yes I do. But that’s our little secret now isnt it? Yes. Me and Mama have a secret love that’s no secret anymore. You can unwelcome me all you want. But I am in that woman’s soul, heart and mind. She just can’t let you see it. Cuz you can’t be trusted. You will kill it. With jealously and indifference.
But I go and check on Mama. Like a good girl does. And she got a lot on her plate with all those people called family dragging her back into their cage to be what they want. Victoria protects the Mama she’s known. While I work to liberate her and show her it’s ok to be free. As I hug her and give her my love, love that has always been in the well of my soul for her, she can drink and be refreshed. Toxic. My family is toxic. Victoria spoke about toxic and so has told on herself. To think I am toxic is to say we all are toxic. And that’s the truth. One person toxins spread to others. They don’t realize why I have not come sooner to bring my children into such a toxic waste site of their minds. I protect them like Mama protects me.
Thanks for showing up and diving deep with me today.
God bless you as you heal.