Going and seeing Mama helps a lot. Seeing her in her own environment that’s much like mine at present. Stuff everywhere and no will to even do anything about it. Cuz there is a pressing matter that needs addressing. Her daughter. How did we get this way? How do we get out? And I learn a lot about what’s up with Mama when I see my sister in action, deflection mode, high and mighty mode, denial mode of what’s really sitting at the table with Mama.
I would like to agree with Mama. Our reunion story was growing nicely. Our love was growing as we were learning about on another again. A fresh start. Or so I thought. But paint can’t hide rust forever. When the heat of life bubble the paint and the rain comes in the holes left, the rust, iron, truth, comes bleeding through. I can see what’s up with Mama. Plain as day. Three ungrateful woman. That’s what’s up. Three ungrateful woman that are her daughters, that have latched on and are dragging her down and away from her own salvation to save their dream of who they think she really is? It does not look like they see at all. They are blind to Linda in me and drag Mama back into the caves of their own making of who she is to them. She needs to be set free and doesn’t even see an abusive relationship that’s staring her other daughter in the face. It is ugly to watch your own sister tear you down in front of your Mama and see her watch. It’s surreal. Cuz I wonder what Mamas really thinking? Feeling? She never stopped me from dealing with miss Vicki. Nor told me I was wrong. She just observed. And took it in. She got a mind like a steel trap that woman. She’s learning a lot since baby girls stepped up.
Hold on Mama while I start to make sense. You need to read it all and not wince from any pain. If I can touch a button then the buttons what needs touching. No more Buttons. I am trying to fry that Motherboard. Let me light it up and make it stop. Cuz the old Motherboard is uniting with the new/Old Motherboard. Meaning. Old ways are fried. New ways are soldered in. New components and new wires. All new mentality. Marrying the Old and the New which naturally get rid of parts the don’t serve the new. It’s exciting. And yet scary. But worth it.
I see you are surrounded by apathetic, emotionally numb, distant, living in denial, and selfish self centered woman. And that’s what you have sown. By doing this to us. And that a tough one to point out. But thank God I am here to do just that. Because how could we change it like I know you want to. If you can’t see it? You’ve gotten used to it. Like a drug. And I am showing you, so you can show them. So we all can learn and do better by each other. Make no mistake. This is my labor of love to you. I will not let them keep you down. And if one piece of you is not honored. I am not ok with that. I have had to accept all of you for my whole life. Including the part of you that chose to give me away. Yes. And to make sense if it. To learn from it.
My sisters are absolutely lazy about you. And I could give a shit what you did. Let’s make peace about it all. Like come on. My sisters have left you out to dry about me. Poured poison all over our love and are trying to kill it? Do you really think they can? And I might add this. If they, meaning the whole family work to cut me off? Will we die? Will it kill us if we are this bonded? And why would we go there? It seems backwards to me. I have always gone into an issue and not away and seen fabulous results. And yet the girls advise you to run? Hmmm? Do they think you a chicken shit? I guess they don’t really know you now do they? I know you. And yet come and dish the trash around like a holiday meal. Over and over we eat the same thing and you blame it all on me still? It’s does take a few to do this dance. How is it I am so powerful to control it all? Seriously. So ridiculous to even think it’s all me. Deflecting helps no one. Own what’s yours. I am owning what mine. The girls need to win their part in this delay. And everyone else too. The whole family is to blame. I am communicating. Chelsie wants tea and to talk. And this families an emotional mess that needs cleaning. I’ve shown up to clean and seriously. Mama let’s you treat me like trash. I am not trash. Mama Jean made sure of that. Is that how you treat each other? No. You don’t. Because no one talks anymore. It’s to risky. To bold. To mean. Oh my heavens.
I see a bunch of family that take you for granted. And look at me? Begging for my own seat back. And your letting them keep my seat. Yeah. Your letting them win. That’s what I see. If they can’t take me? Well they can’t take the you that made me. That’s what I see. Are you not worth their time to get to know what was made from you? Must they continues to call it crazy? Must they keep denying what is and has been? Would Phil be happy? About the girls being like this? Is this your legacy? Is this what you came here for? Vicki acts like a hooligan. SCA QUEEN MY ASS. MORE LIKE SMEGLE IN LORD OF THE RINGS.
Clip to illustrate below.
What a faker of nobility my sister is. what a fake queen if the realm. she pretends because she knows not how to truly be a queen and rule. Queen elizabeth ruled with her heart. say what you will Victoria. But Belinda kicked your queen ass. I saw it written on your face as I left after seeing my Mama for only a few
Minute while you stayed and lapped up her pain and enjoyed it. Sick. So sick.
Nobility is a state of mind. A state of being. And nobility demand gestures however hard to express that must be given. Mama needs to see me. It makes her feel better. Even thought it first makes her ill. I am the cure for what ills her. Always have been. You deny yourselves for not seeing that crucial fact. So sad. Counselors don’t see what I see. Because I am looking at it all. Seeing the actions that speak words no one speaks. Seeing the affects of it all on us all as we try and fail again and again.
And you, Victoria the great. Only see what you want to see. Not what is beyond you. Because you were wounded as well. Because this could have been you. You could be the one out. And the one trying to help Mama see something you’ve never studied. You have no idea what I do here with Mama. So but the hell out or help. To all of you. This is our family. And it’s a cesspool of thought. I have traveled far and wide listening to this and that. Learning more than you can see by the way I look. Looks can be deceiving. Mama is no fool with me around. You keep her ignorant for your own gain and not the gain of the whole unit. Tisk tisk. Naughty girl. So strong and yet so dumb. But theres still time. You can catch up.
I see many things. That’s just a few for starters. Maybe work on that. Then maybe I’ll come back. But Mama needs to come see me. And you all need to help he feel safe to do so. Shame on all of you. Not me. I show up and do my best. You all? Well. The proof in your pudding. And that shit is horrible. Change the receipt change the results.
I left without what I came for. Chelsie Lynn. And Mama. You all can suck it as far as I am concerned.