But as Adoptees do, I too kept it secret. But those thing in the darkness always come to the light. My thoughts swirled around in my head looking for answers no one around me could answer. Except her.
And most Adoptees don’t even want to go where I went. Most just give up and live with the pain and limp along, wounded. Hurt. Longing for their invisible Mama that haunts all day and night in the fibers of their being. But that not my style. I want to fix it. I want to bridge this gap between the worlds of me, Mama and Mama Jean.
As an adoptee I see that Mamas just there no matter what I do. She’s in my DNA. And that means I have her nature and behavior patterns and many emotions that she too has stuffed. They come out when I am around and Mamas not real comfortable just feeling them openly. It’s scary. Especially when she has no support for this change that is.
I went to see Mama. On Chelsie birthday. Chelsie put Mama between us and I have to go through that gate keeper each time I want to give her a present or message. Chelsie’s done too and has forced us to interact. She’s forced Mama to deal with me. She withheld herself from me as ransom. If I want her, I must get through to Mama. And Chelsie and all my kids watch me. They watch how my Mama treats me and reacts to me.
My kids don’t know what to do. And they are tired of me talking about her. My oldest cut them off. Relinquishment and abandonment again. It’s a pattern that going on and on. My eldest sister tells me I am unwelcome, and can’t see she blocks her own relief as she judges the part of Mama I am. Cuz I know Mama needs me. She needs my kind of energy to validate the part of her that created me. And my sisters just think, evidently, that Mama is Crazy? Yeah.
But unlike they, I care about all of Mama, not just her perceived good side. All sides are valid. And the part that is me needs release. Mama needs to come full circle and to release all that’s pushing her buttons. I’ve lit her buttons. She told me I had hit them all. Yes, Mama I have. The question is how? How did a woman now who was not raised by her do such a thing? How did I instinctively know where they are and how to push them? What are buttons? And why have I pushed them? Hmm?
My son had to watch that. He watched his aunt tear at me. He watched and saw what I see and what Mama tried to hide even though her buttons are pushed and she doesn’t even know why she has these buttons. She denied herself so long she can’t even understand what’s going on. It’s called healing. It’s called restoration. It’s called confronting what is, so what is to be can come. Building something new means to unearth what’s Old and out of date, so that a New foundation can be built. We are on sinking sand.
And I must push through. My sister made fun of me. And talked about cycles. Mine. 3-6-12 month cycles that I walk away and come back. And each time I come back? They are the same too. I come to build and have to tear down. Over and over I war with the mindset. Each time I travel miles, take time, to do the work needed to build this bridge between us as I tear down our old.
A daughter is always a daughter no matter who raised her. And I’ve seen many things and learned so much. But Mama just sipping on the juice of her own story to even taste the new story I bring back to her. This is our sad chapter. You know. The one right before it all breaks and a new one comes? Every story has one. Change is in the air. I still have faith in Mama. Even though my mind wants to give up, my flesh bids me go. Do the work. See the results.
The anger seething from my sisters mouth and body language was palpable, I could feel it and taste it. But it didn’t even faze me. Mamas anger is intense too. And they try to look into the mirror of me and see that I am angry only when they two are angry. It’s classic projection if feelings and denial in its most volatile state. It’s rip for the picking. It’s rip for the cut that can make it bleed out. If they can see it?
My sister calls me crazy. She said I was unwelcome. Yet Mama let me in? Made me coffee. She wants me in. She wants to understand. I know it. But it hard for her to change. She lived so long like this. And it very important that the girls see this and begin to help instead of keeping the status quo that damn us all in the end. Chelsie could help. But I’m not sure she’s ready to fix her family either. She seems to feed on this too and evidently like her family like this.
By my Mama staying the same and like this? We all are damned. Damned away from each other. We are separated by mental ideas that conflict with the truth I speak. But truth will have its way. I’ve let the truth out so truth can do it’s work. I’ve watched my families truth. I’ve listened to blah blah blah. They. Need to listen and learn. For I have much to teach. Learning for me is like breathing. I take it all in.
I’ve heard the words Mama can’t speak in her words she can. Between the lines in her actions, their is love trying to get out. Vicki tears down her own Mama treating me the way she did. Protecting Mama? You stabbed her heart out by, again, rejecting a child she made!
Seeing me leave is our story. Over and over again. And I am tired of this pattern. Mamas stuck letting me go all day long and yet I come back. And my sister complains? Lol. Like seriously. She so way off thinking Mama doesn’t want me. Oh. Mama wants me more than even you can see Victoria. Did you know she cries at night about me? Do you? Ask. Mama will look down if she’s lying. Or look away. Or change the subject.
Just watch and see big sister. As I no longer come to see her how she gets. Hopefully you wake up before shes lost her mind. Cuz that’s where she’ll go if you all don’t fucking wake up and help her. And don’t come Crying to me to fix it then. There will be no way to pull her out. If we fail her now? There will be no going back.
Mark my words. Mamas tedering on a ledge between reality and fable. Reality just came to call. You ran me off. And I can only take so much of that hard headed shit and name calling. I face the bullies. But I don’t hang out and eat there poison. And you need to see that her hearts connected to me and I am part of her whole reality. Word.
So dear sister. Your right I am angry at some ignorant sisters that take advantage of my Mama and don’t help her heal. You like her like she is. You do. You protect what you think is all yours. But your about to get a reality check sweetie. So. Good luck with that. Mamas been praying for help. And I came. You can’t see the forest for the trees my dear.
Read Primal wound. Again. I tell you. Mama can’t. She needs help understanding. Your so learned. Prove it! Put your mind filled with fantasy books to work and read to help the Mama you so dearly love. Because cutting me out won’t work. My cells live in her brain. Read about it. Look shit up. You look like an idiot to me. Don’t tell me how smart you are and leave my Mama like this. Yeah. She’s my Mama too.
I guess it’s hard for some folks to see that Mama and me have been thinking more than folks know about each other. Lol. Guess they need a reality check. I am deeply connected to Mama and she and I need to heal and progress as daughter and Mama developmentally. That’s a psychology term. Maybe you don’t know about that stuff? But I do. Me and Mama are way behind on our natural relationship and have been linked by the pain we knew. The pain of separation.
That’s why I go see her. Even though I don’t want to. My heart tells me when Mama needs me. And I go. To show her. I keep showing up like Mama Jean did for me. That’s love. So. Yeah. Victoria. You are way off. Way off. Read and learn. So you can really be of some good to the family. It’s time to put that wasted brain to use.
Thanks for diving deep with me.